We don’t discuss sports around these here parts much but AWD wants to weigh in on all this steroid bidness that has sports junkies all worked up in little tizzy fits. Baseball is going to ban a bunch of players who got caught using “performance-enhancing drugs.” To that AWD says, BFD! How many of those sports junkies themselves are eating performance-enhancing drugs like Viagra because they can’t get their man-thing angry anymore? Here’s AWD’s opinion and I’m proud to say it: Baseball is much more interesting when the players are eating steroids! Wanna fight about it?
There, I said it. All you purists can go back to watching the infield grass grow during 1-0 bore-a-thons if you like but AWD likes watching them big juiced-up boys the size of horses jack frozen-ropes 450 feet out of the stadium and into the stratosphere. Hopefully to land on a liberal’s windshield! Oh, that’s right. Liberals don’t like baseball. They’re too busy occupying and pooping in a park or some damn where. Or moisturizing.
Baseball is tedious to watch for most people. I like going to the games a few times a year and having a good conversation about world geo-political dynamics or Hooters while the game sludges on. But by the time the 7th inning stretch rolls around in the 90 degree nighttime Texas heat, I’m about ready to 7th inning strap my big sexy ass into my F150 with the A/C turned up to jet propulsion levels. I guess they could build an indoor stadium but that would be gay.
No, AWD prefers to watch sluggers like Barry Bonds knock baseballs over the Golden Gate bridge and sink boats out in the San Francisco Bay. Who cares if all the steroids he’s taken have made his melon swell to the size of a pumpkin? From hitting all those taters, he has enough money to de-hugify his noggin now that he’s retired. Here’s Bonds when he first entered the Bigs:
Here he is after a steady diet of delicious, nutritious steroids:
You know? It’s not really that bad! Considering.
Boring baseball fans who act like they care about the player’s health oppose steroids because usage shrivels up the male unit and supposedly reduces the cojones to the size of BB’s. Listen, nobody’s holding a gun to these guy’s heads making them snort steroids. And the last thing I’m going to worry about on a daily basis is the size of a baseball player’s juevos! Especially if having BB sized balls makes the baseball player put baseballs into low-Earth orbit and possibly take out a Chinese spy satellite.
Then there are the “baseball purists” aka (“boring-ass turds”) like George Will (the most unfunky man in America) who say steroids give modern players an advantage players in yesteryear didn’t enjoy. Puh-leeeze! Who gives a rat? Certainly not Babe Ruth! He’s as dead as Marco Rubio’s presidential aspirations!
Like Babe Ruth could even make a lebanese girls softball team in 2013. But even Babe Ruth used performance-enhancing drugs in his day. Bourbon and women. Think all those curvy babes back in Ruth’s day would have bedded down with him if he was hitting .150? Hell no, hence the bourbon. So the comparisons between today’s players and players who played 90 years ago are as stupid as the purists making the argument. Hell, AWD could outrun Babe Ruth at his best and I run a 2-day 40!
We all know that professional sports are not really about sport. They’re a bidness. And there was a whole hell of a lot more excitement when Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were racing to see who could hit 1,000 home runs in a game. So let them juice if Major League Boreball wants to see more culos in the seats! Give a million dollar bonus to the first player who totals a car in the parking lot with a frozen-rope homer! Have a few more bench-clearing beat downs to wake up the “purists” snoring their way into the top of the 8th. Hell, put some hot cheerleaders on the sidelines to keep in interesting. But please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t make AWD watch another 1-0 “pitcher’s duel!” Or just wake me for the 7th inning exit!
Just like no sexy womern wants to sleep with a limp noodle, nobody wants to watch a pitcher’s duel where nobody scores. Hell, might as well watch soccer. But that would be gay. The sports nuts raising hell about A-Rod eating performance enhancing steroids are the first to eat Viagra to enhance their own. It’s the same thing, just two fields of play.