In further wussification of the US military, Pentagon
politicians Generals announced a move away from traditional lead bullets (that work) to new “green” ammo that will do less environmental damage. The new green ammo reportedly does less enemy damage, too.
Reported at Fox News:
The new ammunition is notable for being “green” for one thing; it’s lead-free, meaning the new ammo is environmentally friendly, the Army said. The military began providing the lead-free round last June to U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan.
A live-fire demonstration was held Wednesday morning at the post. Soldiers fired the new and old rounds, as well as a third type, to compare the performance of all three on identical targets. The targets included a parked vehicle, steel plates and building materials.
Army officials acknowledged that the M855 “has not been providing the ‘stopping power’ the user would like at engagement ranges less than 150 yards,” according to a 2005 briefing, the Army Times reported last year.
The new “green” ammunition will take a great leap forward in making US soldiers less effective in “bringing to justice” enemy
freedom fighters combatants.
Noted news network AWD Investigations has learned the following:
The effective agents replacing lead in the new “green” ammo is a mixture of potpourri and unicorn tears. (For all you goat-roper alpha male types out there, potpourri is a bunch of mushed up, dried flowers that old ladies like)
Major General Lance Girleman, in defending the new “green” ammo said:
“The Pentagon has done numerous studies involving
freedom fighters enemy combatants in Iraq and Afghanistan. We found that the Taliban and Al Qaeda found traditional lead bullets quite troubling. They insisted that lead bullets created substantial environmental damage to the battlefield. Therefore, the Pentagon spent billions in developing a less lethal but environmentally-friendly ammunition that meets the expectations of our enemies.
As well, we were concerned that
freedom fighters enemy combatants shot with traditional bullets might later suffer from lead poisoning. We find that unacceptable on the modern battlefield. The last thing the Pentagon and American government want is be known for is having a military that not only doesn’t win hearts and minds of the people but leaves foreign battle zones littered with environmentally damaging ammunition.
We learned Al Qaeda and the Taliban were quite satisfied to see us move away from environmentally-damaging lead bullets to the new “green” ammunition comprised of potpourri and unicorn tears.”
With potpourri and unicorn tears prices at an all-time high, the new “green” 5.56 NATO bullets will cost an astonishing $27 per round. Furthermore, active-duty soldiers complained the new “green” ammo did not perform well on the battlefield, often bouncing off of the enemy.
Marine Sergeant Major Richard Leatherneck said:
“Marines don’t need sweet-smelling ammo. We need ammo that will blow Al Qaeda and the Taliban asses straight to Allah! The enemy now laughs at us when the new “green” ammo bounces off their foreheads! Whose side is the Pentagon on?”
General Girleman, in responding to Sgt Major Leatherneck’s comments replied:
“The Pentagon is on the side of the environment! For too long, the US military has ignored the wishes of our enemies and has done extensive damage to Mother Earth. Our data shows that lead bullets, while effective in killing
freedom fighters enemy combatants, has done extensive damage to the environment and played a large role in contributing to global warming. This is not acceptable to the politicians Generals in the Pentagon in the year 2013.
Also, we are getting reports that our gay soldiers (Heyyyyy!), who now proudly serve in America’s armed forces, love the fresh wafting scent mixtures of potpourri in their ammunition!”
Echoing General Girleman’s words, Lance Corporal Glenn Bareback said:
“I can speak for the Fabulous Fighting 69th in saying we find the new “green” ammo simply marvelous! The potpourri in the new ‘green’ ammo leaves a gorgeous scent in combat while the unicorn tears remind us of the sadness of war.
After a tough day on the battlefield, we in the 69th throw a few rounds of 5.56 into our bubblebaths and soak away the stresses of war. The only word I have for the new potpourri and unicorn tear ammo is ‘Ahhhhhhhhhhh.'”
Former Marines are not so happy about the new “green” ammunition, either. A short statement, through a psychic medium, from deceased Marine legend General Chesty Puller: