The Obama administration, with the support of the National Association for the Advancement of Spotted Owls, has introduced a controversial program that will shoot Barred Owls because of centuries of supposed oppression of Spotted Owls. The plan is the latest federal attempt to protect the northern spotted owl from discrimination.
President Obama recently kicked off the “Spotted Owls For Obama” program. The President is confident he can utilize forest organizer skills he developed while working in the jungles of Chicago early in his career to provide services and mice to the Spotted Owl community. Spotted Owl political leader Owlahndra Jackson said:
“Whooooo do the Barred Owls think they are! For centuries, Barred Owls have enjoyed living under owl privilege when our forests were built by Spotted Owls. We were forcefully brought to this forest against our will because the Barred Owls were too lazy to do owl work and catch their own mice! We demand justice now!
We applaud President Obama defending the most vulnerable owls in the forest against the greedy, rich Barred Owls who refuse to pay their fair share! From now on, when somebody asks “Whooooo dat?,” the answer is gonna be da Spotted Owl…dat’s whoooo!”
The federal government is also setting aside millions of acres for Spotted Owls that will be off limits to Barred Owls. Spotted Owls will also be given preferential hiring in government mice-reduction plans and, oddly enough, set-aside rolls in television commercials where owl characters tell how many licks it takes to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop roll. Barred owls have long been involved in TV and film.
Owl Actors Guild President Owlexander Hooter said:
“We believe in equal treatment of all owls! But does equal treatment mean putting one species of owls ahead of the others? Whooooo would even dream of such madness? Why should one species be put on the highest branch of the tallest tree when they didn’t fly hard enough to get there on their own? We encourage the Spotted Owl population to get off their branches, spread their wings and hunt their own mice! We’re tired of being forced to give a leg of a rodent we have caught to the lazy Spotted Owls! Spotted Owls can cry “victimization” all they want but the Constitution of the United Forests of America do not guarantee every owl a mouse! It guarantees every owl the right to pursue mice!”
President Obama most likely sealed up the Spotted Owl vote for the November election when he declared March “Spotted Owl Month.” Obama said at a press conference today:
“America has long benefited from the Spotted Owl population. Whether in mice reduction or scaring off pigeons from public buildings, the Spotted Owls, like Muslim Owls, and Native American owls have played a large role in the building of America and its forests. Even illegal Beaner Owls that have entered from Mexico without having the proper owl documentation have helped America become what it is!
It hasn’t always been easy for Spotted Owls. They have not always been allowed equal access to hunting grounds. They couldn’t drink from the same creeks and lakes. And yes, they have even been attacked by the speciesist OOO, the Our Owls Only group.
It is time Spotted Owls are recognized and generations of wrongs are righted. The Barred Owls are the wealthiest 1% of forest dwellers. They live in the biggest trees. They have the most mice to eat. They lick the most Tootsie Rolls! I just want to spread some of the mice around and this program to shoot Barred Owls is perfectly logical and just. Let me make myself clear. This is a learning moment. We’re learning the Barred Owls are going to get their greedy bird asses blown away!”
National Association for the Advancement of Spotted Owls spokesperson Hootie Sharpton said:
“We Spotted Owls ain’t noways tired! Ever since the speciesist Barred Owls tried to make Rosa Wings sit on a low branch, the NAASO has been fighting for the rights of Spotted Owls! We will not let these right-wing Owl speciesist get away with this oppression. In a unified voice, we will hoot “Hey hey, whoo whoo, Barred Owls be haters and you know that’s true!”
This owl controversy follows on the recent forest disturbances between Maple and Oak trees. There was unrest in the forest, there was trouble with the trees. For the Maples wanted more sunlight and the Oaks ignored their pleas. Just as with the owl situation being solved with violence, the Equalization of Sunlight Bill solved the problem by hatchet, ax and saw. Here’s the report:
Here is the award winning performance of Barred Owl actor Terrance Owlman in the 1969 production of “How Many Licks Does It Take To Get To The Center Of A Tootsie Roll?” Brilliant acting. Just brilliant!
And here is genius contemporary Barred Owl actor Owl Pacino reprising the classic Tootsie Pop roll last year which won him a Hooter award:
Here’s the article.