A Pennsylvania 16 year old yoot stabbed 22 students at a local high school this week. His motive? He was feeling guilty about his white privilege. His weapons? Two semi-automatic kitchen knives with a full steel tang and ergonomic military plastic handles. There have been many other vicious stabbings throughout America’s violent, knife-loving history. The time has come for every American to ask themselves, “do we really need the Ginsu?”

Liberal legal experts have rightly pointed out that the right to own kitchen cutlery is not protected under the Constitution. And, as such, must be regulated by the federal government. Really, is there any difference between a knife and nuclear weapon? Americans don’t need to personally own nuclear weapons so why would they need a kitchen knife?

Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said:

“How many vicious stabbings of our children do we have to see to realize that the violent kitchen knife culture in America is out of control? Once again we see how unregulated knives have made their way into the wrong hands and our children are paying the price.

No one in America needs a knife with a military-designed point and sharpness that will cut human flesh. This is 19th century thinking. There are many other common kitchen items that can be used in place of deadly sharpened knives that serve only one purpose…to kill. Oh, and yes, spread butter.

Americans must examine if their selfish ownership of kitchen knives is costing innocent lives? Aren’t their other items that can replace these instruments of death? For example, that old pocket calculator you have in your junk drawer in the kitchen could easily spread butter on your morning toast instead of a knife. Or you could use your fingers provided they have been sanitized to EPA and USDA standards. There are thousands of easy substitutes for these killing machines if we as Americans only have the guts to find them.

But there are times we realize a real knife must be used. Like in carving the Fall or Winter Festival turkey. Therefore, I am submitting HR 1776 which will require a federal license for any individual to own kitchen knives and other sharpened tools. After extensive training by the Department of Homeland Security, those who prove a need for cutlery will undergo a full psychiatric exam followed by a full criminal history check performed by the FBI. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms will make periodic unannounced inspections of the dwelling of knife license holders to ensure their cutlery is locked away properly.

Senate Leader Harry Reid is joining me in calling a ban on imports of knives used commonly for cutting like the Ginsu and other cheap, Saturday Night Special knives from China. We are also asking President Obama to create the Department of Cutlery And Edged Tools to eventually enforce and oversee all backgrounding, examinations, inspections, regulations, taxation, and enforcement of all knife and cutlery laws.

While Republicans will no doubt scoff at these common-sense measures to ensure safety for our children, Democrats are once again leading in the cause to keep Americans safe.”

Other measures being considered by Democrats is making America a “Knife-Free Zone” and making it illegal for anyone to own pointed objects like pencils, sticks, fishing poles, paper clips, broken glass, and nipples.

Recently exiled Englishter Piers Morgan said:

“Once again we see the violence that perpetuates American culture! I only wish the young man had used a semi-automatic assault rifle with a 30 round clip…which no one really needs!

I’m very glad to be leaving the violent American shores and returning to the peaceful streets of Englandistan.”

Local knife confiscation centers are being organized by the Department of Homeland Security. all kitchen cutlery and sharpened objects will be collected. That includes scissors. Yes, even the little dull kindergarten scissors, McVeigh!

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  1. “From My Cold Dead Hands”. Keep for hands off my sharp edges.

  2. Spurwing Plover says:

    Okay lets see a 15 day waiting period lets see someone sue the makers lets see some pinhead demacrat write a bill to ban all ginsues

  3. AWD if knives are banned how the hell am I supposed to make those cute little Radish Roses for my parties.

  4. AWd,
    does this include Lars pointy stick of truth …and how will i cut the cheese ?


  5. Spurwing Plover says:

    If he had used a gun the media vultures would be circling over the area for days and the media sharks would have their usial feeding frenzie and Bloomberg,Cuomo,Obama and the rest of them would be calling for more stupid gun control laws BUT LETS JUST LISTEN T THE CRICKETS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND CHILDREN OF ALL AGES

  6. Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a blonde from California)
    confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip
    to the Lone Star State:

    1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
    2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo.
    3. And she wanted to have sex with a local cowboy.

    Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
    ‘Let me tell you, they have a bush down there called a
    Mesquite and when they slow cook the brisket over that
    wood, it’s ooooh so good! The taste is unbelievable!’

    ‘And I went to a real rodeo – Talk about athletes!
    Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses
    at a full gallop, then jump off their horses
    and grab the bull by the horns and throw em to the
    ground – It’s just incredible!’

    Then came the big question, ‘Well tell us….did you have
    sex with a real cowboy?!?’ ‘Are you kidding? When I saw
    the size of the condoms they carry in their back pockets,
    no way in hell was I gonna have sex with a
    freakin cowboy from Texas!”

