Hey, there’s another @#&* Star Wars movie coming out! And the nerdosphere is worked up in a little ole tizzy! So what? Just another Star Wars bore-a-thon. Just like Spiderman 18, The Bourne Geriocracy, Batman 63 and Iron Man God Only Knows! Hell, there will probably be another Rocky soon. Oops!
AWD has long believed the reason there are so many sequels, prequels, and enough is enough-quels is because all the good movies have been made! When is the last time you really saw a movie that was astonishingly good? For me, I think it was Braveheart. And any number of Chuck Norris movies.
They’ll probably start remaking all the old great movies with minority casts. Maybe The JihadFather I, II, and III. Don’t see III.
But this Star Wars sh*t beats all I’ve ever seen! Grown men and women, mostly middle age men who are still virgins are going ape sh*t because another Star Wars movie is coming out! How much more can we learn about Star Wars and their characters? We’ve seen Darth Vader as an evil adult, innocent child, and as a troubled teenager. Maybe in this new edition of Star Wars we will see Darth when he was sperm. Don’t even get me started on Jar Jar Binks!
AWD remembers when the first Star Wars came out when I was in the 8th grade. I thought Star Wars was the stupidest movie title I’d ever heard. But I enjoyed it I guess. Mostly because the girl I took let me feel around on her in the dark scenes. (Note: Mama, that may or may not be true. And no, you’re not a failure as a mother).
But the Star Wars movies kept coming. There are more Darths in all these Star Wars movies than fat, ugly, fuzzy lebanese women at a Code Pink protest. I can’t keep them all straight! AWD had to laugh when they put Billy Dee Williams in one of them as a brother hero from the galaxy of Funkytron. But it was way too much ‘diversity’ when Samuel L Jackson was the Jedi Knight that causes White Flight in the Return of the #BlackLivesMatter! Who can forget his memorable line, “Y’all can do what y’all want but as for my ass, I’m following that got-damn Yoda mova-f**ker!”
So here’s the deal. If you’re have memorized the opening date for the newest Star Wars, get help. If you’ve already bought tickets in advance, get a lot of help. If you are camping out in a tent with a bunch of pasty, middle age virgins wearing Yoda jammies, take a gun (preferably one that doesn’t scare you) and eat a bullet for breakfast!
AWD will be attending a gun show or hunting pigs while you nerds are weeping with joy when Yoda says his first line in his Yoda-speak that nobody can understand! Except this memorable exchange:
Although I would enjoy seeing Michael Moore reprise his role as Jabba the Hutt.