We don’t discuss sports around these here parts much but AWD wants to weigh in on all this steroid bidness that has sports junkies all worked up in little tizzy fits. Baseball is going to ban a bunch of players who got caught using “performance-enhancing drugs.” To that AWD says, BFD! How many of those sports junkies themselves are eating performance-enhancing drugs like Viagra because they can’t get their man-thing angry anymore? Here’s AWD’s opinion and I’m proud to say it: Baseball is much more interesting when the players are eating steroids! Wanna fight about it?

There, I said it. All you purists can go back to watching the infield grass grow during 1-0 bore-a-thons if you like but AWD likes watching them big juiced-up boys the size of horses jack frozen-ropes 450 feet out of the stadium and into the stratosphere. Hopefully to land on a liberal’s windshield! Oh, that’s right. Liberals don’t like baseball. They’re too busy occupying and pooping in a park or some damn where. Or moisturizing.

Baseball is tedious to watch for most people. I like going to the games a few times a year and having a good conversation about world geo-political dynamics or Hooters while the game sludges on. But by the time the 7th inning stretch rolls around in the 90 degree nighttime Texas heat, I’m about ready to 7th inning strap my big sexy ass into my F150 with the A/C turned up to jet propulsion levels. I guess they could build an indoor stadium but that would be gay.

No, AWD prefers to watch sluggers like Barry Bonds knock baseballs over the Golden Gate bridge and sink boats out in the San Francisco Bay. Who cares if all the steroids he’s taken have made his melon swell to the size of a pumpkin? From hitting all those taters, he has enough money to de-hugify his noggin now that he’s retired. Here’s Bonds when he first entered the Bigs:

Here he is after a steady diet of delicious, nutritious steroids:

You know? It’s not really that bad! Considering.

Boring baseball fans who act like they care about the player’s health oppose steroids because usage shrivels up the male unit and supposedly reduces the cojones to the size of BB’s. Listen, nobody’s holding a gun to these guy’s heads making them snort steroids. And the last thing I’m going to worry about on a daily basis is the size of a baseball player’s juevos! Especially if having BB sized balls makes the baseball player put baseballs into low-Earth orbit and possibly take out a Chinese spy satellite.

Then there are the “baseball purists” aka (“boring-ass turds”) like George Will (the most unfunky man in America) who say steroids give modern players an advantage players in yesteryear didn’t enjoy. Puh-leeeze! Who gives a rat? Certainly not Babe Ruth! He’s as dead as Marco Rubio’s presidential aspirations!

Like Babe Ruth could even make a lebanese girls softball team in 2013. But even Babe Ruth used performance-enhancing drugs in his day. Bourbon and women. Think all those curvy babes back in Ruth’s day would have bedded down with him if he was hitting .150? Hell no, hence the bourbon. So the comparisons between today’s players and players who played 90 years ago are as stupid as the purists making the argument. Hell, AWD could outrun Babe Ruth at his best and I run a 2-day 40!

We all know that professional sports are not really about sport. They’re a bidness. And there was a whole hell of a lot more excitement when Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were racing to see who could hit 1,000 home runs in a game. So let them juice if Major League Boreball wants to see more culos in the seats! Give a million dollar bonus to the first player who totals a car in the parking lot with a frozen-rope homer! Have a few more bench-clearing beat downs to wake up the “purists” snoring their way into the top of the 8th. Hell, put some hot cheerleaders on the sidelines to keep in interesting. But please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t make AWD watch another 1-0 “pitcher’s duel!” Or just wake me for the 7th inning exit!

Just like no sexy womern wants to sleep with a limp noodle, nobody wants to watch a pitcher’s duel where nobody scores. Hell, might as well watch soccer. But that would be gay. The sports nuts raising hell about A-Rod eating performance enhancing steroids are the first to eat Viagra to enhance their own. It’s the same thing, just two fields of play.

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  1. Exactly what do steroids do that enhances the ability of a player to have a better batting average? The last time I played ball, you had to be able to see the ball coming a 90 miles an hour, then have the coordination to get the bat in line with the ball. Certainly muscle power would be of some benefit to get more distance, but I would estimate that muscles only constitute about 20% of the whole process. Steroids don’t help you to see better and don’t help with neuro-muscular control (in fact, they may interfere).

  2. I think they should just get outta the players way. I love watch Refrigerators play on the front line in Pro football. I love watching Bonds almost tear the cover off the ball as it clears the stadium boundaries. It seems ok to legalize all types of liberal dope, and these performance enhancing drugs are ok if your not in sports. Let it rip, GNC, Live Well, Whoo Hoo!

  3. Couldn’t agree more dude. Though I could give a mussy rats ass about pro sports or college or stupid ass olympics or any other bs “sports” as a matter of fact.

    Don’t need roids huntin’ trappin’ fishin’

  4. Steroids in sports??? is there a place for them????

    I don’t know ,but maybe in the case of one of these fighters I may have come in handy ?

    you be the judge.

