There’s been public outrage since the Department of Homeland Security enacted rules of engagement requiring the Border Patrol to run and hide from illegal drug cartels shooting at them instead of blowing their asses to the moon. We certainly don’t want anything like that to happen….their feelings could be wounded! Or worse, shooting an armed Mexican drug smuggler or Muslim terrorist could be misinterpreted as racism! No, no, you right-wing extremists, that is not what President Barack Obama and DHS honcho Napolitano want. America is better than that!
Due of the outrage over the ‘run and hide’ orders, Napolitano has ordered Border Patrol agents to throw objects at drug cartels if, and only if, being fired upon first. She said:
“President Obama and the Department of Homeland Security are very concerned about the lives and safety of Border Patrol agents. Almost as much as we are about the lives and safety illegal aliens and terrorists. That is why we created the ‘run and hide’ rules of engagement to avoid armed conflict. However, we realize there may be times when agents hiding from illegal aliens and drug cartels may be fired upon.
Therefore, effective immediately, we are expanding the current rules of engagement to include the hurling of objects at drug cartels, illegal aliens, or potential Muslim freedom fighters from Pok-ee-stahn who are firing at you.
The following clarifies common questions concerning the hurling of objects if, and only if, the agent is being fired upon:
- Objects cannot be of a hard or pointed material that can cause lasting damage
- Hurling light-hearted verbal exchanges is preferred. For example, “ha ha…missed me!” is acceptable. In his laughter, the assailant might stop shooting and want to be friends. “Tu madre” or “Taco Bell sucks” could be construed as racist and must be avoided.
- If an object is hurled, it must be something light that will not injure or leave a mark on the firing drug cartel member. The Border Patrol ball cap is an approved object to throw. So are bean bags, or balled-up napkins. Dried up twigs and leaves lying about are also acceptable hurling objects. Environmental destruction will not be tolerated.
- The agent should not take careful aim at the smuggler or terrorist but should throw the object in the general direction of the gunfire, trying to avoid hitting the shooter.
At no time is it acceptable to draw and fire your weapon. Shooting an undocumented American could create an international event. Worse yet, if the Border Patrol agent is white, the shooting will be interpreted as being racially motivated, as it should be. It is a much better option for the agent to give his life for his country by allowing himself/herself to be killed in the line of duty rather than bringing shame on DHS with a charge of racism.”
Seeing a business opportunity Angry White Imam Products has begun selling the ‘Cactus In A Minute’ Border Patrol Agent disguise to save Border Patrol agents the embarrassment of rolling around on the desert floor or looking for a cave to hide in when seconds count. Angry White Imam Products also sells the ever-popular “Muslim In A Minute” TSA Disguise.
A sales brochure being sent to Border Patrol agents says:
Hey Border Patrol agents! You know how embarrassing it can be trying to find a good place to hide from undocumented Democrats these days! Janet Napolitano and those government bureaucrats don’t even take into consideration how hard it is to find a good bush to hide behind while all those drug cartels and terrorists roar through your position with guns blazing! And you know what a drag it can be throwing bean bags at guys armed with RPG’s from the Fast and Furious program! Getting hit by one of those can ruin your day!
Angry White Imam products has the answer! Get your very own ‘Cactus In A Minute’ Border Patrol Agent disguise! No more rolling around in the dirt with the scorpions, snakes, and tons of trash and corpses left by generations of illegals! Your ‘Cactus In A Minute’ Border Patrol Agent disguise is the answer! Each disguise comes with:
- One easy entry, life-like cactus suit made of environmentally friendly materials that will fool even the most experienced smuggler or terrorist!
- Comes in an economical one-arm cactus disguise package to a five-arm deluxe model complete with authentic looking Gila Woodpecker© attachment
- Each cactus disguise has soft, natural-looking rubber needles that won’t prick a drug smuggler or terrorist if he gets too close, saving you from disciplinary actions from DHS for causing injury to our new friends!
- One container of face paint in beautiful and natural Saguaro Green© or sassy Prickly Pear Dark Green© with self-adhesive facial needle attachments
- An emergency “Oh Shit!”© discovery kit in case you are recognized as a Border Patrol agent consisting of: 12 bean bags with imprinted with “Welcome to America!”, English to Spanish dictionary with DHS-approved verbal taunts, and 3 authentic ‘Allah’s Finest©’ Islamic Prayer Rugs for gifts to Islamic extremists sneaking into the country before they decapitate you, and a legal last will and testament!
Yes, you’ll be the envy of your fellow Border Patrol Agents in your ‘Cactus In A Minute’ disguise! Why roll around in the dust when you can stand tall and be proud that you have not embarrassed your country by apprehending drug smugglers and Muslim extremists adding to our great diversity? And you’ll be proud to know that Angry White Imam Products will donate 5% of the purchase price of each disguise to the Fallen Terrorist charity. Each ‘Cactus In A Minute’ disguise retails for only $199!
It’s good to know that President Obama and Secretary Napolitano are so concerned about safety. Unfortunately, it’s not the safety of our Border Patrol!