Meet the new Pope…same as the old Pope! Didn’t we just go through all this picking the Pope thing a few months ago? AWD is protesting the vote. I’m convinced it’s fixed! Once again, despite a strong, supa-secret write-in campaign, Angry White Dude (El Biggus Sexius) has been ripped off! And once again, the Catholic Cardinals have chosen a fuzzy little foreigner to be the man in the big hat!

I’m not sure how all this Pope bidness works. AWD isn’t even Catholic but I don’t think that should be a rule to be the Pope! Hell no! The Pope needs to be a stylish cat who isn’t afraid to get sideways with Muslims and won’t take guff off of Mezcans. It’s time we have a Pope who drives a F-150 and wears a cowboy hat and boots! After passing us over for the past 3 million years, it’s time we have a Pope who is ‘merican, man.

Just think how cool it would be if Pope Big Sexy were to open up that little window at the Vatican with an AR slung over his shoulder! What a message of peace that would be. My first words as Pope would be, “hey, all you wops, get off of my patio…except all you hot Italian fillies!” The world would immediately know the new Pope don’t take no sh*t and would get their asses in gear!

Next thing I’d do as Pope Sexius is get KISS to write some new hymns instead of those boring old Gregorian Chant things that are so boring they would make Jesus cuss. Liven things up a bit. With lasers and flash bombs!

After that, I’d throw away that bidness where priests can’t get married or reel in the biscuit. Like AWD’s mama says, “people are gonna screw.” Yup! It’s not natural for hombres to be celibate. AWD would change that crap right away and make it permissible for priests to get some. God didn’t give men all that tostesorene if he didn’t intend on us using it!

Next thing, I’d immediately challenge that savage al Qaeda tool Al-Zawahiri to meet Pope Sexius in the squared circle for a Texas Rope match. Hell yeah, I’d put that bastid in an inverted suplex followed up by an unsanctioned pile driver outside the ropes until he cried “I’m a Jew!” and submitted! Because Pope Sexius don’t take no crap! The undisputed champion of the religious world!

I believe the world is ready for….nay, needs an American Pope who drives a big-ass pickup with Dale Watson blasting out the stereo, wears manly footwear like cowboy boots and has more guns than China. Oh sure, they have a new Pope who speaks Spanish. Well, yo quiero Taco Bell! So do I! And I’m done with being passed over for Pope!

Catholics in America should protest this new Pope! I’m more than prepared to debate this new Pope from Argentina if that’s what it takes. Hey, I saw Evita! Madonna sucked.

And what about the new Pope’s name? Pope Francis? Francis? That’s about as scary as Pope Lance! Sounds like a hairdresser. The Pope needs a manly name like Biggus Sexius or Pope Miles Long. It is time for a heavily armed, ‘merican Pope, y’all! AWD is that Pope! I demand a recount! Vote for me!

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  1. Pope rope-a-dope.

  2. charles arthur says:

    I can’t believe you didn’t make it this time.

  3. Mr. Grumpus says:

    The Poper Scoper

  4. Mr. Grumpus says:

    El Papa de Mucho Grande

  5. Red Cowboy Boots would be the in thing.

  6. The Catholic church is the enemy of the left, and has been for decades. The closest I ever got to being Catholic was being Christened as a baby, and being born in a Catholic hospital. My fathers people all the way back to the beginning were Catholic and he saw fit to not put my brothers and me through that.

    The new Pope is an ethnic Italian, but due to the fact he was born in Argentina, he will be co-opted by the Latino community. Say goodbye gabachos, the new Pope will be the champion of the brown man.

    The worlds first ‘third world’ Pope.

    • Joe Stalin says:

      I was watching this movie “For Greater Glory: The True Story of Cristiada” (2012) ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1566501/ ) about a war in Mexico from 1926 to 1929.

      It was partially financed by the Knights of Columbus and is about a struggle tacitly supported by the Vatican of Catholics against the government of Mexico.

      “A chronicle of the Cristeros War (1926-1929); a war by the people of Mexico against the atheistic Mexican government.”

      So AWD’s illustration of Charles Bronson with the Thompson actually is QUITE APPROPRIATE!

