Mark Zuckerberg will not be happy. Executives at Disneyworld have built a wall to keep undocumented alligators from immigrating into the theme park and eating guests. Of course, it’s only a very tiny percentage of alligators who actually eat park guests. Most alligators are entering Disneyworld because they love their children.
President Obama was the first to criticize Disney’s construction of a rock wall separating gators from Disneyworld. He said to reporters:
“This is not who Disney is! If I was an alligator and had a son, he might look like Chompy the Alligator who was killed only because he was in the human part of town. This reptile-phobia must not stand. Diversity of species is what makes Disneyworld great.”
Disney spokesperson Mickey Mouse said in response to the President’s criticism:
“Let’s face it. Walls work! They’ve worked for prisons for thousands of years. And walls have kept millions of freeloading @#&* moochers who couldn’t afford our $100 admission tickets out of Disney! You don’t see alligators wandering around the White House lawn, do you? So why should we here at Disneyworld?
And, if President Obama is so against walls, why does he live behind one? He should shut his big f%^*ing pie hole before Mickey has to go to DC and kick the ever-loving dogs*t out of his gay little commie ass!”
Secretariat of State John Kerry said global warming and lack of jobs has caused alligators to eat people:
“It’s been scientifically proven that alligators have been forced to eat people because alligator jobs are few because the swamps have been overflowing due to global warming. Polar bears and penguins have migrated from the North Pole to alligator waters in Florida and have taken all the fish and birds normally consumed by alligators.
Even though alligators have recently attacked a few humans, those were not true alligators but crocodiles pretending to be alligators. We know alligators are the species of peace and don’t pose a threat to anyone. They are much more peaceful than right-wing extremist tax payer humans in America. It’s time Americans stops blaming all of our problems on alligators and accept them as part of our great cornucopia of humanity.
What America must do is restore jobs to the alligator community.”
La Reptila spokesgator Alejandro “Big Al” Whitetooth Gator also had harsh words for Disney:
“Today, I am crying crocodile tears…but we’re alligators, not those racist crocodiles, dammit! And I say “Alligator Lives Matter!” Disney has proven to be a reptile-phobic organization and blames their financial woes on us because we are easy scape-gators! Take poor little Chompy, who was recently killed just for minding his own business in the DisneyWorld lake! I knew Chompy. He was a goot gator and never done nuffin’ wrong!
We demand that Disney tear…down…this…wall! Disney should be building bridges to the alligator community here in Florida instead of walls. We call on noted alligator supporter Mark Zuckerberg to cancel Disneyworld’s Face Book page immediately!”
Democrat presidential nominee Hillary Clinton was quick to capitalize on the Disney controversy:
I don’t feee-uhl no waaaaaysss tarred. I will fight for all underprivileged alligators to ensure their rights are protected! I have long been a supporter of the alligator community and have pandered to them for decades! We need more Fish Stamps to prevent hunger in the reptile community! I even wrote about alligators in my book where I proudly stated, “it takes a whole theme park to raise a gator!
Oh, and I heard Donald Trump wears alligator boots! So vote for me, gators!”
Rumors are spreading that Disney will still allow gay alligators to freely roam the park.