As you may or may not know, the Big Sexy has been engaged in battle with large gangs of smelly ji-hawg-ists in the woods of North Texas this weekend. After this is posted, it’s once again into the breech. There’s just about nothing AWD would rather do than battle with a big, fat, bastid porker. But Michael Moore isn’t around this weekend, so wild piggies have to do! One in the freezer, hundreds to go! Especially now that I have my night vision scope dialed in and sitting on top of my Rock River Elite Operator AR-15 BIG ASS ASSAULT RIFLE WITH ABOUT 3 DOZEN 30 ROUND, HIGH-CAPACITY MAGAZINES! Suck on that, libtards!
AWD has pulled from past posts before for the reading and educational pleasure of our newer dudes and dudettes. As you know, the Big Sexy loves him some science. Tromping around in the woods has got me feeling a little tribal. It’s like something in my blood! I can’t explain it! I’ll check back in tonight unless I’m up to my armpits in hog guts. I promise to put something up tomorrow. Maybe something sexy, maybe a famous AWD rant, maybe something so moving that you will weep like a little schoolgirl. Probably just something stupid.
Thanks to Biggie for carrying the load and to all the dudes who keep this thing rolling. If I get taken out by a herd of ji-hawg-ists tonight, just know that your loyal AWD went out surrounded by a mountain of spent brass! Hakuna Matata!
I know this is shocking! AWD can hardly believe it himself! But through extensive genealogical research costing millions of Obama money, the Big Sexy has discovered family ties that run all the way to the Dark Continent. No, not Detroit! I’m talking Africa! The Congo. You know, Hakuna Matata and taking machetes to the enemies in the nearest tribe, bones in the nose and all that! I guess that describes those strange feelings I get every now and then to burn down Ft. Worth! AWD previously believed he was Scotch/Irish being from the South. But I would sometimes find myself daydreaming of one day making it back to my homeland, Mother Africa! It was a subtle feeling telling me I was an African American! A totally different culture! My peoples were stolen from our homeland by evil crackas and now I demand my freedom from the white man! And reparations…with interest, of course. And, yes, I will be celebrating Kwanzaa, haters!
So from now on, AWD will stand for African White Dude. I will not hide who I am anymore! I’m an African! I will say it loud! I’m Congolese and proud! I will root for Congo in the Olympics…if they have anyone there. I will play the congos and give up the white man’s guitar! I am Congo and Congo is me!!! With a little bit of Ecuador, too.
In an unrelated story, The Herald Sun of Australia has published a study that reports the average penis size for every country in the world. Who would have ever thought there would have been such a difference? Except those little yellow dickless varmints in Asia! You might be surprised at the findings. According to the study, scientists have discovered the countries with men who have the largest penis size are:
You pitiful American men are way down the list from us mighty Africans with the Congolese Constrictors! Americans average a teeny weeny 5.1 inches while us Congolese are packing 7.1!! It’s about the only thing you crackas haven’t taken from us brothas! Funny thing is nobody measured the AWD but word must be getting around from my single days.
If any readers here are fuzzy little foreigners, here is an interactive map that will tell you where you measure up, so to speak. But it will pale in comparison to the baby arms dangling in the loin cloths of us proud Congolese warriors!
Another report was released by the AWD Institute of Real Manliness that studied the strange phenomena of some American men who are born with, but over time, have their testicles disappear. The phenomena occurs mainly in the Republican party and after the subject has been elected to public office. Strange.
So there you have it. Genealogy and science and AWD having a big unit! Please join with me in listening to the Congo National Anthem as we celebrate finally being first in anything except machete killing our neighbors and burning down their villages.