Put that duct tape and rope away and listen to the Big Sexy! AWD aka The Big Sexy aka Love Man has always been generous with sharing my tried and true techniques for reeling in the biscuit. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, some of y’all might be a little rusty in the area of putting some supa-sexy love techniques on your little filly in your bedroom/boudoir. Or kitchen table.

AWD realizes there are some single cats out there and may need help approaching that hot, sexy womern bowling a few lanes down. First of all, you don’t want to come off looking to her like some freakazoid prevert. She might think you’re some kind of a liberal. You definitely don’t want that! So don’t walk up and say something like “wanna help me polish my 16 pound balls?” No no, junior. That kind of approach will only end up with you going home and holding your own. You want to be subtle. Smooth. Confident. Sexy, baybah. You want to stroll over to her lane and break out some of AWD’s favorite lines for meeting hot, curvy fillies (when I was single, that is). If you’re in Texas, you might say:

– “Hey mama, you and me go together like beer and smokes.”

Be prepared to be attacked by a large quantity of lingerie being thrown at you! Womerns love that line! Get’s them all warm and excited in their tingly parts. Trust me. Deadly stuff, there.

If she seems to be the intellectual type, you might try this chart-topper:

– “Hey Sugar, want me to teach you some tricks I learned in prison?”

A bookworm, intellectual type loves to learn new things. And now some of those techniques you learned in the hoosegow will teach your little babushka things she never, ever thought of when it comes to the ol’ flippy floppy. Nor will she ever want to think of again!

If that little hot thang throwing rocks a few lanes down looks like the adventurous type, you might stroll over and use this:

– “Baby, do you believe in the hereafter? Because you KNOW what I’m here after!”

Guaranteed to get her in the back of your Trans Am. Maybe on the hood if she’s had a few Keystones. Duct tape and rope may be needed in some cases.

For you married dudes looking to heat up things in the lovin’ department, you might try running a steamy hot, luxurious bubble bath (not for you, you homo!) and put some Merle or Dale Watson on the old 8-track, and let your sweet thang soak away the pain of painting your house that week. Later, you might want to take her out dancing at the local honky-tonk. Womerns love to dance and they love hombres that can shake their butt on the dance floor. If you don’t know how to dance, you must be a yankee and should double up on reading AWD. Dancing is not hard. Just watch this video and try to mimic the moves of these fuzzy little foreigners:

You can also tell her she can “be sure you’re not pretender.” My filly just loves that song.

AWD likes to put on my best boxers, cowboy boots and my 20X Resistol felt hat (it’s winter time, yankees), grab my lariat and try to rope the little filly out of the tub. She likes knowing AWD has such skill with rope (and duct tape, if necessary). I’ll sexily tease her verbally by yelling “Come on, honey….haul it on over here! Right now!” while yanking her closer and closer into my warm and sexy embrace. When I have her completely immobilized, I’ll purr something soft and sexy in her ear like “I’m gonna be your everythaaaaaaaaannng man, baybah” or “I love you so much that I’m going to let you go hog hunting with me, maybe.” By offering to take her hog hunting (which of course I would NEVER do), she knows how much I really care for her. Womerns like thinking they’re more important than hog hunting. For some reason.

Oh, and dudes, don’t ever utter one word from these tards unless you never want to be laid again. At least by a womern:

You’ve got less than a week to practice the masterful techniques of the Big Sexy to help you get your womern in that state of sexule bliss. You can thank me later.

If any of y’all have some techniques you’d like to share, you can do so here. Keep it clean or you’ll be in deep Dukakis with AWD. Or you can open post on any other ol’ boring topic if you want.

Music That Doesn’t Suck tonight is an Otis Redding classic performed to perfection from vocalist Andrew Strong and the Commitments. If all those pick-up lines and duct tape don’t work on Valentine’s Days, fellas, you might just Try A Little Tenderness.

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  1. bluffcreek1967 says:

    I’m sorry AWD, it’s hard to think about any ‘hot lovin’ when I keep seeing the image of that hairy bellied dude (or whatever the hell he is) at the top of the article!

  2. While reading, I kept hearing the song “Put Another Log On The Fire” by Tom Paul Glaser. I believe he was the guy that sang that song.

    Thanks for all ’em “Tips O’ Love”… the wifey is in fer a special treat this year, I tell ya what!

  3. Somehow Dude that’s Always how I pictured you,

    You shouldn’t even be looking at pictures like that, much less posting them. Your wife needs to switch “on” the Parental Controls.

    And Mr. Mittens said this article was pretty gay for a Texan

    Yes that was a troll,

    Be glad I didn’t take the time to photoshop something embarrassing at your expense.

    Keep up the good work, ya crazy galoot

  4. Angry White Dudette says:

    Where do you find this stuff?
    Those two guys in the ‘Dear Woman’ video creep me out real bad.
    Also the ‘pretender’ song and gay dance is BAD.
    I wish you could post a video of you doing the ‘cabbage patch’ in the blue suede shoes and burmuda shorts. That is truly a class dance if ever I saw one.
    I feel sorry for the ‘little filly’ this Valentine’s. I may tell her to hide in a locked closet!

    • AWDudette, you know the Big Sexy can shake his juicy boo-tay on the dance floor! Also, the little filly is in for a time this Valentine’s!


  5. Sure don’t need this BS post from AWD when I have a Molon Labe t-shirt. Wore it for the first time today and the ladies noticed… of course she was about eighty.

  6. Mary Jane Anklestraps says:

    Ladies, don’t all rush him at once.

  7. Who are those metros callin’ “Woman”? I have a name, you dipsh*ts. Sensitivity fail! 😛