After two weeks of hard, sweaty, sexual rehabilitation, San Diego Mayor Bob ‘Filthy’ Filner has emerged stimulated and ready for action. Upon returning to office, Filner said his first priority is to discuss new ideas on the penal code with his all-female staff. Mayor Filner also plans to discuss offshore drilling with his staff during moonlight cruises on his private boat, the “Deep Float.” But the Mayor has not given up dreams of generating new power for the city by laying new cable throughout San Diego. Clearly, Mayor Filner is hard-pressed to show his commitment to San Diego.

After exiting the William Jefferson Clinton Sexual Rehabilitation and Massage Center, Mayor Filner said:

“What an exciting two weeks this has been. I want to thank the staff at the Clinton Sexual Rehabilitation and Massage Center for the fantastic, hands-on instruction helping me overcome my problem. I’m happy to report that I’m all better now!

The nurses were extremely attentive and professional and turned this experience from something that was at first uncomfortable to something that has resulted in a happy ending. Actually, several happy endings. Kudos to the former President and his all-female staff. Especially nurses Alexis and Bambi. In the afterglow of my treatment, I can honestly say that President Clinton’s staff is exquisite!

While the accusations of sexual harrassment by former, and ugly, female staff have kept me from performing my mayoral duties, I am fully prepared to slide right back into things and work hard, long hours for the citizens of San Diego. Especially the female citizens. After all, don’t they need hands-on attention from their elected officials? As always, I will continue to have an open-door policy for any female citizen of San Diego during normal hours. If needed, we can finish our conversations over a nice, quiet dinner. Because Bob Filner cares! Have I mentioned I have a boat?”

Not everyone is excited about Filner’s return. The entire San Diego City Council has called for his resignation. They said in a statement:

“We are shocked by his conduct and his lack of respect for women, his employees, and the office he holds. Mr. Filner, without further delay we insist you resign and allow the healing of our city to begin.”

But Mayor Filner is defiant about remaining in office.

“Haven’t I suffered enough? Two weeks in sex rehab and all the negative press about me? The City Council doesn’t know Bob Filner! Bob Filner will not quit! Bob Filner is a winner! And I promise to discuss new, exciting ideas with my staff about the penal code and lengthening the penal process. I’m real excited about my staff taking a real close look at my penal code ideas.

Bob Filner will personally supervise new, deep, offshore drilling with selected female San Diego environmentally-concerned citizens on my personal boat at my own expense! I will even personally provide the necessary provisions like wine, rope and duct tape. And Bob Filner will take matters into his own hands in laying new cable throughout San Diego that will benefit all female San Diegans. Why do I do these things? Because Bob Filner cares!”

After the completion of his sex rehabilitation, Filner’s star is rising rapidly in the Democrat Party. Many have called for him to run for Governor. Current California Governor Jerry Brown, while a liberal freakazoid, doesn’t have the same sexually perverted credentials as Filner.

However, rumors persist that Filner has already been contacted by the Democrat National Committee about possibly running as the Democrat nominee for President in ’16. With his congressional and mayoral experience, being ultra-liberal, as well as having the morals of a drunken Mezcan, many power-brokers in the DNC see Filner as the next Bill Clinton.

Responding to questions from reporters concerning his future after San Diego, a tight-lipped Filner said:

“We’ll have to see what comes.”


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