American Premier Barack Hussein Obamaski told the American people this week that unemployment payments (i.e. paying people to not work) actually creates jobs. If this is true (which I’m sure it is since Obama said it), why the hell am I working? Because I’m still stupid enough to drag my big sexy ass out of bed at the crack of ten every morning to drone away working for the man and utilizing my executive brilliance skills to plan where I’ll go to lunch? I never realized I’m part of the problem! By working at a real job and paying sh*tloads of taxes, I am killing American jobs! Must be that white privilege!
Just think of the jobs AWD could create if he was on unemployment! I could hang out with my fellow unemployed compadres doing all the stuff we could never do because we were trapped in the system working for the man? Hell, just think how many jobs would be created if every working American quit their jobs and started receiving unemployment payments! And by receiving 99 weeks of funemployment payments, who wants to work anyway?
Oh sure, I realize there are still those greedy Americans on unemployment who believe they should destroy job creation by getting a job. They just don’t get it! They are in it for themselves!
Those still working must be those greedy 1%ers who don’t care for the 99%ers who get paid for doing nothing! Well, the unemployed do have to go to the mailbox every couple weeks for their unemployment check. Nobody in America should have to suffer that kind of humiliation! Maybe the unemployed should form a union so they wouldn’t have to actually go to the mailbox! Oh, that’s right! They have direct deposit these days! That’s good! Wouldn’t want them to have to exert themselves and kill more jobs by going out and actually having to walk to the mailbox! Not to mention actually having to open it and then walk back to the house before Oprah comes on.
But those job-killing jobs are jobs Americans don’t want to do! And why should they work at jobs doing things they don’t want to do when they can get free money for doing nothing and create more jobs in the process? That’s why illegal aliens have invaded America. They are doing jobs Americans don’t want to or don’t have to do anymore thanks to our generous government and our brilliant President and his welfare programs! Isn’t America great?
So AWD is getting on the Obama train first thing Monday morning! I’m marching into my bosses big-ass corner office and telling him I’m not playing his greedy games anymore! I’m not going to be part of his system! I’m going to create American jobs from now on! And I’ll do that by sitting around bitching about how greedy and evil those rich people with jobs are! After all, getting something for nothing is the new American way!
In fact, I’m gonna tell my boss I don’t need his charity! I’m gonna throw my job on the ground! I don’t need your handouts and I’m definitely not part of his system! Maaaaaannn!