Angry White Dude hates DirecTV! Actually, the word “hate” is too kind for my feelings about DirecTV! DirecTV is to customer service and satisfaction what the Islam is to civilization. What Bill Clinton is to chastity. What Hillary Clinton is to heterosexuality. What John Boehner is to testosterone. You get the picture.

I had gotten rid of satellite/cable a few years ago because I hardly ever watch TV. If I do, it’s usually a movie that I can watch over the internet on NetFlix. But my youngest Angry White Son moved in with me about a year ago and loves NFL football having been a great football player himself. Because AWD loves his kids more than his sanity, I signed up for DirecTV because they were giving away the NFL Experience for a two year commitment.

Recently, AWSon bought a 60 inch HDTV for his room and needed a DirecTV box. So yesterday, AWD spent 30 minutes on the phone with DirecTV robots and customer service to order a box. Just a box. After waiting for 20 minutes on hold, I finally got to speak with a human being. I told her what we needed and she signed me up for a box and charged me $75 for the service call to install it. @#&*! $75 to plug in a box with one cable!!! But I was happy because they told me my contract wouldn’t have to be extended. I want to get rid of DirecTV as soon as possible and have 14 months left on my plan. The extortionists at DirecTV make you sign up for a new two year agreement every time you make a change or add something to your account. So other than the $75, no blood. Yet.

This morning, the service guy named Pee-dro arrived to install the box. He said in a thick accent “I’m here to install a standard box.” I showed him to my son’s room and left him to his installation. A few minutes later he announced he was finished. I showed him to the door and headed to the gym to work on maintaining my supa-sexy, chiseled hard body. When I got back, my kid said the picture on the TV sucks and he wondered if something was wrong with the TV. So I called the Pee-dro and asked him what the problem could be. He said, “you ordered the standard box and not a HD box so the picture won’t be as good.” This is where AWD becomes the evil AWD.

I said, “didn’t you think something was wrong when you installed a standard box to a 60 inch HDTV?” He said “I asked you if it was the standard box you wanted.” I replied, “I thought you meant standard HD box! How the hell am I supposed to know what types of boxes DirecTV has?! A paper thin 60 inch HDTV should have tipped you off that we didn’t want an analog box!” I asked him if he would come over and put in a HD box. He told me he couldn’t and I’d have to call the 800 number and order the correct box.

I’d rather cut out my spleen and eat it with a spoon than have to talk to computers and sit on hold waiting for a human at @#&* DirecTV! However, being the ever good father, I dialed DirecTV knowing what BS I was in for! The call lasted 34 minutes! 34 minutes plus 30 minutes the day before of my life that I’ll never get back. The cheerful female DirecTV human apologized numerous times and told me she “understood that I was frustrated.” I’m sure they’re trained to say those things to calm the volcanic fire from DirecTV customers on the other end!

I told her about them sending me the wrong box. She put me on hold for several minutes and apparently listened to the recording of my call the day before where I had to agree to the costs and changes to my plan. She said “you agreed to the standard box.” I said, “are you @#&*ing crazy? I assumed you meant a standard HD box! Who the hell has an analog TV anymore?! Even so, shouldn’t DirectTV say, “Mr AWD, do you want the standard ANALOG box or do you want a newfangled #$*&ing HDTV box? Wouldn’t that be the prudent question to ask before completing the order?” She said, “I understand your frustration.” By this time I was inventing cuss words to describe my feelings about @#*& DirecTV. I said, “you have no @#&*ing way of under-@#&*ing-standing my @#*&ing feelings for Direc-@#&*ing-TV at this @#&*ing moment!”

After spending 20 minutes listening to the DirecTV human click on her keyboard while apologizing because her computer was slow (why are the computers of customer service droids ALWAYS slow?) the order had to be finalized with the same Moron Department who finalized the standard box yesterday. So I listened to another thick accent reading some incomprehensible legalese about my new agreement. Now I MUST AGREE TO A NEW TWO YEAR AREEMENT WITH DIRECTV TO GET A HD BOX! I said, “Whoa! I don’t want another two year agreement with DirectTV. I hate DirecTV more than Barack F#*&ing Obama!” I was informed that without accepting a two year agreement f@#*ing DirecTV would not send me a HD box! I crap you negative!!!! So now my kid will have spent $1000 on a TV that we can’t get HD service for if I don’t agree to DirecTV’s extortion! Being a good dad, I agreed and accepted the $150 upgrade charge for the new box. Now I’m locked into those morons for another two years just because we needed a HD box!

DirecTV, their customer service and extortionist practices sucks! I’m talking hugely sucking! Not only are they incompetent, they are extortionists who keep you locked into their BS service by forcing you to extend your agreement every time you make a change to your plan! The only company in the world I despise more is Paypal. I would write epistles about Paypal and their shittiness but my heart would likely explode in a million pieces of hatred towards the most evil/corrupt company ever created!

My kid probably won’t even live with me in two years but I’ll be stuck with DirecF***ingTV! They’ll probably force me into another two year agreement to cancel the service! If DirecTV was on fire, I would piss gasoline on them! I hate DirecTV and caution anyone who doesn’t want to be extorted into their ridiculous service and overpriced plans to stay away! It’s 300 channels of nothing! If DirecTV was people it would be Muslims! I hate you DirecTV!

UPDATE: As I was ready to publish this rant, I received a call from DirecTV Quality Assurance to ask about my satisfaction with my installation. Oh boy! I gave DirecTV the lowest possible satisfaction ratings possible and then ranted to the QA person. They gave me free movies for 90 days. Whoopty-freakin’-do! I hate you DirecTV!


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