Following the California school district that sponsored the buyback of toy guns, rock group KISS announced a buyback of KISS Love Guns. For the children.
KISS bass player and spokesperson Gene Simmons said:
“Look, we know that children can learn violence from toy guns. Everybody knows that. But toy guns cannot bring the amount of violence kids can experience playing with their KISS Love Guns! Not to mention the unwanted pregnancies! Rock and roll can be violent but there’s no reason KISS can’t be at the forefront of teaching our children that use of their Love Guns should be taken seriously. Therefore, KISS has decided to change the lyrics of our hit song ‘Love Gun’ to:
I really love you baby
I love what you’ve got
Give me all your guns and you won’t
No more tomorrow, baby
Time is today
Girl, I can make you feel safe taking your
No place for hidin’ baby
No place to go
You can’t pull the trigger of my
Love gun, (love gun), love gun
Love gun, (love gun), love gun
Simmons explained that each Love Gun turned in at the buyback will be melted and recast into a authentic, officially-licensed KISS toilet brush that will play the new Love Gun song with the new, anti-gun lyrics when the user is cleaning the toilet bowl.
“KISS has for years sold tons of KISS licensed junk to members of the KISS Army. Sales of KISS Love Guns has dwindled in the past few years even when sales of real guns has skyrocketed. But everyone needs a clean toilet. And what would each KISS fan like to listen to while cleaning their bathroom? KISS! We can pretend to be interested in liberal gun control and make a buck at the same time! After all, it’s for the kids.”
KISS has announced its newest product in the KISS product line with the KISS toilet. While KISS has no songs in their portfolio that pertain to toilets, they have signed an agreement with 80s funk group The Gap Band to have the toilet play “You Dropped A Bomb On Me” whenever flushed. For the children.
Hayward, California spokesperson Bruce Koskoloski was not pleased to hear of the KISS Love Gun buyback. He said:
“KISS is just trying to make a quick buck on a true problem that plagues elementary and middle schoolers. Millions of school children have been killed by toy guns and it’s time America addresses this very serious threat. You know, for the children.
There may have been a handful of teen pregnancies because of Love Guns, but those occurred mostly in the 70’s when KISS was at its peak. Toy guns are a real problem in 2013! Why only last week a student in San Francisco held hostage an entire assembly hostage for hours with a Nerf rifle. It was terrifying for everyone involved!”
“The hottest band in the world is very concerned with violence in schools and society. What better way to relieve stress and pressures of life than bombing the Japs with your very own KISS toilet? Only $199.99. Handsigned versions with signatures of all four original KISS members are available for $999.99. Visit KISS.com for details. For the kids.”
(AWD being a proud member of the KISS Army has already ordered his authentic, fully-licensed KISS toilet)