AWD doesn’t read newspapers anymore. Haven’t in over 10 years. Reading a paper is like going to a Code Pink protest. Nothing there will be good. And most things you’ll see will make you vomit.
Nor does AWD understand why several “conservative” blogs consistently quote New York Time’s columnists? They pour over every socialist, politically correct letter of leftist drivel that pours from the feminine fingers typing up New York Times dreck every day. To what end?
Do they expect Paul Krugman to suddenly have an epiphany that he is a moron? Or that professional black man Charles Blow (oh, the irony) won’t find racism in rain clouds for being black? There are two things in this globally warming world that AWD cares nothing about. Both are what is printed at the New York Times.
But, then again, many of the major “conservative” blogs are written by Blue Staters trapped behind the Iron Curtain of Estrogen that has destroyed them and their male counterparts and caused them to believe that every male in America is like their fellow latte-swilling girly men.
That aside, AWD saw this article bandied around the major “conservative” websites this week and wanted to share with the Dudes and Dudettes since it fits the theme AWD of the “wussification of the American male” AWD has warned of for years. You might say AWD has been the Paul Revere of manliness yelling “The estrogen is coming! The estrogen is coming!” regarding traditional American male comportment.
Here is an article written by Brian Lombardi in the New York Times. The tag line says Lombardi lives in Illinois (see?) with his wife and has three children. We must assume they are adopted. After reading his 27 Ways to Be A Modern Man, we must also assume that Lombardi has seen a big one up close a few times in his life.
AWD won’t bore you with all 27 as most are fatuous. Such as:
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
Has the NY Times reduced modern manliness to being a stupid idiot? Putting a new bar of soap in the shower after the old one is used up? Does the same hold for taking out the garbage once it starts climbing your Martha Stewart robin-egg blue kitchen nook wall? Or putting gas in your gay little Smart Car when its empty to drive to your gay little Whole Foods and buy some gay little organically grown tampons? For yourself! Idjit!
Here we go:
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
Count me out as a so-called modern man. AWD has probably had more wives than the times this Lombardi guy has been laid. No man ever buys shoes for his woman. Ever. He PAYS for shoes for his woman. No woman AWD has ever known (literally and Biblically) would want their man to buy their shoes without her knowledge. As particular as women are with shoes, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. Any male who knows what woman shoe manufacturers sizes run large or small probably knows because of personal experience.
AWD bought his filly a @#^* Michael Kors purse for her birthday. She, for some reason, likes those expensive plastic sumbitches. She saw one she “loved” when AWD was buying another @#$* Michael Kors purse for my lowly assistant at work. She too loves those expensive plastic sumbitches. When the filly hinted she wanted a certain one just for…well, for no particular reason…I told her “hell no, now get back in the kitchen and bake me a pie.” A month later, for the filly’s birthday, I went back to that @#&* Michael Kors store and bought the damn expensive plastic sumbitch purse that the filly fell in “love” with the month before. She was very, very grateful. Never would AWD dare to believe he can understand a woman’s mind enough to know what @#*& Michael Kors purse she would like. Same with shoes.
The only thing AWD will buy without the filly’s knowledge is some supa-sexy Victoria’s Secret sh*t. But her wearing all that silky mess is for me, not for her. And she’s smart enough to know that. So am I.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
Something tells me the author doesn’t eat steak or he’d be much more knowledgeable about the various cuts of steak and which have a heavier fat content. He probably read something about steak in Esquire Magazine (or another of those womanly Men’s Magazines) where they teach you how to act like what they believe a man acts like. Nothing more than beta-males playing roles of what they imagine real men do. If you have to learn about being a man from a magazine, you’re doing it wrong, junior.
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
AWD’s routine when my children were small was to make sure the doors were locked and everything was safe in the yard before checking on my young children to make sure they were sleeping well. I had put them in their pajamas, played with them, read and told bedtime stories, said prayers, and tucked them in only an hour or two before but I still loved to listen to their quiet breathing while they slept. I engraved their sweet innocent sleeping faces into my memory because I knew one day they would grow up and move out. Which they have. But I can still remember those quiet moments of heaven watching the little reasons for my being here sleep. I didn’t give a damn for charged electronics.
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
Really? So the men who actually flew choppers in war can’t refer to them as such? The men who actually have seat time in choppers would kick his little modern man ass should he give them Rule 8 and call them a “gauche simpleton.” Again, he probably read that from some poofter who wears bow ties and polka dot socks and writes for GQ (which stand for ‘Gee..you dress like a Queer’) and thought it sounded “cute.” Those modern men. They’re like that.