    • I wish they would stop clamoring to fill this country with illegals from Mexico.

  7. Manberries says:

    Nice. But who wants to be the Pope? I’m thinking more like “Ming the Merciless” ruler of the universe status. If you HAVE to be Pope, I guess you have my vote. I would aim higher personally.

  8. AWD,

    I see you got passed over for the pope position. My condolences, you would have been the perfect leader of the child molesting monstrosity that is the catholic church.

    • This would be that civil discourse you leftist freakazoids keeps lecturing us about. Wouldn’t surprise me if you view that lefty devotee of drugging and sodomising 13 year old girls, Roman Polanski, as some kind of secular martyr.

      • First Liam, I am no leftist. Freakazoid maybe!! The catholic church is guilty of creating an environment of victims. CHILD victims. I am an atheist, there is no god and religion is mans way of controlling his fellow man, or in the case of catholic priests, their way of controlling children. What I find repulsive is anyone like you, Liam, who would come to the defense of the catholics. Imagine that, adults believing in fairy tales and mythology. AWD wrote a post dripping with sarcasm; I reply in kind and suddenly it’s unacceptable? And when did I ever lecture anybody about civil discourse? NEVER, that’s when. I don’t believe in civil discourse, say whatever the f~ck you want to say to whoever you want to say it. I think Liam is vying for a PC police job for the site. Hey Liam suck a fat one bit~h

        • Cast-Away

          OK, if I mistook you for a leftist, then I accept my error. I am no PC’er myself, and the reference to “civil discourse” was itself “dripping with sarcasm”.

          I abhor sexual abuse of children in all forms, at all times, and would be happy to personally execute those guilty of the worst cases. I happen to believe that the biggest contributor to a climate where such filth flourishes is our corrupt, degraded secular culture, with its slide into pornographic degeneracy, against which a humble Christian Church – of whatever denomination – is the primary defence.

          And I’ll politely decline the offer in your last sentence, and respectfully suggest you take an option involving sex and travel yourself.

  9. Alright! We will make ya Pope On A Rope, rawhide rope.

  10. http://www.youtube.com/watch?f.....dR6MN2jKYs
    Here ya go,Music that don’t suck

  11. AWD…..you didn’t stand a chance at becoming Pope….not a chance……the voting was rigged………

    How could you have known what fate had in store for the the office of Pope……..No one could have for-seen what actually happened…….It was written in the stars but all the soothsayers in the world could not have predicted that Jorge was going to be the “”man””……..

    Ya just didn’t stand a China man’s chance in hell of becoming Pope…………..

    Here’s why………




  13. bargis tryhol says:

    El Douchebag Joe Biden will be meeting the new Pontiff in Rome on Tuesday. This should be interesting as pro-abortion and gay supporter Joe will have some tough questions asked by the new Pope…..


  14. AWD should be the new pope…and his scepter is his AR15.

  15. Yeah, I thought that I had a shot at the top spot this time around too. Keep in mind though, this dude is 80 years old, so it won’t be that long before I get another shot at the Vatican’s head honcho gig.

    GA Steve….Red cowboy boots would be a nice touch……I’ll have to get my red lizard skins buffed up and ready! I’d think a Luchese 5 toe would be appropriate…..The riding 6 heel will never be noticed.



    Why did POPE BENEDICT retire in the first place i though they were in for life

    • He stated clearly he was to old and ill to carry on as a Pope. I believe him. I got too sick to carry on in my workplace and spent a year trying to hide it prior to retiring early. I understand completely. I believe you have to be there to understand.

    • Cool, finally one who answers to Gods rule, not the peoples wants or desires.

      • Hi michael…

        I’m really liking this Pope the more I read and learn about him. – I don’t know if you saw some of the links I posted last night, above somewhere…but they’re pretty telling too.

        • Time will tell, the Catholic Church has floating on a sewer, so to speak, for a very long time. The Pope has much to do that is distasteful to pull his Church out of its death spiral. He can do it if he so desires with much prayer and faith.

