Meet the new Pope…same as the old Pope! Didn’t we just go through all this picking the Pope thing a few months ago? AWD is protesting the vote. I’m convinced it’s fixed! Once again, despite a strong, supa-secret write-in campaign, Angry White Dude (El Biggus Sexius) has been ripped off! And once again, the Catholic Cardinals have chosen a fuzzy little foreigner to be the man in the big hat!
I’m not sure how all this Pope bidness works. AWD isn’t even Catholic but I don’t think that should be a rule to be the Pope! Hell no! The Pope needs to be a stylish cat who isn’t afraid to get sideways with Muslims and won’t take guff off of Mezcans. It’s time we have a Pope who drives a F-150 and wears a cowboy hat and boots! After passing us over for the past 3 million years, it’s time we have a Pope who is ‘merican, man.
Just think how cool it would be if Pope Big Sexy were to open up that little window at the Vatican with an AR slung over his shoulder! What a message of peace that would be. My first words as Pope would be, “hey, all you wops, get off of my patio…except all you hot Italian fillies!” The world would immediately know the new Pope don’t take no sh*t and would get their asses in gear!
Next thing I’d do as Pope Sexius is get KISS to write some new hymns instead of those boring old Gregorian Chant things that are so boring they would make Jesus cuss. Liven things up a bit. With lasers and flash bombs!
After that, I’d throw away that bidness where priests can’t get married or reel in the biscuit. Like AWD’s mama says, “people are gonna screw.” Yup! It’s not natural for hombres to be celibate. AWD would change that crap right away and make it permissible for priests to get some. God didn’t give men all that tostesorene if he didn’t intend on us using it!
Next thing, I’d immediately challenge that savage al Qaeda tool Al-Zawahiri to meet Pope Sexius in the squared circle for a Texas Rope match. Hell yeah, I’d put that bastid in an inverted suplex followed up by an unsanctioned pile driver outside the ropes until he cried “I’m a Jew!” and submitted! Because Pope Sexius don’t take no crap! The undisputed champion of the religious world!
I believe the world is ready for….nay, needs an American Pope who drives a big-ass pickup with Dale Watson blasting out the stereo, wears manly footwear like cowboy boots and has more guns than China. Oh sure, they have a new Pope who speaks Spanish. Well, yo quiero Taco Bell! So do I! And I’m done with being passed over for Pope!
Catholics in America should protest this new Pope! I’m more than prepared to debate this new Pope from Argentina if that’s what it takes. Hey, I saw Evita! Madonna sucked.
And what about the new Pope’s name? Pope Francis? Francis? That’s about as scary as Pope Lance! Sounds like a hairdresser. The Pope needs a manly name like Biggus Sexius or Pope Miles Long. It is time for a heavily armed, ‘merican Pope, y’all! AWD is that Pope! I demand a recount! Vote for me!