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GOV CUOMO: NEW GUN LAW WILL REQUIRE KILLERS TO RELOAD IN SLOW MOTION

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"I CARE! I REALLY DO!"

Citizens of the Empire State, I humbly come before you this evening to announce a new law designed to protect you from gunmen armed with automatic assault rifles with those thingies you put the high-capacity bullets into. This new law will help keep our citizens safe from the plague of assault rifles. We do this because we’re Democrats. We care.

But first, I want to admit that, in our haste to protect you, last month we enacted a law that was unrealistic. When we created the law banning those thingies you put the bullets into, we banned all of those thingies from holding more than 7 bullets. To our chagrin, we later found that 7-round thingies that you put bullets into are not manufactured anywhere in the world. The law banning 7+ round thingies is not really our fault as no elected Democrat in the State of New York has ever held a gun. However, I did see the first Rambo movie. Still, the law was a pretty good law because it showed that we care. Because we’re Democrats.

The purpose behind the law limiting the number of bullets you can put in those thingies that you put bullets into your gun with was to prevent a gunman from having thousands of rounds in his gun without having to reload. Nearly unlimited bullets allows gunmen to kill thousands without having to reload. If you ever watched the A-Team, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Easy access to high capacity bullet thingies is what causes millions of gun deaths in America each year. Yes, we were overzealous in our first thingie law. But we know the people of New York elected us to come up with solutions and not excuses. Because we care. We’re Democrats.

There has been much debate in the Democrat caucus about allowing New Yorkers to keep their 10-round thingies (that actually exist….I think) that hold the bullets in guns but only allowing 8.5 bullets into said thingie. This plan was finally shelved because of the negative environmental aspects that could arise from cutting bullets in half. The current law has been amended to allow 10-round thingies that hold the bullets in guns but New Yorkers will be allowed to load only 7 rounds.

Tonight, I am also very proud to announce a new law that was just passed by the legislature that will force gunmen committing a crime with an assault rifle to reload their thingies that hold the bullets in the gun in slow motion. This will give the innocent victims time to run, call the police, or dial our new New York Hotline to turn in the murderer for not following New York gun laws.

Any murderer caught reloading his thingie that holds the bullets on his assault rifle faster than 30 seconds will be charged with a Class A misdemeanor and will be subject to up to 100 hours of community service. Any citizen who is not in the act of committing murder caught reloading the thingie on his gun in less than 30 seconds will be charged with a Class A felony and will face a fine up to $1 million and possible life in prison without parole. Why this new law? Because we’re Democrats. We care.

As your Governor, and with the generous help from President Obama in the form of a federal grant, I am also very happy to announce a plan designed to get high-capacity thingies off the streets. It’s called Cash For Clips (I’m now being told “clips” are the thingies that hold bullets I’ve been telling you about) and will offer cash, condoms or clean drug needles to any New Yorker turning in a thingie clip to your local police department where it can be destroyed. You can also win cash rewards for turning in your friends, family, co-workers, etc who are in possession of these high-capacity clip thingies.

We are making great strides in keeping New Yorkers safe from the senseless gun violence that takes place millions of times daily in New York. But that is why you sent us to Albany. You wanted actions and not words. And that’s what we’re delivering to you! Because we’re Democrats. We really care.

Yours truly,

Governor Andrew Cuomo

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