  17. http://www.breitbart.com/Big-P.....x-marriage

    Would be nice if he Ex-Communicates those Catholic Clergy that advocated same sex
    marriage. He can forgive them, but they don’t belong in the Clergy anymore than those that advocated abortion. These are two of the sickest things wrong with the Catholic Church. Those that don’t agree and like it are free to form their own Church or whatever.
    Got my coffee down, life is good again.

  18. All your comments just show how ignoramus you are on Catholicism, and now I truly understand the cause for conservatism divisiveness that is being created in this Country.

    • I don’t get where you’re coming from. The article was meant to be light hearted, not taken seriously. The comments are generally favorable to the new pope.

  19. Snake Oiler says:

    Wow! Tremendous!

    I Agree with Erin Burnett About the Catholic Church

    Poor Erin Burnett, “journalist” with CNN.

    She just can’t understand why the Catholic Church (CC) hasn’t adopted all her bleeding-heart Liberal causes, because then, she’d, like, you know, like, well, return to being a Catholic. As if the CC is just waiting for her to grace them with her presence.

    Yeah the silly buggers. I mean, just what are they thinking wanting to keep their traditions, beliefs and clinging to over 2000 years of history? What’s not to like about women’s rights, gay marriage and abortion by the bucket load?

    Seeing as I’m a Catholic (disclaimer), I really, really have a problem with all these sanctimonious idiots who think that they have a right to comment, when they don’t even identify as being Catholic. The Left have been apoplectic since Pope Benedict XVI stepped down, bashing the Church as being outdated and irrelevant. Yeah, that’s why they have 1.2 BILLION followers, eh you bunch of ankers with a W. These loser Liberals have been speculating if it’s time for the CC to join the 21st century and accept abortion, gay marriage, female priests, climate change (I kid you not) and every other bleeding-heart cause, since they are losing support. I say it’s BECAUSE they’ve been infiltrated by Liberal scum and forcing their Liberalism on the parishioners that the Church has been losing support.

    Yes, sure, there is a tainted history with the child sex-scandals. But, ask yourself this: why? Why would grown men enter the priesthood knowing they had a predilection for youngsters? Well, because they know they have a captive, innocent audience to prey on. Just like the Boy Scouts have been infiltrated by these pervert paedophiles, so has the CC. It’s now up to the CC to sort this out, once and for all, and have a better screening and accountability process. And if CC members are aware of what can happen, then they should ensure their kids have proper oversight, because we all know that these pervert paedophiles are slimy bastards who will smile at you, and at the same time fondle an innocent child behind your back.

    And just to clarify, EVERY religion has it’s share of perverts. Islam, Jews, and every other Christian sector. And even the atheists and agnostics. Or where do you think these perverts hide? Every sector of life has their little paedophiles waiting to pounce. The only reason that the Liberals have gone after the CC is because they know it’s the most powerful Church to be destroyed. Once the CC is destroyed (they wish), then the rest of Christianity will be easy pickings. And their Utopia of an amoral, self-gratifying, indecent and easily manipulated world can be fulfilled.


    • Snake, the only beef I have with the CC is the fact that they hid and protected pedophiles within their own ranks for many years. If they shunned them, and actively prosecuted them under the law instead of simply excommunicating them and sweeping it under the rug, I would respect them a lot more. When they start to lock up the sickos within their own ranks they will regain some credibility that they sadly lost to cover ups and lies to their followers. And by the way I was raised a catholic although I dont go to church. This is one reason why…I dont like hypocrites. When some guy stands in front of me and tells me how to live and how to worship..and then behind closed doors has sickening deviate sex with an alter boy…Im sorry but I cant buy into that religion or not. Besides the fact that homosexuality disgusts me, its even more disgusting to have a hypocrite stand in front of you and tell you how to live when they are in fact a sick pos.

  20. I’m probably a bad person. That’s the first thing I thought when I heard his name…Francis…Francis?! (Sorry to anybody reading this whose name is Francis.)

    • Snake Oiler says:

      That is pathetic. The Pope should kick Biden right in the jimmy then pimp slap Nancy so hard that it knocks her even more senseless than normal, if that’s possible. The CC will not be doing their brand any favors by allowing these two scumbags to gratuitously associate themselves with it. These two assholes represent the antithesis of just about everything the CC stands for.