The Big Sexy will be unavoidably detained this evening and thought I’d repost this oldie but pitiful piece. Sad to say, AWD’s butt-injection bidness isn’t working out too well. I might start a bidness inventing sh*t. I just have to think of something to invent. If that doesn’t work out, I don’t know what I’m going to do. All I know how to be is a movie star.
Anyway, y’all can argue politics all night if you like. Me, I’m going to rest satisfied that I have done my part to help womerns with flat butts and dudes with microscopic units!
AWD read the other day where some cat who was, apparently, hung like a mouse died from a blood clot after having silicon injected into his ol’ John Thomas! This happened in New Jersey where they invent crazy sh*t on a daily basis. Like homosexuality was invented in New York and perfected in California, doing crazy sh*t is a NJ yankee specialty! Actually injecting silicone in one’s unit is probably one of the more normal occurrences that takes place up there with all them crazy bastids running around. The mini-weenus guy was named Justin Street and went to what is known as a “pumping party” (that don’t even sound right!) to have his old fella pumped up with some Fix-a-Flat. Next day, he was dead from a blood clot to the lungs. What a rip! He probably didn’t even have time to show off the new redwood he was sporting around in his Levis! In addition to the blood clot, it’s rumored Justin was also left cock-eyed!
So AWD is an enterprising, sexy kind of guy. I figured if some fake doctor in New Jersey can pump up some body parts, AWD can be a fake doctor in Texas and do the same! But, AWD ain’t pumping no penises! So all you ‘sensitive guy’ types, just get that out of your gay, fiendish little minds! I believe my specialty will be juicy boo-tays on fine little fillies! Yes, yes, boo-tays will be my special practice!
So Dr. AWD has come out with some Blogger Specials for all you dudettes to take advantage of to pump your caboose up to it’s finest proportions! Here are our special packages:
1. The Oprah – AWD will inject massive amounts of grits into yo big ol’ ass until you reach Oprah ass-like proportions. You will look like a bufforilla in those tight pants at the local disco shaking your butt like a big ol’ fat tub of jello. (Note: Dr. AWD uses only the finest stone ground grits unlike Oprah who will scarf down a bathtub full of plain old Quaker Oats grits before she even gets around to eating breakfast.)
2. The Michelle Obama – Hooonnnnkk! Hoooonkk! Now you talking ’bout a big ass, baybah! That ass is so big you’ll have to pay property taxes on it! It will get its own Secret Service detail! Codename: Damn! AWD will stuff dozens of Twinkies into your cheeks like Michelle stuffs into her cheeks every midnight! Your ass will be so wide you’ll have pesos in one pocket and yen in the other! Mooochelle, baby!
3. The Rosie O’Donnell – Popular with lebanese womerns who want to attract a wildebeest. Just like Rosie! The Rosie ass is so big you can Occupy it with your own tent city and drum circle. You’ll just have to shave it daily. Just like Rosie!
4. The Michael Moore – now you’re talking about about special work there, baybah. It takes a real fake Texas butt-injection doctor to pull this off. A boo-tay this colossal has not been seen since Jurassic Park. AWD injects the DNA taken from Wooly Mammoths, T-Rex, modern day elephants and the gi-normous creachture Michael Moore himself. After the Michael Moore procedure, your ass will be so big it will completely eclipse the sun causing Earth to go into another ice age. I’m a specialist, man.
Oh, AWD will also inject some breasteses too. But no dudes, you half-a-sissy hairdressers out there! Fillies only! And I guarantee that my silicone, grits, Twinkie, Fix-a-flat, feathers, spaghetti materials (or anything else I can find laying around) will not cause a clot for at least a week. But you’ll be able to run around town with that fine, juicy boo-tay for a week! Just think of all the compliments you’ll get! You can meet me on Wednesday’s at Duke’s Storage Center on Harry Hines Blvd in Dallas at 3:30. Just keep it quiet. No license and all.
I just wish I could have spoken with Justin and told him having a gigantic unit isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. For AWD, sometimes it’s a living hell lugging all that around. I don’t always like it. But it’s a curse the Big Sexy has learned to live with. Just like my supreme sexiness.