Let’s say you’re from a nameless town in some flyover state (or, God help you, from some province in America Jr. [they’re all flyover, so the qualifier would be redundant]) in the middle of East Bumblefark. But you feel like you wanna do more; gotsta be more. I mean, you’re this big, super-smart, über-talented fish in a tiny little backwater of a pond, amirite? What’s a hip bro like you to do?
Well, fear not, little fella! All you’ve got to do to assuage that nagging feeling of insecurity is to swear your allegiance to the Liberal Establishment!
And what better way to prove you’re not some bitter clinger (read: ignorant, hate-filled, neo-Nazi, racist, xenophobic, natavist, homophobic, Islamophobic, bible-thumping, tinfoil-hat-wearing, fat, ugly, stupid, inbred hick) than to express your individuality and brilliant, morally- and intellectually-superior mind via your very own sense of style!
So to start, here’s a helpful guide to empower you to be a free-thinking, self-expressing winner via a style that’s all your own!
Also, be sure to have an ironic detachment from everything. It’s so much easier to pretend not to give a sh*t about anything than it is to actually take ownership of and responsibility for your beliefs! I mean, courage is so passé, intit? Yes, better to just to make sure everyone knows you are too cool to give a f***.
Cool—just like a good adolescent should be!
Next, get yourself a Mac! No self-respecting hipster would dare work on (read: know how to operate) a PC with its all confusing Linux or, God-forbid, evil-mongering Microsoft Windows!
And lastly, endlessly berate conservatives, whites, and Christians! What kind of brownshirt do you think you’d make if you’re not going to sacrifice your life to perpetually (in between jam sessions, of course) harassing and humiliating the enemies of Utopia? (I mean, if it weren’t for them, everything would be perfect by now!)
So there you go, script-kiddies. Don’t say I never did nuthin fer ya. Now go on 4chan and tell all your anonymous friends how cool you are! And how big of losers all your friends and family are who still stick to their oh-so-pathetic little small-town ways!
Syndicated Advice Columnist