METROSEXUAL DOUCHE BAG

METROSEXUAL DOUCHE BAG

AWD was recently in an office waiting room that had a copy of Esquire magazine on the coffee table. I’ve seen magazines of this sort in the past and always chuckle at how some pencil-necked, New York wuss writer tries to write about what they imagine life as a man would be. As if they’d know! I guess these are the people that started the “metrosexual” fiasco in which males now try to be women with the only difference being standing up while peeing….or at least trying. The term “metrosexual” seems to basically signify homosexuals who reside in metropolitan areas.

These “mens” magazines are filled with worthless girly crap. Oh sure, they’ll tell you all the details of the latest $8,000 bicycle that is made of polybiometric tubular molecules or where you can buy a $4,000 Italian jacket that looks like something you saw on a homeless bum…if the bum was a homosexual bum in a metro. I went to Esquire.com to check out all the stylish acoutrements (look it up, Mikey) and saw they were discussing a $60,000 watch! Like any of the poofters reading Esquire will run out and buy a $60,000 watch! The only way I’d ever spend $60 large on a watch is if James Bond wore it and it controlled a guided missile! And then I wouldn’t!

Another area of interest in all these magazines is gourmet food and fancy wines and crap like that. Nothing says “poofter” to a first-date filly than for her date to order a lemon chicken almondini pasta with a volcanic vinaigrette on a bed of free range grown basil and sh*t. Another sign of poofterness is a male who says the food is “marvelous” and the dessert “was to die for!” Yum! Any of these terms and the curvy babe will know she’ll be opening her own doors but won’t have to worry about that good night kiss. What the curvy filly really wants is a man that will say, “Garcon, I want food! Big food! Keep it coming until the button on my pants shoots across the room and drills a hole in somebody’s head!” Womerns like that. Fillies got to eat too!

Here’s actually a few of the “How To” items that Esquire magazine has for its sensitive fellows:

How-To:

Have Sex in a Car (AWD says hopefully while it’s not in gear and not with your metrosexual hair stylist named Lance!)

How to Broil a Steak (Good Lord! Any man over 20 that can’t cook a slab of meat needs more help than Esquire Magazine!)

How to Be a Player (be black, play professional basketball and then become a criminal. Why would any white man want to be a ‘player?’)

How to Find Her G Spot (first of all, stop looking on Lance the hair stylist! Second, better learn the A-F spots first, Poindexter!)

Another thing that is always worth a laugh in these Esquire-type mag-o-zines is the girly clothes they wear. The clothes and the models look like they all came out of the gay parts of Paris…and since all of Paris is gay, you KNOW the gay parts are really gay! These mens mags are full of emaciated, AIDs victim looking poofter models who look like they would cringe at the sight of blood when they shave their legs. And that designer sh*t goes for big bucks too! For example, Esquire has an article called Best Jeans for Men in this months edition. Most of the recommended jeans go for $200! $200 for a pair of jeans! For a man! I wouldn’t pay $200 for the jeans that Elvis wore before taking his infamous final dump! For $250 you can get a Bersa Thunder .380! Let me help you out, Esquire readers! AWD’s rules for blue jeans are simple and economical:

1. They don’t cost more than $25 and can be purchased at any Wal-Mart.
2. They should be worn above your ass (for any homey Esquire readers)
3. They must be large enough to fit a family of 4 so they don’t start crowding the cojones (this may not apply to Esquire regular readers) and large enough to conceal a host of weapons.

Take the other $175 and buy a genuine, made in Texas Angry White Dude t shirt and a pair of cowboy boots and you’ll be on your way to becoming a man. Try walking into your local pool hall establishment wearing that $2500 Armini ensemble! The local fellows will laugh you out of the joint for your fashion faux pas. They’ll also stick a pool cue up your butt. No, you’re much better off with the AWD t shirt, some Wal-Mart Wranglers and a pair of old cowboy boots….and 5 or 6 handguns.

