There’s been public outrage since the Department of Homeland Security enacted rules of engagement requiring the Border Patrol to run and hide from illegal drug cartels shooting at them instead of blowing their asses to the moon. We certainly don’t want anything like that to happen….their feelings could be wounded! Or worse, shooting an armed Mexican drug smuggler or Muslim terrorist could be misinterpreted as racism! No, no, you right-wing extremists, that is not what President Barack Obama and DHS honcho Napolitano want.  America is better than that!  

Due of the outrage over the ‘run and hide’ orders, Napolitano has ordered Border Patrol agents to throw objects at drug cartels if, and only if, being fired upon first. She said:

“President Obama and the Department of Homeland Security are very concerned about the lives and safety of Border Patrol agents. Almost as much as we are about the lives and safety illegal aliens and terrorists. That is why we created the ‘run and hide’ rules of engagement to avoid armed conflict. However, we realize there may be times when agents hiding from illegal aliens and drug cartels may be fired upon.

Therefore, effective immediately, we are expanding the current rules of engagement to include the hurling of objects at drug cartels, illegal aliens, or potential Muslim freedom fighters from Pok-ee-stahn who are firing at you.

The following clarifies common questions concerning the hurling of objects if, and only if, the agent is being fired upon:

  • Objects cannot be of a hard or pointed material that can cause lasting damage
  • Hurling light-hearted verbal exchanges is preferred.  For example, “ha ha…missed me!” is acceptable.  In his laughter, the assailant might stop shooting and want to be friends. “Tu madre” or “Taco Bell sucks” could be construed as racist and must be avoided.
  • If an object is hurled, it must be something light that will not injure or leave a mark on the firing drug cartel member.  The Border Patrol ball cap is an approved object to throw.  So are bean bags, or balled-up napkins. Dried up twigs and leaves lying about are also acceptable hurling objects. Environmental destruction will not be tolerated.
  • The agent should not take careful aim at the smuggler or terrorist but should throw the object in the general direction of the gunfire, trying to avoid hitting the shooter.

At no time is it acceptable to draw and fire your weapon. Shooting an undocumented American could create an international event. Worse yet, if the Border Patrol agent is white, the shooting will be interpreted as being racially motivated, as it should be. It is a much better option for the agent to give his life for his country by allowing himself/herself to be killed in the line of duty rather than bringing shame on DHS with a charge of racism.”

Seeing a business opportunity Angry White Imam Products has begun selling the ‘Cactus In A Minute’ Border Patrol Agent disguise to save Border Patrol agents the embarrassment of rolling around on the desert floor or looking for a cave to hide in when seconds count.  Angry White Imam Products also sells the ever-popular “Muslim In A Minute” TSA Disguise.

A sales brochure being sent to Border Patrol agents says:

Hey Border Patrol agents! You know how embarrassing it can be trying to find a good place to hide from undocumented Democrats these days! Janet Napolitano and those government bureaucrats don’t even take into consideration how hard it is to find a good bush to hide behind while all those drug cartels and terrorists roar through your position with guns blazing! And you know what a drag it can be throwing bean bags at guys armed with RPG’s from the Fast and Furious program! Getting hit by one of those can ruin your day!

Angry White Imam products has the answer! Get your very own ‘Cactus In A Minute’ Border Patrol Agent disguise! No more rolling around in the dirt with the scorpions, snakes, and tons of trash and corpses left by generations of illegals! Your ‘Cactus In A Minute’ Border Patrol Agent disguise is the answer!  Each disguise comes with:

  • One easy entry, life-like cactus suit made of environmentally friendly materials that will fool even the most experienced smuggler or terrorist!
  • Comes in an economical one-arm cactus disguise package to a five-arm deluxe model complete with authentic looking Gila Woodpecker© attachment
  • Each cactus disguise has soft, natural-looking rubber needles that won’t prick a drug smuggler or terrorist if he gets too close, saving you from disciplinary actions from DHS for causing injury to our new friends!
  • One container of face paint in beautiful and natural Saguaro Green© or sassy Prickly Pear Dark Green© with self-adhesive facial needle attachments
  • An emergency “Oh Shit!”© discovery kit in case you are recognized as a Border Patrol agent consisting of: 12 bean bags with imprinted with “Welcome to America!”, English to Spanish dictionary with DHS-approved verbal taunts, and 3 authentic ‘Allah’s Finest©’ Islamic Prayer Rugs for gifts to Islamic extremists sneaking into the country before they decapitate you, and a legal last will and testament!

