What Really Grinds My Gears: #*$!@ Printers


Grinds My Gears

PC load letter? WTF does that mean?

It’s 2014. Someone sure oughta tell the printer manufacturers.

Got a new phone? Plug it into your computer and your computer recognizes it.

Have an external hard drive? Plug it into your computer and start using it.

Have a flash drive? Plug it into your computer and go nuts.

MP3 player? Drawing tablet? Bluetooth device? Anything save a printer? Well, then, just plug it in—I mean, it’s 2014 after all! Computers are pushing a century by now!

Oh…you have a printer? Well, in that case, plug it into your computer. Watch your computer spin its wheels for about ten minutes. Watch it attempt to install drivers. Then watch it error out saying it the device was unrecognized and the drivers are out of date. So you try the “troubleshoot” option and it chugs along for about ten minutes before it tells you it can’t automatically download the latest drivers for your printer. So you go to the manufacturer’s website, which appears to have been designed by a retarded chimpanzee with AIDS. You finally manage to find the latest drivers and download them. They’re 1.46 petabytes large, and will take approximately 4 weeks to download. You download them finally and install them. They crash your computer. Not only does your printer still not work, but now you have effed up your operating system. So you try to uninstall the drivers. But the uninstall program errors out with the highly informative “an unspecified error has occurred”. You try to manually delete the drivers and hose your registry. You reinstall the OS and go back to the interwebtubes looking for better drivers. You find that there is a document tucked away on the manufacturer’s website—not in the drivers section, mind you!—that actually has drivers for the latest OS, which you’re using. You download them. They’re 4.24 googolbytes large, and take approximately 15 years to download. You download them and install. Everything looks like it worked, but you still don’t see your printer listed. It’s still not recognized. You try to reinstall but it tells you the drivers are already installed. You try to uninstall the drivers. “An unspecified error has occurred.” You turn the printer on and off. You burn some incense to the printer gods. You plug it into every USB port on your machine. Suddenly, magically, the test page finally prints. Praise God! You go to print your two-page report that has now consumed 15 years and 6 months of your life to print, and fifteen windows pop up and start talking to you about how you can buy super overpriced ink from the printer’s manufacturer. Your CPU hits 100% utilization and your RAM bottoms out. Nothing prints. Then one of the 15 windows informs you in an obnoxious voice that your printer’s low on ink and so you can’t print until you replace the cartridges. Even though they’re brand new. You spend part of your 401(k) on new cartridges, replace them, hit print…and the paper jams.

Seriously, printer manufacturers…seriously. There’s simply no excuse.

Office Space Printer Scene

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.


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