AWD is a benevolent dude. I try to help dudes of all sexes. Even the male women that read Esquire Magazine. I’d recommend these fashion-loving, fancy food-tard, sensitive guys drink a big ol’ glass of testosterone but I’m afraid they would misinterpret my meaning (if you know what I mean! Hint: it might involve Lance). This is what happens when men are raised to be women! They become “sensitive” types who can’t shoot, fish, clean a weapon, change the oil, etc. They also become Democrats. No woman really wants a man who has more facial skin products than she or takes lavender scented bubble baths while reading Esquire magazine to learn what they think it means to be a man! That’s like asking Michael Moore what it means to eat a vegetable or Hussein Hopenchange what it means to be a patriotic American. In short, they don’t have the first clue!

Here’s exactly what I’m talking about. Check this out! Esquire asks “what style of American man are you?” They list 13 types. Know what they all have in common? Why, it’s quite simple! The are all metrosexual douche bags!

What Style of American Man Are You?

Here’s a hint, metrosexuals. If you want to learn about being a man, you’re not going to learn it in a magazine, junior. Esquire readers, you’re much better off reading Angry White Dude. I’ll shoot you straight!

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37 Comments

  1. Hilariously true…laughed so many times thru this blog post that it’s now where I have to take a rest for a few.

    Spot-On AWD….you ended my evening with a grin on my face, too funny.

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  2. SPURWING PLOVER says:

    Showing men as prissy piano players riding bicycles and making vegan recipies like JAMES CROMWELL who starred in those two stupid BABE movies snstead of riding horses or driving trucks and doing a realy meat and potatos meal, Girlie men who get their sons to take up BALLET instead of FOOTBALL or TRUCK DRIVING

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    • RidinShotgun says:

      James Cromwell is a friggen panty-waist commie! His old man was hauled in front of HUAC & then black-balled by Joe McCarthy & Ronald Reagan and with good reason! Every time he gets offed in some movie, my only regret is that it wasn’t slow enough.

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  3. Mr. Grumpus says:

    Excellent Dudeness! Myself, I’m not an overly large guy, but it’s not the size of the dog as they say. Sissy boys wear on me quick like. Try this out metro boys, Grumpy’s average day: wake up early, go outside and pee with the dog, take a shower and put on un-gay clothes, pick my totin piece of the day, tell the wife I’m leaving, get in the truck and go work about ten hours, come home and say hi to the wife, eat some supper, check out what Dude and BT are talkin about, perhaps wrestle the wife and then sleep. Now, see how easy that is? No gay watches or ballsqueezer jeans necessary. Get a clue freaks.

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  4. 79firebirdman says:

    I gotta disagree about Walmart blue jeans and Walmart clothes and shoes generally. They’re cheaply made Chinese made junk and they don’t last very long. And I am not hard on pants: a good quality pair will last me for several years. I buy mine at Ross and Burkes. They’re usually seconds or slight irregulars, but they are quality, name brand goods, usually $15 to $20. Only problem is, since what they have in stock constantly changes, sometimes all they have are the girly looking designer jeans that I wouldn’t be caught dead in at a dog fight. Probably the same faggot looking $200 pants Esquire was praising, that didn’t sell. Kinda off topic I know… But I had to rant!!

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  5. I spend a bit more cash on pants. They also happen to be rip stop, so my junk doesn’t flash the neighbors during a landscaping incident involving sharp implements, and they’re Teflon coated to ward off and unforseen toddler juice cup hand grenades or a spill from my non Bloomberg approved bladder buster sweet tea.

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  6. Mr. Grumpus says:

    J in MS, what part of the great state are you close to? I’m Starkville area.

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    • Southaven/Hernando area. I know Starkville quite well. I was born and raised in Columbus, where my folks and brother still live.

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      • Mr. Grumpus says:

        Cool J, I’m also familiar with Southhaven area. Seems like we all know each other in little old Mississippi. I’m actually in Columbus myself, but I usually say Starkville area since most of the country has no idea where Columbus, MS is located. Come to think of it, they usually don’t know where Starkville is either.

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  7. Methinks AWD doth protest too much … God forbid that anyone would think him a ‘girly man’ – lmao.

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    • Here fixed it for you,

      Methinks AWD doth protest too much … Continuum Transfunctioner forbid that anyone would think him a ‘girly man’ – lmao.

