Brownshirts, Red's Corner, Troll of the Week

Backwater Insecurity Syndrome


Hipster Douchebag
Says it all.

Let’s say you’re from a nameless town in some flyover state (or, God help you, from some province in America Jr. [they’re all flyover, so the qualifier would be redundant]) in the middle of East Bumblefark. But you feel like you wanna do more; gotsta be more. I mean, you’re this big, super-smart, über-talented fish in a tiny little backwater of a pond, amirite? What’s a hip bro like you to do?

Well, fear not, little fella! All you’ve got to do to assuage that nagging feeling of insecurity is to swear your allegiance to the Liberal Establishment!

And what better way to prove you’re not some bitter clinger (read: ignorant, hate-filled, neo-Nazi, racist, xenophobic, natavist, homophobic, Islamophobic, bible-thumping, tinfoil-hat-wearing, fat, ugly, stupid, inbred hick) than to express your individuality and brilliant, morally- and intellectually-superior mind via your very own sense of style!

So to start, here’s a helpful guide to empower you to be a free-thinking, self-expressing winner via a style that’s all your own!

How to be a Hipster
Hipster Self-Expression Guide

Also, be sure to have an ironic detachment from everything. It’s so much easier to pretend not to give a sh*t about anything than it is to actually take ownership of and responsibility for your beliefs! I mean, courage is so passé, intit? Yes, better to just to make sure everyone knows you are too cool to give a f***.

Cool—just like a good adolescent should be!

Next, get yourself a Mac! No self-respecting hipster would dare work on (read: know how to operate) a PC with its all confusing Linux or, God-forbid, evil-mongering Microsoft Windows!

Say Hello to Your New Macbook
Hello, Macbook!

And lastly, endlessly berate conservatives, whites, and Christians! What kind of brownshirt do you think you’d make if you’re not going to sacrifice your life to perpetually (in between jam sessions, of course) harassing and humiliating the enemies of Utopia? (I mean, if it weren’t for them, everything would be perfect by now!)

So there you go, script-kiddies. Don’t say I never did nuthin fer ya. Now go on 4chan and tell all your anonymous friends how cool you are! And how big of losers all your friends and family are who still stick to their oh-so-pathetic little small-town ways!

Syndicated Advice Columnist




  1. Swamp Music

    Bravo!! An ironic beard? What about the kids who are wearing those Buddy Holly type glasses with no lenses in them? WTF is that all about?

    In my day, the ‘PBR’ was for us townie types, you know young rednecks in training. My landlord has a Mac. The first thing out of his mouth when he got it was, ‘Macs don’t get viruses.’ Whoop… dee… doo.

    I really like the hipster self-expression guide. I see those people everywhere here. But now Red, I have a fairly good collection of keys on one of those carabiner thingies on my back pack. I’m not the best dressed, and I kind of don’t give a shit about much. Is it possible I could be confused as an Hipster? I mean tooling around on my mountain bike and drinking the occasional cafe mocha.

    I hope not. Anyway, very funny post. I needed that.

  2. Red, your post reminds me of this song by Ben Folds, “The Battle of Who Could Care Less.”


  3. Red…

    Kewl…I’m still chucklin’ here after I got done LMAO first.

    Your brilliance put in only the way you can is priceless at times ~ tonight is one of them for this ol’ redneck from podunk nowheresville!

  4. Inagada Davida

    Red- this also relates to your last couple of posts, I’ve been trying to think how to express it. I’ll try to now.

    Comic- two guys standing in front of what looks like Pablo Picasso painted a chicken, Flyover glances over at Elitist.

    [Flyover] (thought bubble) Man, that guy is SO COOL! I bet he gets a lot of play!

    Next panel, Elitist glances back at Flyover:

    [Elitist] “It’s really amazing, how the artist conveys his ideas. This totally shows the struggle of the Proletariat, and his struggle to find his identity in a world dominated by….

    [Flyover] “My thoughts exactly! The transformation in it is unreal!”

    Next panel, both look back at the painting.

    [Flyover] (thought bubble) Dang, I thought it looked like a chicken.

    [Elitist] (thought bubble) Dang, I must be doing something right. I hope he doesn’t realize, it looks like a chicken to me!

  5. Red, good post. The transition from hick to chic wouldn’t be complete without an update to the old glossary. Here’s a reference chart, just needs to be used in reverse. Oldspeak on the right, newspeak on the left.

    Hope and change, down with the 1%, free condoms.

  6. Bloodless Coup

    Sheriff Joe on Obama Investigation: Worse Than Watergate; Biggest Media Blackout in History

  7. Hey Red the guy looks pretty Shariah compliant. Just gotta replace the vans with a pair of birkenstocks and he’ll be good to go. Lord knows he probably smells like a goat already too.

  8. You forgot “Once you go Mac, you never go back.” 🙂
    This post is quite chuckleworthy, even though I own a Mac Mini, hate Starbucks coffee and both my kids own MacBooks. However, my daughter attends a university where virtually all the males look like the guys in the illustrations above— she finds it totally disgusting. My son is 6’3″, about 220 lbs, loves to hunt and fish, and is currently interviewing for entry to Vet school. We don’t fit the profile above, thank God… but we DO love our Macs!
    Great post, Red. 🙂

    • the friendly grizzly

      Same here about the Macs. As for beards, mine is hardly “ironic”. Mine fits me; I look like a mix of “Business-Viking” and “human grizzly”.

  9. Right on the money Red! Those hipsters are pretty much beyond redemption. That is, until they get robbed at gunpoint, their girlfriend gets gangraped by a pack of ghetto dwellers or they make some money and realize that it’s not pleasant to have someone else spend it.

    In my job, I am around that type frequently. They spew the liberal hogwash and rarely look at the other side of the equation. They have never read anything except People magazine or Mother Jones. The one’s I work with are nice enough fellows, but they are terrified to think outside of the liberal box they exist in. And yes, they all have iphones and macbooks and consider anyone who doesn’t, comically retarded.
    (Composed on my Android phone)

  10. Bloodless Coup

    The President now claims that he has the power to arrest, detain, and even kill American Citizen’s without due process.

    In addition, he claims that he does not need the approval of Congress to go to war.

    Is this true?

    The answer is HELL NO.

    It does not matter how many bogus bills the Communist Infiltrators sign or how many times they make these outrageous claims.

    The US Constitution explicitly prohibits this type of Government tyranny.

    Don’t believe their claims for one second.

    These claims are unconstitutional and are therefore a gross violation of our inalienable rights.

  11. Red…

    I have to assume that the young man working on the house next door has not received his trust fund check. The dude looks the part in all other ways. Reformed, and not out of the old clothes yet?

    The caricature must have had his I-Phone “borrowed” by another comrade. Thanks for the humor, I needed it.

  12. the friendly grizzly

    My question is: how many of our troops will go along with this? I know the brass will because once they hit General or Admiral, they are politicians, not soldiers/sailors.

  13. I don’t appreciate your smug little comment regarding Canada. You yanks have such a superiourist attitude towards foreigners you’re like Romans for god’s sake. I’ll be laughing when the n***** barbarians eat you alive…

    • Arthur…

      Just so you know, AWD doesn’t allow the N or F word here. Please keep that in mind when you comment or your post won’t get to the board.


      • Got it, sorry about the indignant rage comment. I’m just a fiercely patriotic Canuck is all, I’m sure you understand. Other than that your article was excellent as usual. Anyhow I’ll go back to lurking.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *