Black History Minute


It’s that time of year again when we pretend blacks have done things of import.

So for the next 28 days we will be seeing even more black faces in advertisements, movies, plays, TV shows, Google Doodles, and random stock photography on business web pages than we typically see in the other 11 months of the year. Which must be getting increasingly difficult as it seems that blacks already comprise about 98% of the visages we see in the aforementioned media.

Here’s today’s Google Doodle:

What–you didn’t know African Americans invented the Renaissance? Better check your privilege.

Of course, this black-o-centrism is really nothing new for Google, since most of their Doodle’s go something like this:

That was their Doodle for Veteran’s Day 2016. What, you think white people had anything to do with winning our wars? Think again, goyim. We lost every war we entered into until we finally let all the People of Color™ run the show. Since then, we’ve totally won every war we’ve fought.

Disney recently came out with a movie called “Hidden Figures” about how some black women were critical to the success of the Apollo missions. This was “based on a true story”.

Let’s keep in mind what “based on a true story” in Hollywood-speak means. For example, the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” was based on a true story. What was the story? Somewhere in Texas, some guy murdered some girl. Not with a chainsaw while wearing a human skin mask or anything, but just the fact that a murder once took place was enough for the producers to feel confident enough to say their fiction was “based on a true story”. (Also, remember “Fargo” was “based on a true story”…which was an intentional lie by the Coen brothers, presumably to mock the gullibility of the average movie consumer.)

Anyway, the “true story” that “Hidden Figures” was based on was that there were a handful of light-skinned octoroon women who did some rote math for the Apollo missions–a fraction of the dozens of such low-end hires serving in huge teams required to make sure all calculations were 100% correct in this get-it-right-or-die-a-horrible-death mission. And their evil, racist, Effing White Male ™ boss had to be invented out of whole cloth for the movie, because it wouldn’t be as guilt-inducing if we knew the truth–i.e., that they were actually treated kindly and generously by their white male bosses IRL.

Oh, and ever heard of this Broadway play called “Hamilton”? I heard it’s great. Totally not cultural appropriation to pretend all the founding fathers were non-whites, and totally not racist to have the only bad guy in the play be a white guy. I totally want to see it. Lin-Manuel Miranda is, like, a genius. No, I’m not an cucked-out ethnomasochist at all, why do you ask?

The fact of the matter is that blacks are generally stupid and violent only because we oppress them with our Institutional Racism™ and Microaggressions™ and White Privilege™. If we simply all pretend blacks did all these amazing things that white people actually did, and make them feel “represented” in our media (by totally dominating it), it will make them feel better about themselves. This, in turn, will bring out their latent genius and civility, and put them on par with–no! will allow them to surpass!–us whites.

No, seriously, it will. It’s science. Don’t you read Bill Nye, The Science Guy? Why are you so anti-science, you racist?

Back in reality, let’s be clear: Black History Month is about pretending blacks did things they really didn’t–or that the things they did are far more important than they really are–ostensibly because these fictions will somehow empower them to achieve things they really can’t, but in actuality because doing all this allows Disingenuous White Liberals to pretend they embrace something they really don’t: “Diversity”.


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