A reader sent AWD a link about an event called “Cuddle Con” taking place in Oregon. Sounds a little freaky deaky. Kind of like an event cats like Joe Biden would attend. Not a place where us respectable folk would want to frequent, at first glance. But AWD likes him some cuddling with young lovelies, yes I do!
AWD doesn’t know anything about Oregon. I don’t care if I ever go to Oregon. Too many people from Oregon up there for me. But a convention of hugging, hey man, I gots to know! AWD could teach a master class on hugging. Got my technique all down and sh*t.
Actually, AWD held the first known Cuddle Con about ten years ago when I saw a couple of Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in a bar one night. I wanted to make them feel better about themselves so I gave them a big ol’ hug and a few squeezes thrown in around their breastular regions. I was a Con for cuddling for the next 12 months and only recently got the restraining order cancelled. I was set up. Racists!
So what is Cuddle Con? It’s where strangers will gather in pairs or small groups and cuddle and hug. They also stroke each others bodies but they’re not supposed to touch the tingly parts (yeah right) of the person or people also involved in said cuddle. It sounds to me a lot like what takes place in swingers clubs.
OregonLive.com reported and quoted some cat named (I crap you negative) Ray Hugs:
“I believe in the message, I believe in the idea that everyone should be loved and accepted, everyone should have access to that,” Hugs said. “[Clients] get so much. They get that connection, that human touch, that acceptance.”
Absolutely. That sounds great. But isn’t it a little, I don’t know, awkward?
“We don’t pretend that it’s not awkward, because it is,” she explained. “Life’s awkward, life’s challenging, and it’s our ability to navigate through that that’s really important.”
For so long cuddling has been a strictly intimate act, a perk for those in relationships. And the single people of the world? They just don’t get that. If they want that level of physical intimacy they have to find a romantic partner or else enter the murky world of Craigslist.
Cuddle Up to Me strips cuddling of all its romantic and sexual implications, offering it as an available service to anyone who needs it.
My guess is Cuddle Con Oregon will have 1,000 horny pre-vert dudes and a couple of wildebeest women so oo-ga-lee that they would gag a maggot. With some poofsters thrown in the mix to embrace diversity. And weeners. Most of the dudes will probably be registered on the sexual predator list. Fun for the whole family.
But hell, Ray Hugs does have a point! Everyone, especially curvy little fillies, need to get that connection, that human touch, that acceptance. You hear that Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders and Dallas Police?! I only was squeezing their perfectly shaped boobs to give them that human touch and acceptance. You know, kind of like I’m OK and your boobs are OK! That’s all it was.
Look, there’s a lot of pain and loneliness in the world. Especially in Dallas. And not all of it can be attributed to those @#*& libtarded Californians and illegal Mezcans moving here in droves. Some tasty little Texas fillies just need that human connection to know they are accepted and respected as a valued human being. And AWD is prepared to give them access to all that goodness. Especially the connection part.
AWD announces the first Texas Cuddle Con. It will be held March 7, 2015 but I’m willing to start consoling, connecting and cuddling tonight if any Dallas fillies reading this are hot enough. The location of Texas Cuddle Con has not yet been determined. Probably my house.
Since AWD doesn’t want any cuddling homos or liberal male types trying to cuddle up with my man thing, Texas Cuddle Con is restricted to women between the ages of 39 and 55. AWD will personally cuddle all attendees (one at a time or all balled up and rolling around in a hot, sweaty group in the bedroom/boudoir cuddling area).
We are limiting attendance to lovelies who rate 7 or above on the Hot Scale. That’s 7 out of 10, not 7 out of 100. If you are a big bufforilla and want some cuddling, drive your ass up to Oregon and cuddle with those little wussified hippies up there. Just remember the disinfectant. Note: lonely women who rate 7 or higher and have huge tracts of land on their chests (if you know what I mean) will receive preference. Before and after Cuddle Con. Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders strongly encouraged to apply. Except Rhonda and Sherri, y’all had your chance! But nooooo, you just had to call 911!
Only the first 10,000 luscious lovelies will be admitted attendance to Texas Cuddle Con. Please send all photos and information to angrywhitedude@gmail.com.
Oh, and nobody from Oregon allowed.
For Cuddling Music That Doesn’t Suck, we will be consoled with a steady stream of Teddy Pendergrass and Marvin Gaye. Get sanctified and cuddled, baybah!