After being named to the Fabulous 50 conservative blogs, conservative superstar blogger Angry White Dude made a shocking confession today. The Big Sexy uses blog-enhancing drugs. His announcement was inspired by bicyclist Lance Armstrong’s confession that he is a drug-taking, lying, skinny dog!
Lance Armstrong has for years denied taking performance enhancing drugs. However, Armstrong was banned for life and all eternity from riding a bike after the chief bicycling organization in the world, “The Chief Bicycling Organization in the World” found him guilty of doping to win his unprecedented seven Tour deeeee France victories! Armstrong’s penalties included not wearing those gay little bike-riding costumes, not being able to clog up traffic on a bike, not being allowed to put playing cards in the spokes, and not having the uncomfortable sensation of having those skinny little bike seats going up the culo.
World famous and supa-sexy blogger Angry White Dude has long been accused by fellow conservative bloggers of using blog-enhancing drugs to write his chart-topping blog posts. He has always responded when asked how he is able to continually write such high-quality blogs by saying, “it’s a gift!” But today, he came clean with a startling revelation for his supa-sexy blogging abilities. In a prepared statement, the Big Sexy said:
“While AWD’s rise to the top of the conservative blogging world has been nothing short of miraculous, I must confess that I have not done it on natural talent alone. I have had help achieving my super-sexiness and ability to write top-quality right-wing extremism day in and day out. I can no longer go on in good conscience taking credit on my blogging talent alone so I will share my secrets.
Before posting a new blog article, AWD slathers himself with copious amounts of Hai Karate after-shave to help achieve the highest levels of supa-sexiness. After which, the Big Sexy puts some Teddy Pendergrass on the stereo to further enhance the moment. After achieving a trance-like state of sexiness, AWD puts on his leopard-spot robe (you better believe it’s all silk, baybah) and meditates until I achieve a super-human level of super-sexiness. Coupled with my natural redneck, right-wing, trailer-trash, inbred (according to libtards) opinions, AWD is able to create chart-topper after chart-topper posts which has put him on the top of the blogging world. So AWD confesses today before Allah and the world that AWD uses various blog-enhancing tools to enhance his otherwise super-groovy blog posts.”
But AWD was not finished. He outed several conservative bloggers for using blog-enhancing drugs and techniques:
“AWD knows for a fact that Big Fur Hat, Mr. Pinko, and Cardigan also use something to help them with their creativity at I Own The World. Since they are yankees, they’re probably using all manner of drugs. I’m not sure what it is, but those I Own The World guys are definitely on something! Probably smoking the diggity-dang or drinking copious amounts of Wild Turkey!
And the Gateway Pundit? Don’t get me started! Jim Hoft is on every blog-enhancing drug known to man! Oh sure, he plays Mr. Innocent and all….but nobody writes that well day in and day out! It’s time to come clean, Jim!”
There! AWD feels much better now! It’s not that AWD has tried to fool anyone! But, face it, can any one blogger be this sexy and good on a daily basis and write chart-topping content without help? But it’s not my fault! AWD is a victim of his own sexiness. Womerns and sexy fillies expect top performance from AWD day in and day out. I didn’t choose this supa-sexiness for myself! It was thrust upon me! I’m a victim! I’m not responsible!
Let’s face it, nobody wants to read boring blog posts, so AWD will continue to use his blog-enhancing, supa-sexy blogging techniques! If people want to read boring blogs, they’d read Little Gay Footballs or something.
Here is one of the Teddy songs AWD prefers to achieve top levels of sexiness (sexy alert):