Hmmm…time to sell
Listen up, you bunch of maggot crybabies! I’m going to set the record straight right now. I am Congressman Dan Crenshaw and, if you continue to piss me off, I will end you! I’m tired of listening to you half-a-sissy constituents criticizing me for trading stocks and making millions and demanding a tiny pay increase of $90,000 a year.
I was a badass soldier out killing everything that moved while you little sniveling cowards were driving your 1997 mini-van to Chuckie F*ckin’ Cheese with your kiddos too scared to go to war and singlehandedly destroy the enemy countries like Dan Crenshaw did! I’m a former Seal and not the type of seals you fat bastards are mistaken for at Sea World! You worthless poofters have only two jobs and that’s it! Here they are:
1. Vote for Dan Crenshaw.
2. Shut the f*ck up!
Remember this! I can break your femur with my thumb. And I can and will end you at any time if you give me any shit!
Recently, a bunch of girly Twitter twitterers are tweetering that I’m a RINO and have made millions on insider trading information freely available to Congressmen because we’re better and smarter than you lowly worms back home! Here’s an example. Just the other day, I was at the urinal in the men’s bathroom when Senator Lindsey Graham jumped in beside me and said he had a hot stock tip that he’d share if I helped him put his unit back in his pants when he was done. He just had a manicure and his nails weren’t yet dry. I don’t judge his kind and I like, and deserve, to make a little money in the market so I was happy to help a colleague. So after I got Lindsey zipped back up, I got the tip (not THAT tip, you worthless poofters!) and off I went to call my broker. Because I’m better than you.
Hell no, I’m not giving you any insider stock trades, you miserable commoners. Insider stock trading is illegal. For you, that is. Got a problem with it? Come on down to my office at the Capitol building and I’ll be happy to help you understand after I Hong Kong on your little feminine ass for a few minutes! And remember this, if I want, I will end you! No, I’m not talking to you, Lindsey. Keep those tips coming!
So I recently had to set this little annoying X influencer named Catturd straight after he complained about me sneaking in legislation that would give me a big pay increase! Because I f*cking deserve it! He also was ragging on my stock trades, as if that’s any of his catturdular business! Normally, I wouldn’t respond to somebody who is known by feline excrement. But I set this loser straight. I tweeted:
“Anonymous coward like ‘catturd’ talking shit without any evidence. I’m used to it. Sorry I was guy fighting the wars that little bitches like you would never dare to. One of us has actually served this country and continues to, while losers like you make money being trolls on social media. If you think I’m ‘rich,” you’re a fucking idiot. The people getting rich off politics are the ‘influencers’ like Catturd selling their platforms.”
Well, the truth is, I’m not rich. Yet. I’m only at about $8 million. I know, those are rookie numbers when you consider Congressmen like my good friend and stock mentor, Nancy Pelosi! She’s at $275 million and has made enough money in the stock market with insider information to pay off the national debt and get a few more wars started!
So don’t get in my way, commoners! I stand by my manly words, you little bitches! I was a soldier! I was a Seal! I was the one killing the Taliban and Al Qaeda. I was the one responsible for America’s total victories in Iraq and Afghanistan! Thank me, America! And give me my got-damn pay raise!!!
If Catturd continues with his sissified drivel, here’s what will happen. I will go to Catturd’s house, break his femur with my thumb, and grab his eye out and slap it into my empty eyehole and strangle him with my eyepatch! I’ve done it before. Then he will know he’s dealing with a real man who has killed thousands with my bare hands. I even once wiped out a Taliban division singlehandedly while I was getting a manicure with Lindsey in Afghanistan at the Burqa Boys House of Beauty!
I also hear that fat tool who got fired from Fox because he’s a big-mouth wuss, Tucker Carlson, said that Dan Crenshaw is the most leftist Republican in Congress who has anger issues that require help. As f*cking if! Not a f*cking thing could be further than the f*cking truth, you pathetic little weak shit!! Dan Crenshaw is the master of my body and mind and I’m in full control all the time. With my mind powers, Tucker Carlson, I can melt your ugly feminine face. With my body, I CAN MUTHAF*CKIN’ END YOU! And Tucker, nice looking eyeballs you got there. Be ashamed if something was to happen to one of them! Word to the wise!
So keep it up, all you loser constituents of mine trapped in a cube farm at work. And all you sissified Tweeter turds and TV talk show host bois! Keep calling Dan Crenshaw a war pig. Keep calling Dan Crenshaw the Charles Schwab of the Capitol! Keep calling Dan Crenshaw ‘Eyepatch McCain!’ Keep calling me Lindsey Graham’s weiner holder! Just know this. Every man has his limit and my ‘Kill-Everybody-Who-Criticizes-Dan-Crenshaw-o-Meter’ has redlined and is heading for a nuclear explosion right on your head! Word to the wise because……I WILL END YOU! You have been warned.
