Everybody knows those little fuzzy foreigners over in Europistan are strange cats. What freaky deaky sex-ule sh*t California and Nueva Jork don’t come up with, you can bet one of those Pierres in France or Ians in England will!
The latest thang over in England, other than being gang-raped by ‘refugees’ from Pok-eee-stahn is to freeze your balls with vaporized liquid nitrogen to enhance your flippy floppy experience. Since this is coming from England, you can be pretty damn sure there’s a hair ‘stylist’ named Bruce involved.
For those unscientific goat ropers out there, liquid nitrogen is the second coldest thing ever measured. Right behind Hillary Clinton’s heart. If you’ve ever been out pig hunting when it’s cold enough to freeze your cojones off, those Englishters have you beat. The nitrogen vapor can reach temperatures of -256 degrees in the Fahrenheit! AWD loves pig hunting but those furry sumbitches (pigs, not Englishters) could move into my bedroom before I exposed my tingly parts to -256 degrees! And this procedure is available to the ladies too.
Don’t get me wrong, AWD is no schoolboy when it comes to the language and practice of love, baybah. I’ve used all sorts of sensual essential oils…even WD-40 and some Royal Purple 5-20 I had left over from changing the oil on my F150…to enhance the love experience with the little Filly. Hell, we even worked in an old Holley carb I had laying around the garage once. Don’t ask. Strangely, now she wants to get it on every time I stop for gasoline!
Never have we had the thought come to us, “hey, we need to freeze our tingly parts!” Ain’t natural. I’m not sure the Man upstairs would approve of this. I know damn well John Wayne wouldn’t. And AWD has always made it a practice to never do anything that I could not envision John Wayne doing. In pubic and in the bedroom/boudoir. OK, maybe the carburetor was stretching things. I’m pretty sure the Man upstairs is still a little sideways with me over that.
According to Heatst.com:
They claim: “when the sub-zero temperature covers the skin, the sudden drop in heat stimulates the temperature receptors” and improve your sex drive, per The Sun.
“While the skin continues to feel the ‘freeze’ the body sends signals back and forth to the brain,” the spa claims. “These messengers tell the brain if there is damage to the tissues, to repair them.”
“It’s this that along with the instant endorphin level energy boost and natural high, generates a tighter, youthful, clear and vibrant genital skin appearance through boosting collagen.”
The procedure causes blood vessels to undergo “vasoconstriction.” It’s what happens when your blood vessels are constricted and your blood pressure increases, and is usually caused by exposure to extreme cold. Consumption of a variety of narcotic substances, including caffeine, cocaine and amphetamines can cause the body to have the same reaction.
Well hell, then why not drink some coffee, smoke some cocaine and eat some amphetamines instead of bluing your balls?
Heatst goes on to say:
Additionally, OB/GYN Dr. Jen Gunter states that freezing your genitals with liquid nitrogen will induce cryonecrosis. It’s as bad as it sounds—it’s frostbite. The process damages skin tissue, deadens nerve cells, and induces pain. Don’t do this.
Frostbite on your old fella? This is something so stupid, only a fuzzy little Englishter could come up with such stupidity. And y’all are going to Hell, by the way.
Note: I just got to the end of the Heatst.com article and saw the author of this idiocy is named…I crap you negative…Ian Miles Cheong. I guess he’s trying to emulate ye olde yours truly, Miles Long.
Lord only knows what those Englishters will come up with next! Maybe pouring pancake syrup on their weiners and sticking them down a red ant hill. Or wearing a vagina on their head. Oops! That’s an American invention. Sorry, Englishters, you’re too late!
Has this world gone all to Hell? Am I the only sane person left? I know, I know, the carburetor. Can’t a guy get out of line at least once?
We haven’t had Music That Doesn’t Suck in a while and this is as appropriate a song I can think up for this post: