Angry White Dude wishes all of you racist, redneck, inbred, trailer-trash, teabagging, goat ropers a very politically correct happy Winter Festival. I hope your holiday tree is loaded with evil capitalistic examples of America’s imperialistic domination over the good, diverse, multi-cultural people of the world!
AWD has made the journey from the Lone Star State to Arizona by truck to clasp loved ones from his family unit to his big sexy bosom. I can report that the big ol’ F-150 performed flawlessly on our trek, with an average speed of 74.5 mph. That speed includes stops for the filly to use the bathroom every 24.5 minutes and hit the drive-thrus every 1.1 hours). I am also happy to report that we burned 55 gallons of newly fracked gasoline putting 1.23 million tons of carbon into the atmosphere for liberals to choke on! In a few days, it’s up to Sedona and the Grand Canyon to put another few hundred thousand pounds of carbon out for additional libtard chokage. Yes, we’ll be listening to Dale Watson on the stereo the entire trip.
I hope y’all all have a very merry Christmas today with your friends and family. Enjoy their company and tell them how much you love them. They won’t always be with us. If you’re stuck by yourselves, just throw on your favorite Christmas sweater and head on down to the local pool hall with a bunch of motorcycles out front, walk in and say “Merry Christmas, y’all! Anybody want to be my friend?” You’ll have tons of fun sharing the spirit of Christmas with your new friends!
Please take time to remember our heroes in uniform who can’t be with their families today. Our soldiers put it on the line for us every day. Let us say a special prayer for them today. And every day.
I saw a great Christmas poem over at the great Duh Progressive and want to post it here. If you don’t read Duh Progressive, you’re missing out! They are a parody site and have fooled my big, sexy butt several times!
The Night Before Christmas (with ‘Obama Claus’)
by Duh Progressive
‘Twas the night before a certain faith-based celebratory occasion, and all through the house,
Not a creature was aware of an approaching louse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney we don’t use,
For proud liberals we are, so we dare not light its fuse.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Without one thought of fiscal cliffs dancing in their heads.
My wife in his teddy, and I in my Birkenstocks,
Had just settled into bed, boy were we socked.
When in from outside, there seeped such a smell
‘Twas smoke from a Newport Light, I blurted: “What the hell?”
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Turned on my compact florescent light bulb and threw up the sash.
The moon was full, but there was no mid-day glow,
Global warming had once again deprived us of snow
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature Chevy Volt, and eight peculiar reindeer.
With a skinny brown driver, I needn’t a moment of pause,
I knew right then it must be…OBAMA CLAUS!
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
Condescendingly he shouted to each of them by name!
“Now Morgan! Now Maddow! Now Matthews and Blitzer! On Schultz! On Sharpton! On all ye Bullshitzers!
To the top of the roof! To the top of the wall!
Don your ski masks and gloves, you each have them all!”
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The complaining and parroting of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Obama Claus came with a bound.
He had a big grey beard, and although it was dark,
I couldn’t help thinking: He looks like Karl Marx!
He produced an empty sack, that I saw clear,
“But I put our gifts out already” I said. “Why are you here?”
His eyes were so blood-shot, his nose like a cherry,
My God did he reek of bourbon or sherry!
His usual smile then turned upside down,
“I’ve come for your presents,” he said with a frown.
I asked why, believing not what I heard,
“Others don’t have as many gifts,” he said. “Don’t be a turd.”
I had worked hard all year, paid my fair share,
“Of that,” Obama quipped, “I really don’t care.”
“But I’m a loyal Democrat! I’ll even pay more tax,
Please Obama Claus, try to relax!”
He just rolled his eyes, blew smoke in my face,
And began stuffing his sack with considerable haste.
“But I voted for you twice! I thought you were cool!
Obama just chuckled, he was dealing with a fool.
“I bust my ass! I work hard for what I make!”
“And that,” Obama snapped, “is your first mistake.”
I lunged for Obama, man I was pissed!
But then three words stopped me: “Presidential kill list.”
I could do nothing, except stand there and huff,
That’s when I realized: America had f***ed up!
I imagined four more years, man whata’ bitch!
And I had not voted for Romney all because he was rich,
It was a fait accompli: we had sealed our fate,
All because some GOP asshole had said “legitimate rape”?
When Obama Claus was finished we had but one gift,
A visit from a President who gave not a shit.
All this time he said only the rich was he after,
Obama Claus deserved an Oscar for Best Actor
He returned to the roof and waiting sycophants,
Never caring at all if we were Donkeys or Elephants.
But I heard him exclaim, as he headed back to his elves,
“Merry Christmas, America! Now go f*** yourselves!”