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FROM DUST THOU ART AND TO DUST YOU SHALT BE A BIG FAT BUFFORILLA!

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GO AHEAD! EAT THAT BURGER!

Know what makes y’all fat? Other than all those Sara Lee frozen cheese cake you throw down your throat every morning at 2 am? Dust. That’s right. Common dust from yo crib. I crap you negative.

According to the Englishter newspaper The Telegraph:

A pioneering study in the US revealed that normal house dust is capable of carrying hormone-altering chemicals that prompt cells in the body to accumulate fat.

Experiments found that even small amounts of dust, which can be inhaled, ingested or absorbed through the skin, were enough to provoke the effect.

I’ll tell y’all one damn thang. My big ass ain’t got a chance! There’s two things in this world that AWD hates and they are both vacuuming! And all this time I thought it was eating all those Walmart All Meat Super Pizzas in a setting that was making me look like a big ol’ buffalo!

The article continues:

The dust particles were found to contain endocrine-disrupting chemicals (EDCs), synthetic or naturally occurring compounds that can interfere with or mimic the body’s hormones.

These include flame retardants in sofas and carpets, as well as phthalates, substances added to plastics to increase their flexibility.

Endocrine-disrupting chemicals! Ooooh. Sounds nasty! One damn thing ye olde Big Sexy hates is some damn chemical disrupting my big ol’ endocrines! And making me fat to boost! Sh*t ain’t right I tell ya!

How much dust do it take to make yo ass big enough for its own Congressman?

Dr Heather Stapleton, another of the researchers, said: “This suggests that the mixture of these chemicals in house dust is promoting the accumulation of triglycerides and fat cells.”

“Amounts of dust as low as 3 micrograms – well below the mass of dust that children are exposed to daily – caused measurable effects.”

The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has previously estimated that children consume 50 milligrams of house dust each day.

3 micrograms? Shee-ut! AWD’s Casa de Amor has 3 kilograms of dust in his kitchen alone! Because my sexy damn girlfriend filly won’t clean for sh*t when she’s over! Actually, I think she just tracks in more damn dust to make me look like a bigger version of Jabba the Hutt!

I’m telling y’all. The deck’s stacked against us. If it ain’t the Russians hacking my damn life apart and Global Warming putting polar bears in my backyard or White Privilege putting me above all minorities and holding their asses down, it’s dust making me fat!

This is the science I can do without!

What someone needs to do is invent a dust that makes you skinny! It can’t be that hard to do. Just put some anti-damn-glutens in some dust and spread that sh*t around the house. And leave out the carbs! I don’t understand this sh*t at all.

One thing I do know is that if AWD likes it, it ain’t good for you. And if I do, it will make your ass fat! I guess the next scientific study will prove that looking at my Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader calendar will give me cancer! I don’t know about that. But I do know that trying to sneak into the Cowboy Cheerleaders locker room will get you a restraining order! Sh*t ain’t right!

AWD was thinking about joining a gym recently. But the gym is probably filled with dust and my ass will only get fatter while I’m blobbing along on some damn hamster treadmill! Why work out if I’m only going to get fatter? But I’ll be OK. If it weren’t for riding my Harley and bowling I’d be in terrible shape.

Dust! And all this time I thought it was cheese cake and glutens!

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