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GOV CUOMO: NEW GUN LAW WILL REQUIRE KILLERS TO RELOAD IN SLOW MOTION

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"I CARE! I REALLY DO!"

Citizens of the Empire State, I humbly come before you this evening to announce a new law designed to protect you from gunmen armed with automatic assault rifles with those thingies you put the high-capacity bullets into. This new law will help keep our citizens safe from the plague of assault rifles. We do this because we’re Democrats. We care.

But first, I want to admit that, in our haste to protect you, last month we enacted a law that was unrealistic. When we created the law banning those thingies you put the bullets into, we banned all of those thingies from holding more than 7 bullets. To our chagrin, we later found that 7-round thingies that you put bullets into are not manufactured anywhere in the world. The law banning 7+ round thingies is not really our fault as no elected Democrat in the State of New York has ever held a gun. However, I did see the first Rambo movie. Still, the law was a pretty good law because it showed that we care. Because we’re Democrats.

The purpose behind the law limiting the number of bullets you can put in those thingies that you put bullets into your gun with was to prevent a gunman from having thousands of rounds in his gun without having to reload. Nearly unlimited bullets allows gunmen to kill thousands without having to reload. If you ever watched the A-Team, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Easy access to high capacity bullet thingies is what causes millions of gun deaths in America each year. Yes, we were overzealous in our first thingie law. But we know the people of New York elected us to come up with solutions and not excuses. Because we care. We’re Democrats.

There has been much debate in the Democrat caucus about allowing New Yorkers to keep their 10-round thingies (that actually exist….I think) that hold the bullets in guns but only allowing 8.5 bullets into said thingie. This plan was finally shelved because of the negative environmental aspects that could arise from cutting bullets in half. The current law has been amended to allow 10-round thingies that hold the bullets in guns but New Yorkers will be allowed to load only 7 rounds.

Tonight, I am also very proud to announce a new law that was just passed by the legislature that will force gunmen committing a crime with an assault rifle to reload their thingies that hold the bullets in the gun in slow motion. This will give the innocent victims time to run, call the police, or dial our new New York Hotline to turn in the murderer for not following New York gun laws.

Any murderer caught reloading his thingie that holds the bullets on his assault rifle faster than 30 seconds will be charged with a Class A misdemeanor and will be subject to up to 100 hours of community service. Any citizen who is not in the act of committing murder caught reloading the thingie on his gun in less than 30 seconds will be charged with a Class A felony and will face a fine up to $1 million and possible life in prison without parole. Why this new law? Because we’re Democrats. We care.

As your Governor, and with the generous help from President Obama in the form of a federal grant, I am also very happy to announce a plan designed to get high-capacity thingies off the streets. It’s called Cash For Clips (I’m now being told “clips” are the thingies that hold bullets I’ve been telling you about) and will offer cash, condoms or clean drug needles to any New Yorker turning in a thingie clip to your local police department where it can be destroyed. You can also win cash rewards for turning in your friends, family, co-workers, etc who are in possession of these high-capacity clip thingies.

We are making great strides in keeping New Yorkers safe from the senseless gun violence that takes place millions of times daily in New York. But that is why you sent us to Albany. You wanted actions and not words. And that’s what we’re delivering to you! Because we’re Democrats. We really care.

Yours truly,

Governor Andrew Cuomo

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16 Comments

  1. Spurwing Plover

    Cuomo needs to toe of a boot applied to his backside right clean out of america and he can Take Obama lt,kerry,Bloomberg and the rest of the demac-RAT party with him

    • I wonder if the little libtard checks the guns of his body guards, his security people, and the guard at the gate of his gated community he live is to see if their guns comply with his stupid edict.? Of course,…he thinks he is part of the ruling class therefore his life is more important than ours (sarcasm).

  2. Cuomo….what a dumbass.

    Doesn’t he now that if everyone removes three caps from dey gats the weight imbalance alone would probly cause the country to tip to the west and cause disparate impact flooding in California, unless they time it just right and command the homies there to do the same thing to balance it out and once again save all our sorry asses in fly over from having to wear our frankenstien boot on one foot.

  3. Spurwing Plover

    Andrew Cuomo a stupid blabbering nincompoop and poltroon a brain the size of a pea and his middle name should be STUPID He certianly would make a new Disney Villian

  4. Cuomo and his ilk are unconstitutional. That means they and their policies do not jive with the constitution so their policies are illegal and they are criminals. He should be dragged out of his office and brought directly to a dungeon somewhere to live the remainder of his sickening little life. The right to bear arms is sacrosanct, it is the key to keeping the constitution alive. Our forefathers knew their would be pieces of excrement like Cuomo and Obama that would want to take our guns. When our right to guns are taken the constitution will fall. Guns and the ability to use them by the populace keeps these fools in Washington D.C. wondering how for they can go. Politicians want power. Add socialism to the mix and you have politicians who want to be dictators. It has always been so. We patriots of America must not only keep our weapons…..but make sure the trash in Washington know we will use them.

    • carnac 123

      Cuomo and his ilk (d’himicrats) don’t give a rat’s ass about any dang constitution……it’s just a document that keeps getting in their way………….

      most of these d’himicrats like Cuomo would rather use the constitution to wipe their ass after relieving themselves than read it

  5. Spurwing Plover

    This is the same arrogant pomious old peacock who said Conservatives and Christians were no longer welcome well whats needed is for him to be tarred and feathered load this jerk into a giant cannon and fire him over to the European(Soviet)Union and delcared a enemy of america just like with Obama the demac-RAT party and the entire Useless Nations

  6. These Politicians are truly dumb asses. The scary thing is, the dimwitted smucks who keep electing these idiots.

  7. Spurwing Plover

    Just as bad as the former head worm of the Big Rotten Apple(Micheal Bloomberg)who like all leftists liberal scumball’s total’y rejects the U.S. Constitution and want to make themselves as Emporers over america. Liberals please dont make this old shorebird angry

  8. QuartierLeBlanc

    It’s been said that Cuomo is the first openly retarded governor of a state. I have reason to doubt this statement. NY is losing population and jobs because of its Democratic leadership. They also intend to empty upstate of every conservative they can by destroying jobs and raising taxes.

  9. I don’t know if to laugh or cry….a killer is going to load his gun “in slow motion”….to think Cuomo though about running for President!!! Plus all the other idiocy in his speech. This is one reason I am moving from NYS.

  10. Appreciate great sarcasm, AWD. You should turn this into a youtube video. It would be guaranteed to go viral.

    Tip: Find one of those realistic rubber masks that look like Cuomo and wear it while you do a satirical news conference on TV, announcing this new law.

    For an added touch of humor, you could have little windows embedded over your shoulder and hire some ghetto gang bangers to simulate how the new law would work.

  11. Spurwing Plover

    When this stubborn Jackass Cuomo wont listen to you its time to try a suggestion from a quaker farmer said to his stubborn n mule I’LL NEITHER CURE THEE OR REVILE THEE BUT I WILL TWIST THY TAIL and this jackass needs to have his tail twisted

  12. Spurwing Plover

    Cuomos brain has been shrinking since he is a liberal soon he’ll have no brain as all becuase it will be too small it will dissapear

  13. on another note…..It’s safe to say Cuomo is in Obongo’s camp….supports him and the other d’himicrat criminals like Hildabeast and Bernie the Bolshevik………

    this could apply to any of one of these “hates America first” crowd……….

    https://www.facebook.com/MyConservativeAmerica/photos/a.510647772331687.1073741828.510642832332181/1035822019814257/?type=3&theater

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