      You don’t believe in God do you?

      Didn’t think so,

      Laters,
      Dude Sweet

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  8. I once bought one of these so called “men magazines” in an airport because it sounded like a good idea for a magazine. At some point reading it I started to wonder if they were trying to pull my leg. It described a lifestyle that had nothing to do with mine or with anything I wanted to be related with.

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  9. Haven’t laughed this hard in awhile, AWD! Thanks– I needed that! :)

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  10. Let’s see now, for the first ad to kick off “Project Daisy,” an ad hoc program to lift up the gun ownership rates of the cosmopolitans:

    Be a Man Amongst the Metrosexuals
    Own an AR-15

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  11. If a magazine does not have a fish, deer, or gun on the cover it will never appear in my library.
    (oops, forgot a “bunny”)

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    • I saw an old book ranking the “masculinity” vs. “femininity” of job positions: “engineer” ranked HIGHER than a cop! Yeah, you nerdy guys whom the MSM laughs at are actually MORE manly than the cops they fawn over in the copper shows!

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  12. AWD still on your game. Very, very funny.

    I went to the chiropractor yesterday. He had People magazine. I did not know who, what or why the people were. I know young American men slaver over Jennifer Lopez. If any guy out there calls her J Lo, you are not a guy, you are gay.

    Anyone who watches Calvin Klein commercials without throwing up in your mouth–well stick a spit up your butt to check your testosterone.

    I only own one gun–if I had more money, I would own more guns. I do not fish or hunt, but fishermen and hunters have my respect. I understand them.

    I would put women in combat as quickly as I can pick up my minivan and lift it over my head. WT^F is wrong with that Beyonce’ creature? I saw a couple of minutes of video of the Super Bowl half time and she was walking across the stage as if she had hip dysplasia and needs to be put down. Yet my son and friends (mid twenties) tell me that is sexy and she is great.

    I am ready for the dirt nap. Between pussy assed liberal male genitalia licking politicians on both sides of the aisle who don’t give a monkey’s ass about our country, its borders and our Constitution and women who are proud that they put their faces in other women’s birth canals, I reckon I am a relic and not long for this world.

    There is no place like men for me in this world anymore. You cannot tell someone that you are opposed to illegal immigration without being told you are anti Hispanic. It is a sound bite world. Unthinking dumb shits learn all about the world from Stewart and Colbert and fancy they are up to speed on world events. They think sequester is the name of a race horse.

    Yesterday, after sitting here in the man cave and viewing all the bullshit of the world and all the f***ing gay shit that goes on, including bouncy Beyonce’, I walked out to the living room and kissed my Debbie, long and hard, and thanked her for being who and what she is.

    It is sad to say, but except for her and a very few other things, there ain’t nothing to see here anymore, I’ll just move along.

    Before I go–if there are any crazy real man bastids out there and you want to storm–something- anything the violates our country, call me. I may rather totter out of this sphere like the mouse giving the eagle the finger.

    PS Where re the women like HedY Lamarr, Lena Horne, and my first preteen love , Ingrid Bergman??

    For today’s ma n it’s Rupaul.

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    • Hey, Mr. B…I share many of your points. How about Connie Stevens, Lana Wood, and Noelle Neal or whatever that superman babe’s name was? Ann Margaret in Viva Las Vegas…good Gawd almighty!

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      • My testosterone level is way down , at my age. The thoughts of the women you named caused a strange stirring. Oh, thank God, I am not dead yet.

        I bet we both could sit back and think of a few more, but I tend to drool on my keyboard and it gives me away when Debbie comes in.

        Raquel Welch!!!!!!!!!!!

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        • Joey Heatherton…Carol from Mr. Ed…I think her real name was Connie…Speaking of that…I don’t think I ever met a Connie that wasn’t cute. Juliet Prowse and whoever that was that did the swimming in “The creature from the black lagoon.” I could go on but my breathing is getting ragged.

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      • I’m a bit younger, but Doris Day was it for me. Not the only one of course.

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  13. I used to read that crap until I bought Alan Flusser’s book
    ‘Clothes and the Man”

    It gave me a sense of what is real in fashion, and I saved lots of money by not spending on fad clothing and instead buying quality timeless fashion.

