It’s warming up and time for saddling up on your scooter. AWD rides quite a bit. Know this. If you drive a car when I’m on my Harley, I hate your guts! Because you are going to try and kill me. It’s my job to get inside your little mushy brain and figure out how and when you will try and kill me.

AWD and the Filly are making the pilgrimage to Sturgis this August. I went in 2015. We will worship at the Mecca of Motorcycles and do what we infidels who ride bikes do. I don’t think Allah will approve. And I really care, anyways! Anyone going up there, let me know.

A good friend of mine who was once a motorcycle cop told me there are two basic car drivers when it comes to riding motorcycles:

1. Those who don’t see you
2. Those who want to kill you

Riding a bike is much different than driving a car because one must constantly think on a motorcycle. This eliminates about 95% of drivers in America from riding a motorcycle. As bad as people drive, they compound their poor skills by texting and other destructive habits! As well as being on the flat left end of the Bell Curve.

Motorcycle riders have to constantly watch and play “what if?” while trying to have escape routes to steer to safety should that @#&* minivan suddenly swerve into your lane (which it will). Mini van drivers, however, can drive, text, talk on the phone, and put on makeup simultaneously without worrying too much about the damage they may cause by their activities. You can wreck a car and be OK. Crash on a bike and you’re going to get hurt.

AWD has been taking mental notes on the drivers to stay clear of if you happen to be out riding your sled. I’ve come up with a threat matrix for motorcycle riders. There is no particular order to these and I’m sure I’ll step on a lot of toes if a reader happens to drive one of these makes. Or is one of these ethnic groups. BFD! Maybe it will make you start paying more attention to motorcycle riders. So here goes:

  • Volvos – AWD’s brother (who races motorcycles) says that people buy the safest car on the road for a reason. I agree. Usually middle age or older people drive Volvos so their mental faculties have gone to crap. Plus, they are probably listening to NPR. And smoking a pipe. And asleep. AWD got run over by a woman-driven Volvo last July. Luckily, the damage was just cosmetic because her illegal U-turn took place at 20 mph.
  • Audis – Audi drivers are assholes. I guess if there’s an “Asshole Magazine,” Audi has the centerfold ad. You can bet that if there is a car swerving all over the road driving dangerously fast in congested traffic, it will be most likely be some Audi jerk! They have no concern for anyone else on the road. I hate all Audi drivers and go out of my way to stay far from them!
  • Mini vans – Mini van drivers speak for themselves. I will curse Lee Iacocca through the eternities for inventing these boxes of death on wheels! You can’t see around them and mini-van drivers apparently can’t see through the windshield.
  • Muscle Cars – Mustangs, Camaros, Chargers, etc. Usually driven by a young white male with something to prove. And that something to prove is they are a moron who likes to go real fast and crash into things. These guys never drive the speed limit. And they are not bright. They usually end up donating organs.
  • Cars with temporary tags – I don’t know what it is, maybe they haven’t figured out how to drive that ’04 Taurus but drivers with paper tags are a disaster zone going somewhere to run over something.
  • SUV’s – most are driven by moms with a little more style than mini van driving moms. They are packed with kids and too large for a small mom to drive. She can’t see the road or what’s around her. Nor does she care. Couple that with a surgically implanted iPhone attached to her melon bitching about her husband to her tennis girlfriend and she will flat run your ass over. And probably keep going.
  • Chinese – Dayum, dayum, DAYUM! There’s a reason those little bug humpers over there have ridden bicycles for millions of years. Driving and Chinese go together like Hillary and Top Secret emails! And Chinese are everywhere these days! Like the old joke goes: Know how to blind a Chinese person? Put a windshield in front of their face! Chinese immigrants should be made to drive rickshaws on back roads in exchange for entry into the USA. 
  • Illegal aliens – Look for the ’04 Taurus with a missing bumper and windows made of duck taped plastic and you’re coming up on an illegal. Since most illegals in America come from the uneducated outbacks of the Third World, they have no idea of traffic laws and/or driving rules and/or courtesy. If you see a 1984 EconoVan with ladders strapped all over it, watch out, rider! Pee-dro and his compadres are slow-clogging up the fast lane while drinking a six pack or two of cerveza after painting a few hundred apartments that day. You are in great peril! I have seen three hit and runs in the past 2 years with illegals at the wheel. Almost as bad as Chinese drivers. But Chinese have newer cars.
  • The Old Man In The Hat – AAAAAHHHHH! He will generally have a bumper sticker that says “Let Me Tell You About My Grandchildren” on his Buick or Crown Victoria. Well, you can walk beside him while he tells you about his grands and great-grands because he will never exceed 10 mph! And his old man hat wearing ass will be firmly attached to the fast lane!
  • The Old Lady In The Buick – Same damn thing. Except worse.
  • Muslims – AWD has yet to pass someone wearing a diaper on their head that is not texting or talking on their cell phone. They may be communicating coordinates for a mortar attack or something, I don’t know. But they will suddenly change over three lanes without signal or warning. Maybe it’s a plan to get rid of a few infidels on Harleys without raising too many eyebrows. Muslims don’t let women drive in their countries. Why should we? Alihu Crash-bar!
  • Teen Age Girls – Again, needs no explanation. They don’t have the experience to drive plus they will run through a tank of gas on a single text. Today, I almost got clipped by a white-privileged teen driving a Mini Cooper had I not been onto her game! 
  • Taxis and Airport SUVs – Usually driven by Hadji from Islamabad. Texting, swerving, driving slow then speeding up, they are an IED on wheels. 
  • Foreigners in General – If they did not grow up driving in America, I guaran-damn-tee you they will suck behind the wheel. There are no exceptions to this rule.
  • Drivers with Obama and Democrat Stickers – These come in two flavors and are usually either freaky types who probably ate too many drugs in the 60’s to think straight or are implants from California. The freaky tortured hippie types usually drive a car that would have been Car of the Month back during Cash for Clunkers days or a @#&* Prius. The California types…well, hell…you know.

AWD has given numerous glares, a few fingers, and at least one verbal beat down to those on this list. I am a very safe rider who takes extra caution on the road. We put over 1200 miles on our bikes while up in Sturgis in 2015 without even a scare. There were an estimated 1 million bikes there this year for the 75th Anniversary of the Sturgis rally but sadly 13 riders didn’t come home.

If you ride a bike (not a 10 speed in your little gay bicycle costume, Lance), feel free to add to AWD’s list of hazardous drivers on the road. I love my Harley and am having a blast, especially in the cool evenings when the temperature here in Texas dips to a refreshing 95. My Filly has abandoned her designer sh*t for Harley-wear and looks and feels pretty good riding behind me. If I can just find a Harley tube top for her, we’re in bidness!

Safe riding!




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