Dear Lord, I know, I know…it’s been a while since we spoke. I know! And I guess I have a little blame to take about that. But so do you. Listen, you forgive me and I’ll forgive you too!
Look, I know I’m probably not one of your faves down here. I ain’t much of a churchy guy and since my last divorce I’ve had the morals of a drunk Mezcan. But
dammit..err…gosh darn it…this is Texas! Have you seen all those fine fillies down here? I mean, I guess you have since you can kind of see everything and all. So if that’s true, you won’t hold my low moral standards against me that much.
The reason I’m praying tonight is I need a big…make that HUGE favor. Those godless heathens from UNC have sold their worthless souls over to Satan to make the NCAA finals. Again. And, while I may chap your rear end because of my salacious activities with some of the Dallas lovelies over the past few years, at least I take the time to talk to you. Well, at least when I need something real bad. But hey, that’s talking, right? Something not one damn Carolina Tar Hole student or fan would ever do! They’re too busy protesting a war or trying to get big hairy pillow biters into bathrooms to tinkle with little girls! That alone ought to get Carolina beat by at least ten points tonight!
AWD is just trying to stand up for truth, justice, and all that. You know I hate me some Tar Holes. And I just have to believe you hate them too! Didn’t you read about them graduating all those afaletes with bogus African American Studies degrees? I mean more bogus than any other African American Studies degrees at any other college. I know that lying, cheating, and bullish*t degrees go against the Ten Commandments. I think. I’d read them if I could find them in the Bible.
But listen, the game is just starting and I need help big time. This sh*t has got to stop! Carolina is nothing more than a bunch of cheating comm-a-nists from a libtarded town you’d never want to pass through. It’s filled up with metrosexuals, homo-sexules, tri-sexuals, and has more liberals than the Republican Caucus in the House.
Let Gonzaga win and I promise I’ll maybe kind of think about going to church one day. Maybe. But hey, I’m doing my part over here! It’s time you kick in on your side, Big Guy!
Oh, before I forget. It would also be nice if you’d send a big flood to Chapel Hell or send some burning boulders from the sky to flatten every building there. Especially that Temple of Satan called the Dean Dome!
Thanks, Lord. I knew I could count on you!