I Had a Talk With My Guns Today




Yep, today I had a heart to heart talk with my guns, because according to liberals firearms have a mind of their own. There’s just no telling what they’ll do. So-called progressives (really village idiots) say this all the time. According to their way of thinking, guns can of their own accord, cause all sorts of mayhem. Taking a liberal clue, I decided to have a conversation with all of them. I wanted to know how my guns “felt” about recent issues in the news because after all, liberals care a whole lot about feelings. (Unfortunately libs don’t care squat about common sense or logic)

I lined them all up and collectively asked if there were any “problems” that might make them want to shoot anyone in a criminal act. They looked at each other before giving a resounding and unequivocal no.

I then asked,” Have any of you been hanging around Muslim terrorists, sweaty sissy white boys on medications, drug cartel members or gangbangers?”

Once again there was firm negative answer.

I then asked “How about people very dissatisfied with their work environment or not happy with the government?”

I was met with total silence as they all looked at each other sheepishly. Gabby, the Glock 19, one of my preferred pistols finally replied, “that’s just about everybody, but we still didn’t want to shoot anyone.”

I had to admit that Gabby had me there and was right on both accounts.

However, I know guns and how they think. After all, by function they are made to shoot and that’s what they like to do. In fact, that’s all that they do and they have to have outside influences to function. I knew deep down that there might be underlying issues.

I’ve taken a page from the liberal playbook regarding diversity. I’m into that concept with my firearms. According to libs, diversity is strength. As such, I have all sorts of guns. Foreign guns, big guns, little guns, pretty guns, ugly guns, all of which come in (gasp) a variety of colors. That sort of diversity can however, breed some degree of resentment as well (LMAO) discrimination.

Of course it was the black ones, especially the black rifles (aka so called assault rifles) that first started to bitch and moan.

I like black rifles, I really do, but no matter how much you give them, they just never seem to get enough. Buy them a new ACOG today, and in a week they’ll want a new reflex sight. Get that and they’ll want a suppressor. It just never ends with them. Combined with a bad (undeserved) reputation and a rumored propensity for trouble, black rifles require a lot of attention and are often (LOL) locked up more than the others. However, in my world, black rifles matter.

The Colt Combat Commander named Jemima spouted off and said, “people hate us because we’re black and can shoot lots of bullets.”

I said, “ Jemima, technically you’re blue and not black, you’re not high-capacity and you’re not an assault weapon. You don’t have a dog in this fight.” She slinks away at the slight, running to hide in her padded case. 1911’s like most women can be “difficult.” She’s quickly forgotten the new Trijicon sights and ivory pimp grips I’ve gotten her. She’ll provide hiccup or two the next time at the range just to tweak me.

Finally, Barry O, a nice Bushmaster AR, got to the crux of the matter.

“We are so worried that people might want to ban or confiscate us and then maybe melt us down in order to make some sort of stupid sculpture,” he said.

I knew this is what they were really scared of and firmly assured them that it would never happen. I said that if evil people ever sought to do this, then “they” might have a bit of say so in the matter. I also told them I would take them out tomorrow night with the thermal sight and we would go shoot a nice pig or two or maybe even three. That seemed to satisfy them all.

My favorite weapon, Lucretzia, a 38 Ruger LCR sagely says nothing. Small, light, almost Gothic in her appearance, she’s as pretty as she is fast and deadly. She takes it all in as she rests in a Remora holster, her speed-loaders nearby. Lucretzia’s position in the hierarchy is assured and she’s never far from me. Her nod tells me everything is OK.

I take assurance that my guns live in a good conservative environment where they are given the respect they are due. They follow the rules and don’t associate with misfits or a criminal element. They are fed good ammo and cleaned with the best products available. Their home is secure and safe. However, after I hear their rumblings and feel their concerns I know what I’m going to do.

If you keep guns, you quickly realize their propensity to multiply. What they really need is another brother and sister. In the gun world there’s nothing like being fruitful and multiplying to piss off a progressive. I’ve had my eye on a new Sig P239 as well as another black rifle. Maybe I’ll even throw in 20 high capacity magazines into the mix. I feel better already. Above all, I know the liberals won’t.



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