Metrosexual males like to read “mens magazines” to learn how men act manly. If you have to read a magazine to try and find out how to be a man, you’re doing it all wrong, junior. Metrosexuals (translation: homosexuals in a metro) trying to be real men are what some might call “cute.” Of course, those calling metrosexuals cute are other metrosexuals. Real men have other names for the little prisses.
AWD recently saw this article on Yahoo titled “9 Things a Man Secretly Wants in Your Bedroom” when I was going to check my email account. It’s written by some metrosexual tool named Aaron Traister who likes to pretend he’s a man by writing what he believes real men would say and do. The sad thing is this article could have just as easily been writing by some feminazi lebanese womern with all the liberal male stereotypical claptrap it contains. I can’t decide if he’s trying to be funny or serious. Either way, it’s “cute” to the you-know-whos and “pathetic” to the rest of us!
Traister opens his article with this:
“You know me, I’m always looking for new ways to prove my masculinity. I never miss an opportunity to show off my manhood. So when it came time to tear up the floors and redesign the second floor of my house, which includes our bedroom, I did what any hot-blooded man’s man would do, I went looking for decorating ideas on Pinterest.
I was crushing a vintage décor board when I noticed something I liked had been pinned with a tag that read “masculine bedroom.” I was, to quote my favorite rap song from the late nineties, “like whoa.” Then, I discovered that lots of people had used the tag “masculine bedroom.” All this time, and I had never thought of my bedroom as masculine or feminine. Really, it was just a place to throw dirty laundry on the floor and drool on my pillow and/or wife. How could I have been so careless with a chance to display my Y chromosome? I don’t need a lot in life, but I definitely need a masculine bedroom.”
He was “crushing” a vintage decor board. How “cute.” I guaran-damn-tee you this cat has seen an angry one up close. Also, looking for anything on Pinterest is not what a man’s man would do. It’s what a woman’s woman does. Did you find any good tips for changing your tampon? My lowly assistant at work goes to Pinterest to find recipes for cookies and shit, not how to be a man or how to decorate her @#&* bedroom!
My guess is guns “scare” this Traister guy, too. And you better believe he voted for Hussein.
Here’s what Traister found on Pinterest to help him decorate a “manly” bedroom:
“Color is an essential part of making your bedroom unique to you. With that in mind, masculine bedrooms are gray. Individuality is for hippies. Real men like gray rooms because it reminds us of dead fish and our cubicles at work.”
Again, is he trying to be funny here? Real men like gray rooms because it reminds us of dead fish? Huh? I do believe him when he says gray reminds him of his cubicle at work where he’s most likely an Administrative Assistant to his female boss. Maybe they moisturize together at lunch when he’s not picking up her dry cleaning.
Regular art is too soft for a truly masculine bedroom. If you’re weak and need some sort of visual stimulation to “liven up” your gray-walled revitalization chamber, then examples of typography are acceptable. Typography is an art form–someone did have to design those letters-but any traces of the humanity behind those sterile fonts are hidden behind layers of technical drawing and cold, calculated design. It’s like a robot made of flesh designed those letters, but then again real men are just like robots made of flesh. If you’re really soft and need some sort of figurative art, make sure that it’s black and white. Colorful art is strictly verboten in a masculine bedroom.”
AWD must admit I don’t know what Typography is. Probably because I don’t read Pinterest. But I do have a very beautiful impressionist painting from some Russian artist on my wall for which I paid $1000 18 years ago because it’s beautiful and I like the way the colors look when the light hits it at various times of the day. Does that make AWD not a “man’s man?” Well, maybe my AR with the 30 round Magpul in my bedroom’s corner does! And I didn’t even need Pinterest to show me the feng shui of how to artistically and masculinely place it there! Oh, and guns don’t scare me.
“Do: Animal Imagery
Antlers and skulls are totally acceptable wall décor for obvious reasons. First of all, maybe you killed that animal yourself, which is totally alpha. Even if you didn’t personally slay the mighty beast, antlers and skulls prove that you’re comfortable with the reality that life is fleeting, and your time on Earth is finite. Eternity is gray and full of bones of the departed, just like your bedroom because you understand and do not fear mortality, just like a real man should.”
AWD doesn’t have any mounts on my walls because I would only mount something if it was Pope & Young or Boone & Crockett. Look them up, Traister. But AWD actually hunts and eat what I kill. I don’t hunt because it makes me feel “manly” to some metrosexual poofters but because I enjoy the time in the woods with my sons and friends. Going pig hunting with my son tomorrow and, with luck, will be smoking up some fresh, natural pork next weekend. Does that make me an “alpha?” I don’t give a rat. It makes me a good dad who spends time with my son teaching him what my father taught me and his father taught him. You don’t find those traditions on some Pinterest board!
He goes on:
“Do: Exposed Pipes
They’re cool and industrial. Also: phallic-shaped.”
I was waiting for this guy to come around to talking about the man thang! Cool and industrial exposed pipes? This tool has never lived outside Manhattan or some other blue state hellhole filled to the gills with wussified idjits like him. Real houses where real men live don’t have exposed pipes to remind the inhabitant of penises. But AWD’s bedroom/boudoir has a lot of exposing of a certain pipe. Ask the little filly.
Now this poofter gets around to the Don’ts:
“Don’t: Photos of Loved Ones
Remember: Real men don’t have loved ones, they have “dependent acquaintances;” people for whom they are in charge of providing clothing, shelter, and protection. They are like your employees. You wouldn’t hang a picture of Lars from shipping in your office, so why would you want a picture of Noah from your wife’s uterus hanging in your bedroom?
Don’t: Color, Sunshine, and Warmth
These frivolities have no place in a real man’s room. A real man knows his bedroom is really just a practice coffin.”
Does this Traister actually have children? Or has he even practiced how children are procreated? With a woman, I mean? If he does and they’re boys, they’re doomed to a world of douchebaggery. AWD has photos of his children, parents and loved ones all over his house. I’m proud of my kids and love looking at their photos at various stages of their precious lives. My children are not my “employees.” I’m their dad and it’s my job to provide for them and make them feel loved. This guy is starting to piss me off.
This article is what passes for manhood in testosterone deprived areas of America these days. Pinterest, Esquire and GQ Magazines post articles on how some metrosexual/homosexual fool thinks men should act. They post articles titled “Women We Love” when they would be better titled “Women We Wish We Were.” The wussification of America is in full swing. Don’t believe me? Just look at the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania!
There’s a big difference between acting like a man and acting like you believe a man should act. Especially when those telling you how to act are metrosexual tools. If you have to act, you’re missing it. Like I said, I can’t figure out if this Traister guy is trying to be funny or serious. Either way, he’s simply pathetic.
Hey Traister, want to learn how to be a man? Read this blog. We’ll shoot you straight.
Here’s the difference between you and AWD. You have Pinterest. I have Texas. I win.