Living in America in our post-racial paradise can be a bit confusing these days! Many don’t understand the rules of political correctness and diversity even though President Obama and our liberal friends have tried to help us understand. That’s where Angry White Dude comes in. Because you know AWD is all about some diversity and political correctness.
Over the past few weeks, the Big Sexy has been taking questions from readers who are struggling to understand the complexities of diversity in modern America. Here are some of the questions submitted:
1. Dear AWD, I hate Chinese drivers! Those people can’t drive for sh*t! Every time I get my F-150 out of the body shop, another Chinese driver rams into me! Every freaking day! Maybe it’s because they can’t see over the wheel! Maybe there’s a reason those sumbitchess drive rickshaws and bicycles over there! Am I a racist? Matt In NY
Matt, yes, you are a racist! Your lack of compassion for Chinese culture is appalling. For millions of years, Chinese people have been forced to live in caves eating all that yang food with little sticks. They haven’t even heard of automobiles over there, much less ever dreamed of driving one. You must show compassion with their lack of driving skills here in our PC Xanadu of called America! The next time you’re sitting down to a big dish of sweet and sour cat up there in Nueva York, thank the Chinese for adding to the experience of our diverse culture! We should welcome our Chinese friends to America. It should be a point of pride that you can endlessly repair your vehicle if the damage done to it came from a Chinese immigrant!
2. Dear Big Sexy, every day I see Muslims around the world calling for Death to America and their religious leaders calling for the deaths of all Christians and Jews. They’re even killing Americans abroad and burning our embassies! That ain’t right! And I see more and more fuzzy little Muslim men wearing pajamas while putting their women in black tents walking around town. President Obama has taught me that Islam contributed greatly to America from the times of the Founding Fathers and I appreciate that, but I must admit it makes me angry to see billions of Muslims saying they want to kill me. I mean, I’m trying to embrace diversity but is it wrong to dislike someone who wants to kill me? Am I racist? Mike in Albequerque
Mike, yes, sad to say but you are a racist. Under the rules of diversity in America, you must never place your own desires or values above those of other cultures. Even if those cultures want to kill you. In fact, can you think of a better way to show your devotion to diversity than to be killed at the hands of those from foreign lands? Oh, you would be the pride of your local Democrat precinct if you are decapitated in the name of diversity by a Muslim freedom fighter! You’d be more popular than all the dead Democrat voters that don’t show up!
First, you must understand that Islam is the religion of peace. And while their idea of peace is a little different from ours, that’s ok! It all helps contribute to a big, multi-cultural America! Until racist Americans like yourself can learn to coexist with followers of Islam, until you are killed, you can never truly live in harmony with the tenets of diversity. Just think of all you’ll be missing by remaining a racist redneck!
You might consider taking a vacation to a Muslim land….like Egypt. There you will find the richness of a beautiful, advanced culture that goes back thousands of years. To help yourself move beyond your racist beliefs, try making new acquaintances with people you pass in the street. While carrying an American flag, go up to a group of young Muslim men and say “Hi! I’m Mike from America! Anybody want to be my friend?” They will immediately recognize you are a true follower of diversity that appreciates people of all cultures. I’m sure it will be an experience you’ll never forget!
3. Dear Angry White Dude, what is it with black people in movie theaters? Every time I go out on a date with my wife, there are black people sitting around us talking either to themselves or talking to the characters through the entire movie! I mean, it costs $20 to get into the theater and another $20 for popcorn and a drink. I’m really frustrated and find myself trying to avoid black people in movie theaters. Am I a racist? Bill in Atlanta
Dear Bill, sorry to inform you but yes, you are definitely a racist and do not appreciate the cherished traditions of attending movies with the African-American community. Because of slavery, African Americans were forced to warn each other whenever the racist slave owner was approaching. Luckily for us, this warm tradition of warning others continues today. How many movie characters would have walked through the door where the killer waited if not for African Americans yelling out “Don’t go through that door! The killer is in there! He gonna kill your ass!” You can just imagine the lives saved in movies due to this beautiful tradition that goes back hundreds of years to the dark, ugly time in America when white slave owners…exactly like you, Bill…would bring violence to slaves.
Bill, to help you better appreciate African-American culture, you and your wife should consider attending a concert in Atlanta featuring rap artists. Oh, how you’ll be filled with the warmth of diversity after listening to the vocal stylings of the rap artists…most of whom are regular guests to the White House! You and your wife will be moved deeply with the romantic lyrics of songs like “F*** That MotherF***ing B*tch!” and “I’m Gonna Slam Dat Ass Doggy-Style, B*tch!” Being relieved of your cash and watch….and your wife….is a small price to pay for enjoying the warm traditions of modern African American artists. Fun for the whole family! I can’t wait to hear your report!
4. Big Sexy, recently my grandmother was raped by Somali immigrants here in Minnesota. She was walking home from the store when she was attacked and gang-raped by a gang of unemployed, Somali thugs! Later in the week, they tried to recruit my sister into prostitution! This is not my America and I’m mad as hell! Am I racist? Bob in Minneapolis
Bob, sorry to inform you but you are definitely a racist! While the gang rape of your grandmother was tragic, at least she wasn’t raped by a racist, white American! She can recover being content that she was attacked by a group of diverse Africans only seeking a better life here in America. Oh, how we can learn from those young men! Raping grandmothers is a rich tradition going back thousands of years in Africa (and Detroit). While we may not fully understand this beautiful African tradition, we must seek to embrace and better comprehend the fulfillment these young Somali freedom-seekers derive from a brutal rape.
As for your sister, prostitution around the world is a cherished tradition. While not all Americans fully understand the beauty of forced prostitution, we must strive to abandon our antiquated Judeo/Christian values for the more diverse traditions from Africa and other third-world countries. Your sister should be honored she was approached by immigrants from a faraway land to sleep with strange immigrants and illegal aliens as she is shipped from state to state. What lessons she can learn by having sex with diverse men from all over the world. It’s an experience that most young women will never have the opportunity to experience! Please urge her to reconsider! It’s for her own good!
So goat-roping, redneck racists, we’re out of time and that concludes the first installment of Diversity Training with Angry White Dude. I hope you have learned something tonight. Hopefully you have learned that traditional American culture is racist and awful. And hopefully you have learned there is much we can learn from our brothers and sisters from rich, diverse cultures from around the world.
Until next time, this is Angry White Dude saying…….DIVERSITY WORKS!