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
This is a lot like changing out the old soap. This rule makes my filly, ex-wives, and children modern men.
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
Yeah, he sure does. And moisturizes a lot.
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
“He will try to fight him off.” What? If he can’t fight him off does he run away leaving his family to fend for themselves? What happens if he breaks a nail while fighting off the intruder? My guess is this Lombardi cat and his modern “men” associates would do a lot of cowering and whimpering should someone break into their feng shui organized houses with bad intentions. I once heard someone say to never trust a man who has never been in a fight. I don’t trust this Lombardi.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
Is this for real? This makes me think this guy is just trying to piss off anyone who has a molecule of testosterone in their bloodstream. I’m not so sure about Lombardi’s melon balls but I’m getting the feeling he’s pretty adept at handling other balls.
AWD and many other real men are great cooks. I usually prepare everything for Thanksgiving and Christmas from smashed garlic potatoes, sautéed asparagus, turkey and ham, etc. I also am pretty damn good at smoking up some pork on my smoker. Pork I have personally harvested as guns don’t scare me. Sure, I can buy store bought pork but there’s nothing better than a 5 hour smoking of a corn fed wild sow without any chemicals or steroids and who knows what else from a store-bought pig. Never has AWD ever concerned himself with a melon baller. Or other balls. That’s for the filly.
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
This will get you a visit from the po po where I live at the very least. It might get you an ass whooping from your neighbor if his wife sees you ambling your little half-nekkid fairy ass down your driveway. And who reads newspapers anymore? The subject of this AWD post is all you need to know about the horrid status of the newspaper bidness.
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
I have no idea what he’s talking about. OK, I had to look up Michael Mann movies. He’s made some very good ones. Last Of The Mohicans is one of my all time favorites. Lots of good gun movies too. I also like Heat and Collateral. I’ll give Mr Modern Man a pass on this one.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
I knew it! The modern man has no use for a gun and will never own one. Well, Mr Modern Man, since you live in Chicago, there’s a fair chance your house might one night see an unwelcome intruder. So, as the protector of your family, you must agree there is more than a fair chance your intruder will be armed. What will you do? Oh, you have a baseball bat? Well, he has a Glock. You lose. But you’ll can feel superior to all us non-modern men who own guns when you take your dying breath as the result of a .40 caliber headache. You can also die watching your wife being sodomized by a gang of criminals and crying for you to help her. God only knows what horrors your children will experience before they too are killed. But hey, you had a baseball bat! And you didn’t own a gun. And you will curse yourself until you die that you were too much of a wussified half a sissy who was afraid of guns.
I crap you negative. AWD has at least 6 guns located throughout my house. Excessive? No. Texas. My friends would chide me for not having enough firepower at close hand. But, then again, we don’t worry too much should an intruder make the fatal mistake of breaking in one of our homes.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
We all know John Boehner is a modern man because he too cries a lot. And drinks copious amounts of alcohol to hide the fact that he is a disaster zone and a loser.
AWD has been known to cry on occasion. Cried like a baby when my children were born. Again when my Dad passed. My grandfather too. Hell, I cried last when riding my Harley in Custer State Park in South Dakota while listening to a recording of my choir (AWD is a manly baritone) sing a hymn so beautiful that I many times expected to see Jesus standing around the next curve. Looking out over God’s greatness high up in those mountains and listening to that music was a spiritual experience for me.
I’m not sure what Mr Modern Man cries about but my guess it’s about things less important than what makes me tear up. Maybe when his melon baller is broken.
Modern men like the author Lombardi aren’t real men. They are males playing roles of what they believe men should be. They truly don’t know what it means to be a real man. Men are portrayed in pop culture as stupid brutes or sissified beta-males. Men are ridiculed as being driven only by their drive to mate as often as possible. This gives beta males and feminists the opportunity to scoff at real men when they actually have no idea of who and what we are. Real men don’t act like real men. They are real men because of the way they act.
Real men are not brutes. We built and maintain the society enjoyed by those who constantly disparage us. We have won wars with 19 year olds, built industry and this country as we matured. We have raised our sons and daughters to be productive, responsible citizens with kindness, firmness, and love. We provide without depending on welfare. Real men understand that their part is greatly needed for society to function peacefully and prosperously. We tolerate the beta males like Mr Lombardi who ridicule us but sell us out so they can be deemed acceptable by leftists who have failed at every turn. But never think that we agree with their diseased image of the American male. They are the parsley on the plate of America.
America was not built by men who were greatly concerned about making perfect melon balls.