    Women do in fact like smart dressed Manly Men, and they can spot juvenile fadwear from miles away. And after all there are two reason to look nice, one because you have some self esteem, and two to get Laid.

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  14. bluffcreek1967 says:

    Great points AWD! I’ve felt the same about the so-called modern Men’s magazines. The models all look gay, overly skinny and they essentially look like young boys! How the hell can any real man identify with that?! Also, if you read some of the articles (yes, I admit I have), they’re all written in the ‘hipster’ style of composition. Most of the analogies the writers make are foreign to me. The articles are snarky and they try to be much too ‘cool’ for their own good. The information in them is never presented in simple, clear language.

    What the hell happened to men these days?! Can’t any of these men’s magazines actually picture a guy who doesn’t look like some emaciated homo? I guess it’s a reflection of our times. If you care to compare men’s magazines of the 60s, you’ll see how truly different men were perceived and what was considered masculine by society. Also, the sort of ‘fashion’ presented in rags like GQ and Esquire is often unwearable! The combinations are odd, frequently mismatched colors, and it’s the kind of stuff most common-sense people would laugh at if they caught you wearing it!

    Personally, I like the classics of men’s attire that has stood the test of time. Also, a good pair of jeans, boots and a jacket always look and feel good! A man can still appear well-dressed and masculine at the same time without having to look like one of the anal-intruders on the cover of GQ!

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  15. Cool article! You know, I see a lot of these wussy “mens” magazines at work, which by the way most of my co-workers are women. I will not touch those magazines with a 10 foot pole. I guess they were made by sissy men and angry liberal women. One thing is certain: there is NOTHING that Esquire and those other douchebag mags can ever teach me to be manly that I don’t know already.

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  16. esquear should put Larry The Cable guy on the cover
    Now that’s a man
    I was a extra in one of Larrys movies (Whitless Protection) They filmed a lot in town. He is a real American One day His wife pushing a stroller yelled over to Larry she was going over to the dollar store. He asked if she wanted anyone to go with,she said no and off she went. She also was a down to earth person.
    Skully
    Plano IL.
    Home of the Plano brand

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  17. Spurwing Plover says:

    Mens magazine doing a article on PEE WEE HERMIN and his dumb bike

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  18. For someone to be truly punchworthy, all they need to do is wear skinny jeans and have a bluetooth sticking out of thier ear. I feel it is my duty to put a knuckle mark on their forhead.

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    • NCO77

      I confess to being somewhat insane: I am not into a lot of today’s techie shtick even though I had a 50 year career in computers. So:

      Bluetooth, you saw me standing alone
      Without a phone of my own
      Without a dream of my own

      And then there suddenly appeared before me
      the only phone I’d never ever known
      I heard it whisper please adore me
      And now I’m texting home

      Bluetooth , you knew just what I was there for
      You heard me saying a prayer for
      A service to call my own.

      So bluetooth–stick it in your ear!!!

      I may be a couple of weeks late on my psych visit.

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  20. I went to the website and paged through the whole thing. The picture at the top of AWD’s article was labeled “The Player”. What girls are going out with something that looks like that?…or any of the other “types” they were showing. Although the first guy in the article looked pretty good to me, it went downhill from there.
    I realized, looking at my post, I have a difficulty referring to them as “men” or those who would date them as “women”.

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  21. I’m sure AWD will be hearing from Semper Fi for this post on gays… remember him???

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  22. Im so sick of this girly crap.
    Its sick.
    Good article 😀

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  23. Man, AWD, if you’re paying $25 for jeans you’re paying too much. I haven’t picked up a copy of Esquire in many moons simply because it is what you say, a girlie mag. Another one is Texas Monthly, can’t stand that mag.

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  24. I swim regularly so use ear plugs all the time. My most comfortable pair were moulded from a kit, they’re much more comfortable than foam earplugs and don’t seem to wear out. It’s much cheaper than having your earplugs custom fitted by an audiologist; I’d suggest them to anybody who uses them often.

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  25. How is this NOT a parody? I still can’t come to grips with that.

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