Look, Jack! This is your President. You know, Joe Biden from Scrotum, Pennsylvania. Err….make that Scranton, Pennsylvania. All that time on the beach will fry your melon.
You know you have a lot of illegal illegalities in your dirty little past! Even if you don’t, my boy Merrick will dig through your undies deeper than the FBI did through Melania’s lingerie drawer at Mara Lago. And you better believe that he’ll find something in your worn out Fruit of the Looms that will put you in the hoosegow the rest of your miserable, honest, hard-working, taxpaying existence! Word to the wise!
So listen, Fat. Your President has an offer for you that will keep you sleeping in your pitiful, lumpy queen-size bed with your big bufforilla wife, Myrna, and not with Jamal, the mass murderer who hates crackers in your single-size bunk! Unless you have a direct blood line to a Biden, you definitely need to put down those beanie weinies and listen. And listen good to this once-in-a-lifetime offer!
Legal costs can run up fast. And since you don’t have any money, you’re going to lose your house, family, and even the 1974 Chrysler Cordoba you’ve been driving around since 1988. Oh yes, we know. We know! And after going through your tiny savings, 201-k’s, and the $347 you have hidden under your mattress (Oh yes, we know. We know!) you’ll still end up painting Jamal’s nails after. After what, you ask? Trust me, you don’t want to know!
What you need is a Presidential Pardon! It’s your Get Out of Jail with Jamal card that will make your life much more,..let’s say…comfortable. And right now, President Joe is running a special on 100% authentic Presidential Pardons that will keep you free to drive to your little miserable hell-hole cube farm job at 2 mph up and down the tollway for the rest of your awful existence!
It’s all there in the Constitution! Well, I’ve never read the Constitution but I’m told that the President can pardon his ass off whenever he wants. Not that the Constitution matters when the only ones who can stop me are weak-ass, wussypants Republicans. That news makes ol’ Joe as happy as my son Hunter with a stack full of dollars at a ladyboy bar in Thailand! So your President has all your problems covered! I care. I really do. Even for you MAGA garbage types…as long as you have money.
Of course, the more crimes committed over longer periods of time cost a little more than getting caught ‘night putting’ with the 15 year old daughter of your local Mayor on the 17th green at Goat Hill Public Golf Course at 3 am. Serious big- time crimes like talking to the president of the Ukraine if you’re the President of the United States while being a Republican can cost a lot more! Oh yes, a whole hell of a lot more! But do you really want an impeachment on your record? Call me.
We have a price list and can work out a convenient payment plan that works for you. And more importantly, works for me! So hurry up as this offer expires on January 20th at 11:59 am. You love your freedom. President Joe loves that money! Let’s deal!
Here are some testimonials from satisfied past and future customers:
“I was in deep Dukakis. I was/am a crack addict that had sex with everyone from hookers, underage girls, and even my cousin. And a few ladyboys in Thailand! I had been the bagman for international countries laundering millions for American politicians. I can’t say who but it’s a country at war with Russia and I funneled millions to American politicians. Again, can’t say who but their initials are Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and most of the Democrat caucus. Don’t ask who! I’m not telling! President Joe’s Parlor of Presidential Pardons was just what I needed with that Nazi, Fascist, twice-impeached racist taking office in a few weeks. Thanks, President Joe! – H B***n.
“Look, we all know I have killed more people than cancer. Most were suicides, I swear! Not my fault they double-tapped themselves twice in the back of the head. It was looking pretty bad with that deplorable Trump coming into office. He is set to announce my full pardon of any and all murde…err….crimes I’ve committed over the past 7 decades. That’s right, I even Arkancid,…err….Oklahomacided Linda Lou Baker when she beat me out for the Class President in 1950! Now I can sleep peacefully with any former guest at Epstein Island without worrying about those racist Republicans coming after me! I owe it all to President Joe and his Parlor of Presidential Pardons!” H C*****n..
“I’m being called the greatest mass murderer in history because I was only trying to help the world survive a terrible disease I created, funded, and infected the world. So a few 50 million people died. They didn’t trust the science. Well, actually, they did. They trusted me. They screwed up. So now this Trump guy is ready to sic his racist, anti-science Attorney General loose to make my life miserable! I’ve put away tens of millions of dollars in Big Pharma payoffs so I could enjoy my remaining years traveling the world and creating other diseases that kill off those who are left. President Joe’s Parlor of Presidential Pardons was just what I needed. Any day now he’ll announce that I’m as free as a little homicidal butterfly! And it cost so little! Gee, thanks President Joe!” – A F***i
“Decades ago, I wrote a computer program that would change the world and make it better for everyone on Earth. And now they want to throw me into jail just because I now want to kill everyone on Earth! Ingrates! It’s amazing that these unwashed hoi polloi think they have the right to live on my planet! Breathe my oxygen polluted with cow flatulence! No, they must all go and leave this pristine Earth for me and me alone. I can’t accomplish my goals from a jail cell so President Joe’s Parlor of Presidential Pardons was an answer to prayers. Satanic prayers, that is. Thanks, President Joe!” – B G***s.
Look, you miserable losers, these elite may have big legal issues facing them and they pay a larger fee. But you too can be forgiven for all your wrongs by working with President Joe’s Parlor of Presidential Pardons. I got a whole stack of them in my garage beside those classified files that contain the nuclear codes. That’s right, Jack! Beside the Corvette! No fee is too large! Just remember, Jamal awaits!
God bless America!