CONGO'S BIG BAMBU NATIONAL PARK

As you may or may not know, the Big Sexy has been engaged in battle with large gangs of smelly ji-hawg-ists in the woods of North Texas this weekend. After this is posted, it’s once again into the breech. There’s just about nothing AWD would rather do than battle with a big, fat, bastid porker. But Michael Moore isn’t around this weekend, so wild piggies have to do! One in the freezer, hundreds to go! Especially now that I have my night vision scope dialed in and sitting on top of my Rock River Elite Operator AR-15 BIG ASS ASSAULT RIFLE WITH ABOUT 3 DOZEN 30 ROUND, HIGH-CAPACITY MAGAZINES! Suck on that, libtards!

AWD has pulled from past posts before for the reading and educational pleasure of our newer dudes and dudettes. As you know, the Big Sexy loves him some science. Tromping around in the woods has got me feeling a little tribal. It’s like something in my blood! I can’t explain it! I’ll check back in tonight unless I’m up to my armpits in hog guts. I promise to put something up tomorrow. Maybe something sexy, maybe a famous AWD rant, maybe something so moving that you will weep like a little schoolgirl. Probably just something stupid.

Thanks to Biggie for carrying the load and to all the dudes who keep this thing rolling. If I get taken out by a herd of ji-hawg-ists tonight, just know that your loyal AWD went out surrounded by a mountain of spent brass! Hakuna Matata!

I know this is shocking! AWD can hardly believe it himself! But through extensive genealogical research costing millions of Obama money, the Big Sexy has discovered family ties that run all the way to the Dark Continent. No, not Detroit! I’m talking Africa! The Congo. You know, Hakuna Matata and taking machetes to the enemies in the nearest tribe, bones in the nose and all that! I guess that describes those strange feelings I get every now and then to burn down Ft. Worth! AWD previously believed he was Scotch/Irish being from the South. But I would sometimes find myself daydreaming of one day making it back to my homeland, Mother Africa! It was a subtle feeling telling me I was an African American! A totally different culture! My peoples were stolen from our homeland by evil crackas and now I demand my freedom from the white man! And reparations…with interest, of course. And, yes, I will be celebrating Kwanzaa, haters!

So from now on, AWD will stand for African White Dude. I will not hide who I am anymore! I’m an African! I will say it loud! I’m Congolese and proud! I will root for Congo in the Olympics…if they have anyone there. I will play the congos and give up the white man’s guitar! I am Congo and Congo is me!!! With a little bit of Ecuador, too.

In an unrelated story, The Herald Sun of Australia has published a study that reports the average penis size for every country in the world. Who would have ever thought there would have been such a difference? Except those little yellow dickless varmints in Asia! You might be surprised at the findings. According to the study, scientists have discovered the countries with men who have the largest penis size are:

1. Congo
2. Ecuador
3. Ghana
4. Colombia
5. Venezuela

You pitiful American men are way down the list from us mighty Africans with the Congolese Constrictors! Americans average a teeny weeny 5.1 inches while us Congolese are packing 7.1!! It’s about the only thing you crackas haven’t taken from us brothas! Funny thing is nobody measured the AWD but word must be getting around from my single days.

If any readers here are fuzzy little foreigners, here is an interactive map that will tell you where you measure up, so to speak. But it will pale in comparison to the baby arms dangling in the loin cloths of us proud Congolese warriors!

Another report was released by the AWD Institute of Real Manliness that studied the strange phenomena of some American men who are born with, but over time, have their testicles disappear. The phenomena occurs mainly in the Republican party and after the subject has been elected to public office. Strange.

So there you have it. Genealogy and science and AWD having a big unit! Please join with me in listening to the Congo National Anthem as we celebrate finally being first in anything except machete killing our neighbors and burning down their villages.

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14 Comments

  1. unless your from royal blood wernt called long shanks for nuthIn

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  2. After this post, something tells me AWD will soon be invited to the White House.

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  3. Ordinarily, I would never do this, but since you have broached the subject…

    http://nyc.barstoolsports.com/.....ico-style/

    Writing style is a little stiff, but there were many penetrating comments.

    It was inevitable…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gweUVWUYYQ8

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  4. is this true?

    Well known and aspiring rapper who earned a living pimping out women for sex, Kenny Clutch was involved in an early morning shootout with other upstanding citizens on the Vegas strip. He died later at an area hospital.

    A spokesperson for Dear Leader Obama said that the Immaculate One himself, along with other black leaders would speak graveside where it is expected they will hammer home the point that if only there were more funds (held up in congress by republicans) available for helping at risk blacks find jobs, this never would have happened.

    If only hundreds of millions billions more tax dollars had been spent on black yoots like Cherry, he may not have found it necessary to rent women out for sex, associate himself with wannabe drug dealers and possibly could have even purchased a functioning belt and learned to wear his hat straight.

    Also, a large “peaceful” protest outside the California headquarters of the NRA is expected to be staged by Rev Al (“resist we much”) Sharpton, the New (and improved with half the racism) Black Panthers, paid protestors provided by the AFL-CIO and various homeless people lured by the promise of free sandwiches, Boones Farm wine and Obama for America buttons from the 2008 campaign.

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  5. soft or fully hard?

    According to the study, scientists have discovered the countries with men who have the largest penis size are:

    1. Congo
    2. Ecuador
    3. Ghana
    4. Colombia
    5. Venezuela

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  6. @ 9: I wonder if they’ll be giving out Obama “sail fawns” as well?

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  7. Michael T is home today with the creeping crud. El Jeffe said go home and lay down, so here I am, commenting and listening to Rush on the interwebnet. Multitasking. In light of your recent discovery Mr. Dude, perhaps you could talk to the Revrund about this latest call to arms. As a gabacho, I am fearful.

    http://weaselzippers.us/2013/0.....-of-islam/

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  8. Speaking of The Congo:

    Teens In Chicago Start Melee Outside Of Ford City Mall (Breaking Car Windows

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?f.....22TGnXO9Q#!

    Crime
    See Video of the Wild Chicago Mall Brawl That Led to 19 Arrests: ‘Anything They Found…They Started Throwing’

    Feb. 25, 2013 10:26am

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  9. Oh $hit……

    I must be Congolese too…..

    and for all these years I thought it was just a weirdly severe case of localized elephantigo/elephantitis……..

    ;->

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  10. I was wondering about that myself and why I was so blessed with such a gargantuan fifth appendage. So I checked my Western European/Italian Heritage and roots. I learned that my great-great grand daddies, great grand daddy was a Moor named Rufus Tyrone Giuseppe Corleone who occupied Italy back in the 14th century. AWD, you were right. I have now learned that I too, have African-American roots, thus explaining my tripod lower extremities. Amazing what you learn on this site.

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  11. Thanks for the laugh, Dude.

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