You heard it here first. In an effort to combat fake news, acclaimed blogger Angry White Dude plans to purchase the New York Times. AWD said in a press release:
“The New York Times is the worldwide leader in journalistic sh*t. All leftist, idiotic claptrap indoctrination starts with the New York Times and flows down to other worthless propagandist organizations like CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC, and Fox News. That sh*t ain’t right and I plan on immediately stopping all fake news by purchasing the New York Times.
Oh, and I heard the New York Times is filled to the gills with Yankees. No wonder it’s a cluster you-know-what! AWD’s experience is nothing good comes from large areas of concentrated Yankees. Nothing. Need proof? New York. I rest my case.
So AWD plans to buy the New York Times from the owner, some Mezcan guy named Carlos Slim. Say no more. Here’s a photo of Carlos Slim:
Ain’t a damn thing Slim about that burrito munching Pee-dro! And he owns (at least for another day or two) the New York Times? No wonder the place is a manicomio (nut house).
The New York Times subscription rates and advertising have been falling faster than Hillary after a three-day drunk and a campaign speech and Slim is spending money like a Democrat (go figure) trying to keep that rat-infested disaster zone floating. AWD smells a business opportunity.
Nobody wants to read fake news! They want the truth! They can handle the truth! And that’s all AWD will provide when I own the New York Times. Right now, it’s nothing but a bunch of left-wing, beta-male, half-a-sissy wussy boys who couldn’t piss and hit the ground and hairy lebanese women writing sh*t nobody wants to read but other hairy lebanese wildebeests. Rule number one: Give the people what they want! And that is exactly what AWD will do when I own the New York Times.
Here are some changes I’ll make day one.
Front Page – Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader of the Day! Now that’s hard news everyone wants to read! Even the hairy lebanese ex-writers whose worthless asses AWD will fire before the ink on the deal is dry want to read about Tiffini’s favorite hobbies. And how Brittani chose the name “Mr Mittens” for her kitty cat. I get tingles just thinking about hard hitting news like that!
Below the fold – Articles on guns, knives, and flashlights. Oh, and fire trucks. Interesting real news on the most recent developments on Ken Onion CRKT knife designs and Ken’s plans to keep inflation low. And articles on the latest Magpul 30-round mags and how they relate to Middle East peace. And which is the best gun to buy to piss off a liberal. And how many lumens should your flashlight have to effectively blind an attacker before you put your Smith M&P .380 up his nostril and free him from a life of crime?
Section B – I don’t know if there is a Section B in the New York Times because who reads that sh*t anyway? But I’m going to have a Section B which will include articles on Music That Doesn’t Suck and Libtarded PC commercials that do indeed suck hugely. Most of the Music That Doesn’t Suck will be Texas Country like Dale Watson and not that Trashville crap from that skinny goat roper Tim McGraw. Because in every Yankee, there’s a Texan wanting to escape. AWD’s goal is to Make America Texas!
I won’t go into other intricate plans but pretty much the New York Times will have much of the same stuff as Angry White Dude. Because AWD just hates him some fake news! And I love me some guns, knives, flashlights, fire trucks, and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. And America needs hard news like AWD is going to offer!
All I know is the New York Times is going to stop sucking very soon. Fake news bastids!