Yoo hoo! Ahoy polloi and happy Gay Pride Month! AWD is taking time from his uber-straight, real-man normal activities to bask in the warmth of LGBT diversity. As y’all know, AWD is all about diversity! Heeeeeyyyy!
I’m currently lavishly ensconced in my luxurious bathtub taking a marvelous bubble-bath (lavender-scented with Peruvian moisturizing crystals, of course!) as my kitty cat, Mr Mittens, sits closely by enjoying this peaceful moment. I’ve also put on my fave Kenny G tunes (he’s a genius!) to further enhance my chakra. No, a chakra is not a wang, you dirty-minded, homophobic goat-ropers! Actually, AWD isn’t exactly what a chakra is but I once heard a liberal use the word so I’m pretty sure it’s something gay. I’m not sure who is enjoying the music of the masterful Kenny G more….me or Mr Mittens! Kenny G, ahhhhhh….take me away with your melodic temptations! Later, a facial mask!
While soaking away my troubles and embracing Gay Pride Month and all its….ummm…well, gayness, I realized AWD has not done his part to truly understand gayness in its fullest expression. AWD is so straight, scientists can calibrate their instruments to me. I usually just hunt hogs and there’s not a lot of time in the field to reflect on being gay, moisturizing, and whatnot I’m sorry to say.
To help me better have an enlightened understanding of gayness, AWD thought I might take a Feng Shui (whatever the hell that is…and I don’t think it’s Chinese food) course and later redecorate my Casa del Amor in a more gay fashion. The little filly’s been telling me that all those empty ammo boxes and army cots are just not fashionable anymore. AWD’s decorating guide has always been, “if it’s good enough for The Duke, it’s good enough for me!” But maybe the filly is right, for once. Maybe I could get some rainbow rifle slings for my AR’s laying around or something. Put daisies in the barrels, I don’t know. I have always believed there might a more fashionable manner with which to display my arsenal. I’m pretty damn sure some Feng Shui sh*t would go a long way making AWD’s crib more attractive for when my more sensitive friends come over.
And I’ve always longed to learn culinary arts and create a scrumptuous lemon almondini souffle for when I return all hot and sweaty from my yoga classes! All these years, AWD has smoked cow and hog flesh over a hot, old smoker. That’s just so hetero! It won’t do anymore. Yes, a fabulous souffle and an enlightening discussion over green energy and the evils of the capitalist system would be to die for! Yummy!
Hey, now that the haters have rejected their homophobic ways, maybe I’ll join the Boy Scouts! When AWD was a scout, we didn’t have the Manscaping merit badge! We were too busy blowing sh*t up at the campground. Maybe I could show up at the next Pack meeting dressed in this fashion to help educate the straight scouts about tolerance, diversity and acceptance.
Yes! AWD will be the first to show those straight scouts that homosexuals are just like us! Yes, that’s it! Then, at our next big campout with all the other scout packs, ours could enter like this:
It would just be a smashing entrance worthy of Liberace!
Thank you, President Obama! Thank you for dedicating an entire month to 3% of the US population! It would just be…well, just plain awful, if you dedicated a month to the 97% of people who don’t march naked down the streets of our cities doing things that would make Bawney Fwank blush while demanding they be accepted as normal! That would just be hateful to honor those homophobic breeders. The now-diversified AWD would have to work himself into a little ol’ tizzy!
Hey, maybe July can be Muslim Terrorist Month! Allah knows they are misunderstood by the Islamaphobic hater teabaggers in America! Maybe we could have some public stonings and hangings! Hey, how about a mass marriage of 6 year old girls to elderly imams? Ahhh, the beauty of diversity!
Once again, thank you President Obama for dedicating June as Gay Pride Month. We should all be proud and grateful to learn that gays, lebanese, transgendered, bi-sexuals, tri-sexuals, quad-sexuals, will-do-anything sexuals, are just like everyone else! Especially when we see their parades!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, AWD is going to further enjoy by bubble bath and show Mr Mittens some attention. He gets so jealous! Luckily, we have Kenny G here to enhance the mood! Take it away, Kenny! By the way, I just love his hair!