Dear The Powers That Be,
Allow me to first apologize in advance for taking up your precious time with something that might ultimately prove to be a waste of it. I recognize that I am an insignificant non-entity who shouldn’t even be seen, let alone heard, but I am writing in the hopes that I might ultimately spare you some of your invaluable time and effort down the road.
See, I understand that this nation of ours is rich in resources and wealth, and that you, being our moral and intellectual superiors, want—and deserve—to possess all of it. I also understand that you want—and, again, deserve—to be in total control of it—along with all the little people who tend to it. I understand this.
I also understand that people like me—i.e., we who have a natural preference for autonomy and self-rule—are not only an impediment standing in the way of what is rightfully yours, but, additionally, we’re also a supremely grotesque specter and highly offensive to the delicate sensibilities of people as morally and intellectually superior as you yourselves are. I understand how horribly fair-skinned we are; how ugly our variegated eye and hair color are; how embarrassingly stuck on outmoded morality and silly religious superstitions we are; and, worst of all, how we prefer the company of our own.
I understand how truly odious this is, this preference for us to be with people like ourselves. For people like us are terrible, terrible people! Certainly only a terrible people would want to keep the company of terrible people, correct? Which is why you are right to prefer the company of people like yourselves—because you are awesome in every dimension. It only makes sense that a morally and intellectually superior people like you prefer to keep company with their own, and why you wouldn’t want to associate with us rabble.
I understand this.
And so I fully understand why you want to get rid of us. And I agree—we’re ugly and stupid and racist and evil and the world would be perfect were it not for us, so, naturally, we should go away.
Now clearly you have enacted a program of ethnic cleansing throughout every white nation. Again, this is laudable as we’re the sole source of all evil in the world (a “cancer upon the world”, if you will). My only question is this: Do you intend to completely exterminate us, or might you be so kind as to allow us to exist in isolated form on, say, reservations of some sort?
Of course it’s no bother if you wish to exterminate us; I gladly accept this fate and heartily endorse it since, without us, Utopia can finally be achieved on a global scale because, again (and not to belabor the point), we’re the sole source of evil and racism and hatred and ethnocentrism and homophobia and Islamophobia and nativism and xenophobia and backwards religiosity in the world. So if this is your plan, by all means, continue apace. Why, I’ll even lie down and die for you if you’d prefer!
However, if you intend on quarantining us on reservations, I’d like to know where, exactly, we’re to be kept—if it wouldn’t be too much to ask. See, I’ve been laid off due to my place of employment trying to avoid paying Obamacare fees; my house has been foreclosed on since I could no longer afford the inflated mortgage that I got at the height of the housing bubble (and I couldn’t refinance since I wasn’t poor enough or black enough); and, lastly, my family has just recently been raped, tortured, and murdered by a gang of urban youths (which they wholly deserved since, you know, they’re white—ergo racist and evil). Now I don’t mean to bore you with the insignificant details of my life; I just wanted to make the point that now’s a perfect time for me to relocate on my own without you having to force me to move later on down the road. I figure I could spare you some time and effort should you be so generous as to deign it worthy of your time to respond to me.
Thank you for your time in reading this letter and considering my inquiry. Again, I applaud everything you are doing to my vile, evil race. If there’s any aspect of the ethnic cleansing I might be able to assist with, please don’t hesitate to ask. I understand that I may not be worth squat, but I can certainly try to be of some value by helping purge the face of the earth of my own people.
oh, just watch TV and pretend it’s not happening? Done!