AWD was recently in an office waiting room that had a copy of Esquire magazine on the coffee table. I’ve seen magazines of this sort in the past and always chuckle at how some pencil-necked, New York wuss writer tries to write about what they imagine life as a man would be. As if they’d know! I guess these are the people that started the “metrosexual” fiasco in which males now try to be women with the only difference being standing up while peeing….or at least trying. The term “metrosexual” seems to basically signify homosexuals who reside in metropolitan areas.
These “mens” magazines are filled with worthless girly crap. Oh sure, they’ll tell you all the details of the latest $8,000 bicycle that is made of polybiometric tubular molecules or where you can buy a $4,000 Italian jacket that looks like something you saw on a homeless bum…if the bum was a homosexual bum in a metro. I went to Esquire.com to check out all the stylish acoutrements (look it up, Mikey) and saw they were discussing a $60,000 watch! Like any of the poofters reading Esquire will run out and buy a $60,000 watch! The only way I’d ever spend $60 large on a watch is if James Bond wore it and it controlled a guided missile! And then I wouldn’t!
Another area of interest in all these magazines is gourmet food and fancy wines and crap like that. Nothing says “poofter” to a first-date filly than for her date to order a lemon chicken almondini pasta with a volcanic vinaigrette on a bed of free range grown basil and sh*t. Another sign of poofterness is a male who says the food is “marvelous” and the dessert “was to die for!” Yum! Any of these terms and the curvy babe will know she’ll be opening her own doors but won’t have to worry about that good night kiss. What the curvy filly really wants is a man that will say, “Garcon, I want food! Big food! Keep it coming until the button on my pants shoots across the room and drills a hole in somebody’s head!” Womerns like that. Fillies got to eat too!
Here’s actually a few of the “How To” items that Esquire magazine has for its sensitive fellows:
Have Sex in a Car (AWD says hopefully while it’s not in gear and not with your metrosexual hair stylist named Lance!)
How to Broil a Steak (Good Lord! Any man over 20 that can’t cook a slab of meat needs more help than Esquire Magazine!)
How to Be a Player (be black, play professional basketball and then become a criminal. Why would any white man want to be a ‘player?’)
How to Find Her G Spot (first of all, stop looking on Lance the hair stylist! Second, better learn the A-F spots first, Poindexter!)
Another thing that is always worth a laugh in these Esquire-type mag-o-zines is the girly clothes they wear. The clothes and the models look like they all came out of the gay parts of Paris…and since all of Paris is gay, you KNOW the gay parts are really gay! These mens mags are full of emaciated, AIDs victim looking poofter models who look like they would cringe at the sight of blood when they shave their legs. And that designer sh*t goes for big bucks too! For example, Esquire has an article called Best Jeans for Men in this months edition. Most of the recommended jeans go for $200! $200 for a pair of jeans! For a man! I wouldn’t pay $200 for the jeans that Elvis wore before taking his infamous final dump! For $250 you can get a Bersa Thunder .380! Let me help you out, Esquire readers! AWD’s rules for blue jeans are simple and economical:
1. They don’t cost more than $25 and can be purchased at any Wal-Mart.
2. They should be worn above your ass (for any homey Esquire readers)
3. They must be large enough to fit a family of 4 so they don’t start crowding the cojones (this may not apply to Esquire regular readers) and large enough to conceal a host of weapons.
Take the other $175 and buy a genuine, made in Texas Angry White Dude t shirt and a pair of cowboy boots and you’ll be on your way to becoming a man. Try walking into your local pool hall establishment wearing that $2500 Armini ensemble! The local fellows will laugh you out of the joint for your fashion faux pas. They’ll also stick a pool cue up your butt. No, you’re much better off with the AWD t shirt, some Wal-Mart Wranglers and a pair of old cowboy boots….and 5 or 6 handguns.
AWD is a benevolent dude. I try to help dudes of all sexes. Even the male women that read Esquire Magazine. I’d recommend these fashion-loving, fancy food-tard, sensitive guys drink a big ol’ glass of testosterone but I’m afraid they would misinterpret my meaning (if you know what I mean! Hint: it might involve Lance). This is what happens when men are raised to be women! They become “sensitive” types who can’t shoot, fish, clean a weapon, change the oil, etc. They also become Democrats. No woman really wants a man who has more facial skin products than she or takes lavender scented bubble baths while reading Esquire magazine to learn what they think it means to be a man! That’s like asking Michael Moore what it means to eat a vegetable or Hussein Hopenchange what it means to be a patriotic American. In short, they don’t have the first clue!
Here’s exactly what I’m talking about. Check this out! Esquire asks “what style of American man are you?” They list 13 types. Know what they all have in common? Why, it’s quite simple! The are all metrosexual douche bags!
Here’s a hint, metrosexuals. If you want to learn about being a man, you’re not going to learn it in a magazine, junior. Esquire readers, you’re much better off reading Angry White Dude. I’ll shoot you straight!