  7. Seems funny… Until you look at Australia and Britain. You are not allowed knives like we are.
    A few months ago I was reading their laws, and I was shocked. You could be busted for a pocket knife.

    • Same in NYC; you could get arrested for a knife, screwdriver, probably anything. Once you’re in the gray bar hotel, they’ll figure out what to charge you with later.

      You know a screwdriver is a concealed weapon, or a burglary tool in NYC.

      • jose emanuel says:

        Baltimore has the same stupid law.Anyway does the ban include forks because, they also have a deadly point? and of course this means using a plastic spork because Americans aren’t to be trusted with sharp objects.

  8. GrimmCreeper says:

    It’s time we had a national conversation about kitchen utensils.

    • jose emanuel says:

      I would feel so much safer walking the streets of Balto. knowing the yo’s couldn’t get there hands on a ginsu knife.There wouldn’t be anymore yo’s throwing knives out of car windows driving by.Innocent bystanders wouldn’t be cut but, of course there is always the black market, thus making it harder for the law abiding citizen to own one for normal everyday kitchen duties.

  9. Cooter Brown says:

    Where is the Penis Morgan when you need him….

  10. I draw the line at pointy nipples being illegal. I have heard of eyes being poked out though.

  11. Retired Superhero says:

    Well everyone, we came close to another possible school shooting and this one was too close to home for me. I live in the normally sleepy town of Warrensburg, Missouri and a senior at the high school killed himself with some type of long-gun (the police haven’t released a lot of details). The scary part is that before he did it, he was sitting in his car in the school parking lot where two of my kids attend. School workers saw him with the gun and immediately called police and locked the school down. They believe he noticed this and left the school before the cops arrived. They quickly found him driving through town and when he pulled over, he offed himself. I have not been able to stop thinking about what he was doing at the school with the bun and what he was originally thinking of doing.
    I’m sorry, but even though my boys are teenagers in high school, they got huge hugs from me today. I’m just thankful that the school staff was so alert and on the ball. I would be more thankful if there was someone at the school that could have been armed in case the kid tried to get in or started to shoot up the school.

    AWD, I’m no poet, but if you want to use this story as a whole or in conjunction with another topic, to make or accent a point, feel free.

    PS: RIP Ultimate Warrior…..Always Believe!

  12. Mr. Rational says:

    I usually don’t read the by-lines before I dig into the article, but as soon as I came to this:

    “How many vicious stabbings of our children do we have to see to realize that the violent kitchen knife culture in America is out of control?”

    … I knew it was AWD.

    Still grinnin’, dude.  Rock on!

    • jose emanuel says:

      Eric holder and his technology team are now working on the ginsu bracelet.When put on it detects the motion of the knife thrashing in a violent manner or cutting tomatoes.When thrashing f.b.i. agents storm your house and dis arm the person yielding the deadly weapon so no further harm is inflicted on you or any other person.

  13. We must enact common sense knife control. If we can save just one penis!

    On Monday night, police were called to a home in Garden Grove, Calif., over a “medical emergency.” Which it indeed was! According to the cops, Catherine Kieu Becker, age 48, had drugged her husband, tied him up, and cut off his penis. And then put it in the garbage disposal and turned it on.

  14. Here’s a good knife story AWD.

  15. Swell, so I suppose when Lars and I open our Old Testament Amusement Park I’ll have to have have a “Jawbone of an Ass”- free zone.
    It will have to go over by the ‘Pillar of Fiery Hot Wings’ stand, because the Parting The Red Sea Swimmin’ Hole will have crocodiles in it, and people are going to need to have something (to rent at the concession stand) to defend themselves.

  16. AWD not too sure what to make of this. Either the guys wife is sending him a message or wants him to eat more fruit.

  17. Angry White Boss says:

    I could easily see this as being a real story. Easy. It’s not real though, right? Right?!? 😛

  18. I am sure that right now in the bowels of the democratic/commie party there are some swishy democrats trying to forge a bill that will control knives. In fact this bill with cover all sharp and pointy things. Everything in the US that needs to be cut and fabricated, from paper to steel, will now have to be sent to China to have it done and sent back to us. You need to trim those old jeans? Send them to “Ling’s Trim shop”, 1121 Red Victory street, Hunan China. They will have scissors. Need to be cut open for an appendectomy? They will drug you, send you to China, cut you open there, drug you again and send you back for the operation. You know….Americans can’t be trusted with sharp objects. It will be called the ‘School Stab bill”. Obama will sign it as soon as it gets to his desk.