Yes, you’ll be the envy of your fellow Border Patrol Agents in your ‘Cactus In A Minute’ disguise!  Why roll around in the dust when you can stand tall and be proud that you have not embarrassed your country by apprehending drug smugglers and Muslim extremists adding to our great diversity?  And you’ll be proud to know that Angry White Imam Products will donate 5% of the purchase price of each disguise to the Fallen Terrorist charity. Each ‘Cactus In A Minute’ disguise retails for only $199!

It’s good to know that President Obama and Secretary Napolitano are so concerned about safety. Unfortunately, it’s not the safety of our Border Patrol!

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  1. bluffcreek1967 says:

    This is what happens when liberals – especially liberal women – oversee anything that involves law enforcement, criminal law, combatting terrorism, and absolutely anything that requires the use of rifles and handguns!

    Because most women (although I admit not all of them) possess inherent proclivities that make them empathetic, nurturing, soft and ‘understanding,’ they are not naturally suited to be leaders in the law enforcement and military realm. To be an effective leader in this realm, in almost every case, requires STRONG MALE leadership! And not just any old guy, but one who’s not inclined to be empathetic or ‘understanding’ toward America’s enemies. Personally, I long for a DHS leader who’s ruthless, blood-thirsty, and meaner than a hood-rat when it comes to defending the people of America.

    • Michael T says:

      Because most women (although I admit not all of them) possess inherent proclivities that make them empathetic, nurturing, soft and understanding. bluffcreek 1967


      • bluffcreek1967 says:

        You betcha! I’m not sure if you’re agreeing or disagreeing with that, but questions about male and female differences that were so patently obvious during a better time in U.S. history, has to now be spelled out clearly because so many Americans are confused on gender issues.

        • Hey bluff creek 1967,, You know Syl McCoy?
          I was a Ranger there then.

          • bluffcreek1967 says:

            I’m sorry, mrchuck, I sure don’t. But if you were a Ranger there back then, I’m sure you have some stories to tell.

  2. Nappy was a joke as a Governor in Az. The National Guard could not have loaded weapons on the border, they were told to just watch. She is nothing more than a Commie shill for Obama. She’d suck up to anything for power, and she is nasty with it.

  3. Joe Stalin says:

    Clearly, what is needed are autonomous artificial intelligence “search and destroy” robots. Border Technology has developed a “Sonic Barrier” system that can track the footsteps of Mexican infiltrators and send surveillance drones to ID them; it is a simple matter to send armed drones to intercept the hostile invaders and kill them. If they don’t want to die, then stay the F*** home.

    We live here, and the MEXICANS DON’T.


  4. You mean this is satire? I thought it was a real directive from the Obongo administration!

    You know, we laugh at AWD’s hilarious satire pieces like this one, but what’s not funny is that they may actually do something exactly like this a week from now. How many people would be surprised?

    It is also true that if you told people 50 years ago (perhaps as little as 25) the Supreme Court would create a “right” for faggots to marry, they’d laugh. Yet, here we are in 2013 mourning for our fallen country.

    • That’s what happens when Obongo appoints a bulldyke and other leftist turds to the Supreme Court. When you put sh#tstain liberals in the Supreme Court, it becomes a worthless turd like the present administration that destroyed it.



  6. Rockets red glare says:

    Interesting, the ladies judgements are tempered
    By emotion.

    What does that say for the Zimmerman trial.

    Just sayin…..


    Just becarful wearing that goofy outfit or some birds with build a nest on you or some buzzard will use you as a pearch