In the continuing saga of writers block and being too damn lazy to hunt something up to bitch about, AWD has pulled from past posts for the reading and educational pleasure of our newer dudes and dudettes. As you know, the Big Sexy loves him some science. And, in this period of post-racial America, where a full-out race war appears to be the goal of Obama, AWD is proud to reveal his Congolese descent. I will try to put up something new and quasi-interesting tomorrow. For now, I’m going to the Wal-Mart in my hoodie! Hakuna Matata!
I know this is shocking! AWD can hardly believe it himself! But through extensive genealogical research costing millions of Obama money, the Big Sexy has discovered family ties that run all the way to the Dark Continent. No, not Detroit! I’m talking Africa! The Congo. You know, Hakuna Matata and taking machetes to the enemies in the nearest tribe, bones in the nose and all that! I guess that describes those strange feelings I get every now and then to burn down Ft. Worth! AWD previously believed he was Scotch/Irish being from the South. But I would sometimes find myself daydreaming of one day making it back to my homeland, Mother Africa! It was a subtle feeling telling me I was an African American! A totally different culture! My peoples were stolen from our homeland by evil crackas and now I demand my freedom from the white man! And reparations…with interest, of course. And, yes, I will be celebrating Kwanzaa, haters!
So from now on, AWD will stand for African White Dude. I will not hide who I am anymore! I’m an African! I will say it loud! I’m Congolese and proud! I will root for Congo in the Olympics…if they have anyone there. I will play the congos and give up the white man’s guitar! I am Congo and Congo is me!!! With a little bit of Ecuador, too.
In an unrelated story, The Herald Sun of Australia has published a study that reports the average penis size for every country in the world. Who would have ever thought there would have been such a difference? Except those little yellow dickless varmints in Asia! You might be surprised at the findings. According to the study, scientists have discovered the countries with men who have the largest penis size are:
You pitiful American men are way down the list from us mighty Africans with the Congolese Constrictors! Americans average a teeny weeny 5.1 inches while us Congolese are packing 7.1!! It’s about the only thing you crackas haven’t taken from us brothas! Funny thing is nobody measured the AWD but word must be getting around from my single days.
If any readers here are fuzzy little foreigners, here is an interactive map that will tell you where you measure up, so to speak. But it will pale in comparison to the baby arms dangling in the loin cloths of us proud Congolese warriors!
Another report was released by the AWD Institute of Real Manliness that studied the strange phenomena of some American men who are born with, but over time, have their testicles disappear. The phenomena occurs mainly in the Republican party and after the subject has been elected to public office. Strange.
So there you have it. Genealogy and science and AWD having a big unit! Please join with me in listening to the Congo National Anthem as we celebrate finally being first in anything except machete killing our neighbors and burning down their villages.