Pray with me.
I know we’ve been a little sideways for a while. But it’s not my fault! You just had to go and put all them commandments in place. Wasn’t my idea! All yours, Big Guy! Now, I don’t have a problem with most of the top ten commandments. I haven’t killed anybody. Yet. And I don’t have a problem stealing or….well, I can’t remember any of those other commandments but I’m pretty sure I’m OK with them too.
I admit that AWD had the morals of a drunk Mezcan post divorce a few years ago but even you can’t really blame me? Have you ever seen the fillies that live in Dallas? Well, of course you have but probably not out honky-tonkin’ and such. If you didn’t want AWD to get all worked up, why did you invent tight jeans and cowboy boots for women? No American man outside of San Francisco or Nueva Jork could resist that! Or Chapel Hill! Again, it was you. Not me.
So tonight, I’m willing to forget about all those commandments there is NO way AWD can keep and call it even if you’ll do one thing for ye olde Big Sexy:
PLEASE MAKE THOSE @#*& BLUE SCUMBELLY COMM-A-NISTS FROM CAROLINA LOSE TONIGHT!
I know you hate UNC. Hell, we all do! Carolina hates free speech, guns, Christians, and pick up trucks. Their students are those little gay guys who ride bicycles all over the road in their little gay bicycle costumes with their little gay fingerless gloves and gay little bicycle shoes and gay little bicycle helmets and those gay little pants that make them look like gay little poofters! And Carolina students must sign a contract that says they will be Democrats and hate America. Lord, I know that pisses you off greatly!
But tonight is a big night and I’m not sure Villanova has the horses to beat those cheatin’ ass bastids from UNC-CHeat! We need some divine intervention to put a big ol’ whammy on the Tar Holes!
You gotta understand how important this is to half of North Carolina. We’d gladly pull for ISIS or Iran over the Tar Holes. We like ISIS and Iran better.
If you grant this little prayer of defeat for Carolina, AWD will promise to abandon my sinful ways of chasing women. For a while, anyway. But you have to admit a little while of keeping the commandments is better than none at all, yes?
Well, OK then! Make Villanova win and I’m all yours for a few weeks. Or days.