On the heels of the military coup that overthrew Muslim Brotherhood terrorist President Mohamed Morsi, many Egyptians are concerned they will not be able to continue in the time-honored tradition of raping the sh*t out of anything that moves. Cognizant of the national concern, newly appointed President Adly Mansour addressed the nation today. He said:
“My fellow Egyptians, over the past few weeks, we have seen tremendous and wonderful changes to our country! We have overthrown a brutal regime dedicated to imposing a hard-core Islamist government on Egypt. We have shown the power of the people to change what is wrong with Egypt so our children can prosper and live in peace to kill Jews. But, most of all, we have seen some spectacular gang rapes of women! Rapes so brutal that they brought a tear of joy to my eyes. Rapes that make us all proud to be Egyptians!
Even your new President, Adly Mansour, got a man-sore on his man thing from all the raping I’ve done over the past few weeks! So tonight, I can stand before you and say I am proud to Rape Like an Egyptian!”
Egyptian Women’s Rights spokesperson Ywanna M’bouti said in a prepared statement:
“The women of Egypt should be treated with the dignity we deserve! We demand we be treated with respect from Egyptian males, free of rape. All we want to do is be free to live our lives peacefully under our burqas, not leaving our houses unless we have four generations of male relatives present, or having acid thrown on our faces if we accidentally show an ankle on public while we await our stoning or hanging. You know, the quiet life, free of being raped by hundreds of Egyptian men every time we protest whatever the protest of the week is this week.”
President Mansour has promised to meet with Ms M’bouti to discuss his support of rape in Egypt. He has scheduled a meeting with Ms M’bouti in the bottom dungeon of the famed Barack Hussein Obama Prison in a room where thousands of discussions about rape have previously taken place.
Egyptian males were relieved to hear that they will be free to continue their long, proud history of raping everything that moves. In fact, Egypt is so proud of their heritage of rape, the country will soon incorporate the theme into tourism advertisements. Since the Muslim Brotherhood takeover, tourists have been scarce in Egypt out of fear of rape or being blown to bits by Muslim terrorists.
Egyptian Tourism Minister U’liq a M’diq said:
“Egypt’s message to the world is “we are once again open to the world!” With our new secular government and our focus on tourism, Egypt is proud to tell tourists from every country, “we are ready to rape you.” To show our seriousness, Egypt is offering discounts on travel to blond women with large, delectable breasts for a limited time. Some of the new themes we will release to draw tourists to Egypt will be:
- “COME TO EGYPT AND EGYPT WILL COME IN YOU!”
- “VISIT THE PYRAMIDS AND YOU’LL ALWAYS HAVE A PART OF EGYPT IN YOU!”
- “VISIT EGYPT – WE’LL PUT A SHEIK IN YOUR BOOTY!”
President Obama supported Egypt’s tradition of rape in a statement:
“America supports Egypt’s long tradition of rape. It is a tradition that goes back to the Pharaohs. But America encourages Egypt to look beyond traditional rape and encourage the raping of homosexuals. Egypt must support the right of homosexuals to be violated good and proper to be considered a world leader in rape. In fact, I am sending my personal envoy, Reggie Love, to consult with the Egyptians on homosexual rape.”
President Mansour didn’t comment to reporter’s questions on whether Egypt would change it’s national anthem to “Rape Like An Egyptian.” He answered:
“Although I was a huge fan of the infidel Bangles, I don’t know what lies in our future. I’m sure every Egyptian would love to rape the sh*t out of Susanna Hoffs with her seductive eyes looking back and forth. I personally would love to rape the whole band except for the girl playing the bass. She scares the hell out of me. I will leave her raping to a more desperate Egyptian!”
Here’s the Bangle’s “Walk Like an Egyptian.” No word if this is how they walk before or after being gang-raped.