  5. Really don’t care much for any sports, baseball basketball or football, when I was 6yr old I came down with rheumatoid arthritis, the doc told my mother to not let me play any sports in school because it would be too strenuous on me, my brother’s and sister could play all the sports they wanted so when my sibs stayed after school to practice for their games I would ride the bus home and catch the mule out and plow till dark, Doc didn’t say a damn thing about being worked to death just no sports, I really believe that walking behind that mule for 900 million miles helped me more than any sports could have and that my friends is a true story.

  6. A sport is climbing to the 12,000 foot line, in 20 degree weather, with high wind on an almost vertical slope, and making a 300 yard shot on a better than full curl ram.
    A sport is fighting a 1000+ lb swordfish for over two hours using light tackle, and landing it.
    A sport is killing feral muslim hogs with a spear.

    Winning is knowing you have provided for your family.

    Football, Basketball, Baseball, Soccer, Golf, are children’s games, so power down all the ‘roids you want.

  7. Let them have the ‘roids.
    Then let Pete Rose into the Hall of fame.

    If Baseball were any slower, they would call it Farming.

    When a guy in an Army helmet get’s paid like a guy in a batting helmet;
    I will start watching.

    Until then the Three Stooges will suffice.

  8. Back in the days when Barry Bonds was a Pittsburgh Pirate, I would have to deal with his scrawny-assed bad self a few times a week. He was a jerk, but never had any problems dealing with him as long as we stayed on topic during the interview. Physically, in his pre-steroid days, I could have kicked his butt!

    After he left Pittsburgh, I was shocked when I saw him look like somebody shoved that proverbial air-hose up his posterior orifice….He turned into the Michelin Man with a Louisville Slugger!

  9. Geez, if these guys aren’t man enough to even play baseball without “enhancement” (whoa! what else needs to be enhanced???) let them play tennis.
    I have two words for them and anyone who thinks they’re cool … and it’s not Merry F#ckikng Christmas.



  11. grown men getting paid huge amounts of money to play a kids game…
    got better things to spend my time and $$ on than watching baseball, football,or basketball. i might watch a red wings game twice a year if there’s nothing better anywhere else.

  12. I like to watch Some college football on Saturdays. That’s it, forget the pros. I can’t tell you the last pro anything I watched.

    So sick and tired of the crybaby athletes, the “OMG OMG He’s my HERO” azz kissin’ by the announcers etc etc.

    • Since I know how the games are played I turn off the volume and turn on good classical music, sometimes it syncs.

  13. Something worked great for Brady Anderson, who had a banner year a while back, hitting 50 home runs, while averaging about 17 the rest of his career, never over 25 in any other year. Many noticed extremely enhanced muscularity in Brady, generally a singles hitter, during that very productive year.

  14. They need to increase ticket prices to help these poor abused and misused players attain a living wage. It’s hard to make it on what they pay. Many even have to supplement their earnings with a few multi-million dollar endorsement deals. I used to be a University of Georgia football season (farm club for the NFL) ticket holder years ago. I don’t miss it at all, but sneak a few peeks on television. I buy tickets only to high school games. I still miss watching Pete Maravich. He always gave you a great show.

  15. Viagra is the official performance enhancing drug of the Democratic Party. Filner, Weiner and Gays by them by the Gross.

  16. Chesty Puller says:

    Hey look, baseball is on and..ZZZZZZZzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  17. These over paid prima donnas who are caught using drugs should be banned for life just like the olympics.

  18. Why don’t we also ban aerobic and weight lifting exercises as well. Both of those have been scientifically proven to enhance performance. As Shillary would say, What difference does it make?

    • The difference between a regiment of weight lifting/aerobic exercise and the use of steroids and many other performance enhancing substances, is the fact that it is nearly impossible for the human body to build large volumes of muscle mass over the age of 26. Exercise, training, and protein diet “enhancements” will only allow the body to put on about 15 lbs. of muscle mass per year once the body has reached this age. (info from Dr. Charles Yesalis, Penn State)

      In the case of Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire….These guys went from 180lbs to an inflated 240-250 lbs during an off-season….Physiologically impossible without performance enhancing substances.

  19. Yeah, it is. But I’d still rather watch grass grow.

  20. Will we need asterisks next to Bonds name in the record books?

  21. If players can’t make it on raw talent and hard work, they shouldn’t be in the game. Its about putting on the baseball helmet, stepping up to the plate and gripping the bat for a good swing- not about what drugs will make you better than the other players who aren’t cheating. Where is the integrity of baseball??

    • I agree completely – they need a pharmaceutically-enhanced wing for the Hall of Fame. Kick the steroid users out of the game. Integrity ? Most sports seem to have none. I wonder what Ty Cobb would think of batting helmets today. I support such protective equipment and an amazed there weren’t more tragedies in the old days without modern innovations. Remember the old leather football helmets, offering all the protection of a skull cap ? The unfortunate drug use is a change we could and should have done without.